8 Things People Say When They Ask For Advice But Really Just Want You To Agree With Them
ArkHawt / Shutterstock Earlier this week, I ended a long-term relationship that had lasted for the past four years. As most people do after a breakup, I’ve been pretty upset over it all and cried more times than I can count.
My friends and family have been so supportive and have tried to be there for me as much as they can while I work through this. They've been showing their support by giving me the space to talk about everything that happened. Many times, they try to offer their own advice on the best ways to get over a breakup, which can be frustrating because I’m not ready to get over the whole relationship right now. All I need is for someone to listen and hug me, but the people around me aren’t mind readers. They don’t know what I need to get from the conversation with them to feel better.
You might experience the same thing with your friends when trying to give them advice. By looking at the typical phrases somebody uses when they just want to talk, you can learn when you should give advice and when you should avoid it.
Here are 8 things people say when they ask for advice but really just want you to agree with them
1. "Everything kind of stinks"
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This phrase can signal that someone feels defeated. Trust me, I’ve been using that a lot through my breakup. When I say this, many of the people supporting me remind me that it won’t always stink. Sometimes they offer suggestions for making the days a little better.
When someone uses this phrase, they're probably not looking for suggestions on how to make everything not stink. Maybe they want to revel in their own misery for a while.
While you want to help your friends, you aren't always able to. No matter what advice you give, if someone isn't ready to make positive changes in their life, you won’t be able to help them. They have to want to make the change themselves for it to stick.
When a friend you are talking to is acting like a defeatist, it can be more helpful just to tell them you're sorry they are hurting.
2. "Wait until you hear what happened"
When someone has a crazy situation happen to them, they might burst in and say this before launching into a detailed story about whatever is making them frazzled.
The first thing you should notice is that they are saying "I." By speaking in the first person, they're showing you that they don’t need to hear your side. They just want to tell you their perspective on how things went down.
If you already know more about the situation, you might notice that what they're saying isn't true. Some people think it's helpful to correct them, but this can hurt your friend. Correcting someone when they are sharing their own experiences can feel invalidating. They could feel that you were telling them you knew what happened better than they did. It could also make them feel like you think they are lying.
3. "I know you wouldn't understand this, but..."
If someone says that you wouldn’t understand, they probably believe it. Even if you know they're wrong, they might feel sure that you have never experienced the hardship they are going through.
This doesn't mean you need to prove you do understand. In fact, they probably don't want to hear about your connection to their issue. There's a good chance they're looking to be heard more than to get your advice. Some people feel like when others try to relate their experiences when giving advice, they're just trying to shift the conversation back to themselves.
You could also be wrong and not actually understand their issue. Even if it seems similar to something you went through, it might not be the same. Allow them to explain their own experience instead of replacing it with your own. By doing this, you can understand what they are feeling and thinking rather than projecting your own feelings onto them.
4. "Stop playing devil's advocate"
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Since my breakup, I sometimes find myself ranting about the things my ex should have done better. Some of my friends try to point out the good things he did to make me feel better, but it usually just makes me feel worse.
When someone plays the role of devil's advocate, they are trying to point out where our frustrations might be a little misplaced. Some of my friends say they do this to show me I wasn't wrong for staying in the relationship as long as I did. Their attempt at helping can end up making me feel even more isolated.
Hearing your loved ones mention the opinions of whoever hurt you can make you feel like they support that person more. It often makes me feel like I did something wrong or that I am just trying to blame someone else. This can make me and others who say this avoid talking about how we feel because we don't want to come off as bad people.
5. "I just wanted to hear your thoughts"
When someone asks for advice but then says they just wanted to hear your thoughts, it often means they want your thoughts, not your advice. It's more likely that they've already made up their minds about what's best to solve their problem and aren't open to suggestions.
It's confusing when your friend asks for your opinion but isn't interested in hearing it, since they were the ones who came to you in the first place. But it's important to remember that we are there to support our friends when we give them advice, not to change them.
If they seem firm in their choice, it's probably a good idea to tell them you will support them no matter what they choose. This way, you make sure they know you care about them without trying to guide their decision-making.
6. "Can I vent for a minute?"
This phrase is their way of telling you that they just want you to listen. They are directly asking you to stop talking and let them rant for a while. Depending on what they are ranting about, you may feel tempted to give them advice, but when someone is looking to rant, they aren't looking for you to speak. They are trying to release their stress or sadness through talking it over.
If this is what they need, you should give it to them. Advice is supposed to be supportive. If that's not how a friend needs support right now, it is important to listen to them. We know ourselves better than anyone. Look out for what your friend tells you they need, so you don't give them unwanted advice.
7. "Everyone says I should do this..."
At times, we can see a clear solution to the things our friends are struggling with. Maybe everyone around them also sees the solution and offers them the same advice, but that's rarely the case.
We're all individuals, and few people have experienced the exact same things as their friends. Our experiences, in turn, influence the advice we give. This leads people to have different ideas about how to fix their issue, which sometimes conflicts with others' advice.
If a friend says that everyone around them believes the same thing is best, try to think about whether you agree. It could be them taking the advice that they want to hear and ignoring the rest. If so, it doesn't always matter what you say. They're only listening for what they want to hear anyway.
8. "I don't know how this happened"
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Maybe you know how it happened. Maybe there is a clear connection between something they did and why the situation turned out badly. You might be tempted to explain exactly how they caused it, but that could cause even more problems.
They might end up feeling more judged than supported, which is likely to make them feel nervous about confiding in you again. If you are a primary support system in their life, they may start choosing to handle things on their own. Making a friend feel judged often leads them to isolate themselves emotionally in the future.
Lily Bell is a college student studying English and Publications who covers relationships, mental health, and personal narratives surrounding the human experience.
