True Narcissists Avoid These 7 Things At All Costs, According To Psychology
Narcissists are trapped in their lonely self-protective construction of reality.
LOGAN WEAVER | Unsplash Because of their fundamental sense of worthlessness and compensatory grandiosity, narcissists play by different rules than the rest of us. The wide continuum of emotions that healthy humans, especially the most empathetic, experience daily is lost on the narcissist, who is trapped in their lonely self-protective construction of reality.
Understanding the emotional experiences of people who display narcissistic personality features can be a challenge. So, researchers from the American Psychological Association asked, "What is the emotional core of narcissism?" Their study found the feelings were centered on fear, sadness, and anger. From accountability to genuine intimacy, here are some things full-fledged narcissists go out of their way to avoid.
True narcissists avoid these 7 things at all costs, according to psychology:
1. Apologizing
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Admitting wrong is uncomfortable for most people, but the give-and-take in relationships at times calls for an acknowledgment of fault. Healthy people usually know when they owe an apology and are willing to give it. Whether we interrupt, fail to deliver on a promise, say something hurtful, or lose our temper beyond reasonable bounds, we offer an apology to show respect and caring.
Research from the European Journal of Personality explored why the narcissist never apologizes. Seeing themselves as above reproach, they never feel they have done wrong. Their sense of superiority over others reinforces their belief that other inferior beings are always to blame for anything that goes awry, even if the narcissist is actually responsible.
Sometimes narcissists express fauxpologies, which are designed to deflect blame back onto others. An example of a fauxpology is, “I’m sorry you are so sensitive and can’t handle real life.”
2. Taking responsibility
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Above all, the narcissist repudiates responsibility. Because they have built their identity against fundamental feelings of invalidation, they are intensely sensitive to shame and blame. A responsibility of any kind triggers the narcissist’s threat of exposure to criticism.
The narcissist is averse to responsibility; They systematically stage their life to avoid it and become masterful at denying and projecting it onto others. They are particularly good at projecting onto those they are closest to within their sphere of power, mainly their partner and children.
3. Self-reflecting
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Narcissists are terrified of their own shadows, the long-hidden child within who was irreparably damaged and whose feelings of inadequacy the narcissist constantly overcompensates for.
For the narcissist, self-reflection is dangerous territory to be avoided at all costs because it represents unbearable vulnerability, according to a 2018 study. This is why narcissists rarely seek therapy, avoid honest communication, refuse accountability, and readily resort to raging defensive outbursts to blunt the truth.
4. Forgiving
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For the same reason the narcissist does not apologize, they also never forgive. To them, everyone represents a potential threat to be defeated, and they are hyper-vigilant to a perceived or (more rarely) real attack. Life is a battle zone, and the narcissist is always fighting for their survival.
Narcissists regard any kind of hurt as a cause for retaliation and revenge. If someone apologizes to them (often in a misguided attempt to end conflict), narcissists see it as proof of their superiority and may take the opportunity to further punish that person for whatever they may or may not have done wrong.
Genuine forgiveness is not part of the narcissist’s emotional lexicon, fundamentally because the narcissist cannot forgive himself.
5. Acting selflessly
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Selflessness is the antithesis of narcissism. Because the narcissist lacks empathy and has an inflated sense of entitlement, acting selflessly is beyond their comprehension. At their core, the narcissist has nothing to give because they feel their survival is at stake and nothing else matters.
Narcissists, by definition, are locked in an inward spiral of unmet early childhood needs and grandiose compensatory self-beliefs. As children, the shame they felt with any misperceived wrongdoing on their part set up a cycle of need avoidance, according to a 2015 study. Childhood need avoidance often manifests as adult narcissism to overcompensate for the self-imposed sense of invisibility from childhood.
6. Expressing real feelings
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The narcissist thrives above all on attention, and there is no more fascinating topic than the self. The extroverted narcissist loves to dominate a room, asserting their superiority and awing others with their intellectual (fill in the blank) prowess.
The introverted narcissist also thrives on attention and finds passive-aggressive ways to get it, such as complaining or playing the victim. A 2017 study helped explain the differences between grandiose and vulnerable narcissism.
But when it comes to their feelings, the narcissist hides from others and from himself. Narcissists lack the self-awareness to understand the underlying feelings that drive their behavior, as well as the courage to make themselves vulnerable enough to share those feelings. The narcissist operates competitively on raw survivalist instinct and is a stranger to their innermost emotional realm.
7. Seeing nuance
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Though they may be clever, particularly at manipulating people and spotting their vulnerabilities, the narcissist lacks an awareness of emotional nuance and is prone to extremist dichotomous thinking. Another APA study from 2012 showed "an individual's propensity to think in terms of binary opposition may be useful for quick decision‐making, some clinical psychologists have indicated that such a style is related to personality disorders."
Narcissists tend to either idealize or devalue others. They project their corrupt emotional agenda, believing that others see life as they do, as a series of games or battles to be won.
Julie L. Hall regularly writes about narcissism for The Huffington Post and PsychCentral. She is completing a memoir about life and a few near deaths in a narcissistic family.
