4 Things Deeply Secure People Do Day In And Day Out
They don't chase approval or get thrown by setbacks.
Nora Hutton | Unsplash Communication is an intrinsic part of being a deeply secure person, but if you wind up feeling stressed out, unhappy, and anxious over conversations, you may be taking things a little too personally all the time. Communication skills are an important and often neglected part of self-care. Guarding your happiness and regulating your emotions can be difficult if you don't stop projecting insecurities onto those around you and assuming the worst.
So, how can you relearn communication skills that will decrease stress and anxiety and improve your overall happiness? One of the four "agreements" by Toltec Wisdom teacher Don Miguel Ruiz is, “Don't take anything personally.”
What that means is that deeply secure people realize nothing that other people do is because of you. This powerful agreement acts as a reminder that self-limiting beliefs rob you of joy and create needless suffering. This “agreement” is so simple yet so profound: Safeguard your mind from unnecessary emotional rollercoaster rides.
Here are four things deeply secure people do day in and day out:
1. Recognize when they're internalizing things that aren't about them
The physical sensation might feel like a punch in the stomach. It might feel as if someone is pouring a "shame milkshake" on you. You might have a wave of fear or feel confused.
Hearing your inner critic's voice, their opinions, is another sure sign you're taking something personally. For certain, your stress level will begin rising.
Whatever you feel, begin to have an awareness of the physical sensations that are happening in your body. No need to fix it at this point. Awareness is the first step.
2. Clarify someone's intent before jumping to conclusions
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One hack to not taking things personally is to ask questions. You may not always have control over many things in your life, including what people say to you, but you do have 100 percent control over how you react to each situation.
The goal of not taking things personally is to avoid unnecessary stress and conflict. Try asking a few questions to deflect unnecessary conflict. It may also avoid the downward spiral of negative thoughts popping up in your mind.
Instead of reacting defensively, questions can help clarify the other person's perspective, reveal underlying concerns, and shift the focus from personal attack to collaborative problem-solving. Research suggests that asking questions, especially open-ended ones that encourage elaboration, can increase likability and create a sense of responsiveness.
3. Listen to understand, not to defend
The most common and most familiar way to respond when someone says something that triggers you is to react. When you react, you let your ego and mind get in the way.
Pain and suffering can be a result, as you have not created space between what was said and the “me” it was directed to. Noticing your physical response and then asking questions puts you in a receptive vs reactive, i.e., an emotional response.
4. Choose grace over judgment
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When you have compassion for yourself and the people around you, you don’t react and jump to assumptions. Imagine that they're having a bad day, or may have meant something different than what you understood. You can make up whatever story you want, just to shift your mind out of taking it personally.
Research has found that cultivating compassion is linked to increased happiness, greater life satisfaction, enhanced emotional resilience, and a positive self-image. Compassion for ourselves and others can create a positive ripple effect, promoting well-being in both the individual and their surrounding community.
Limiting beliefs control your reality. Many limiting beliefs stem from a casual comment someone made that you internalized or took as truth. According to Freud, in projection, thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings that cannot be accepted as one's own are dealt with by being placed in the outside world and attributed to someone else.
A sure-fire hack to not jump to a negative conclusion and thus get triggered is to live by the rule, “Don’t take anything personally.” Not taking things personally puts you in a more centered and grounded place where you can be the CEO of your mind.
Jacqueline Neuwirth is a Certified Life Coach, CPCC, and Master Neurolinguistic Programming Practitioner. She helps people find love, heal from toxic relationships, boost confidence, and improve relationships.
