11 Things Nice Girls Need To Learn In Order To Become Self-Respecting Women
Being nice isn't the problem, but expecting it to win you love and respect is.
Viktor Gladkov | Shutterstock We talk a lot about how Nice Guy Syndrome ruins men's dating lives, but Nice Girl Syndrome doesn’t get nearly the same attention—and it should. I know, because I’ve lived it. For years, I made myself small in relationships. I let guys walk all over me, hoping that if I were just “nice enough,” they’d finally love me the way I needed. Instead, I got used, hurt, and left. And like a broken record, I’d mutter that tired line: “No one likes someone so nice and caring anymore.”
Just like with Nice Guys, Nice Girls end up having a toxic, self-feeding loop that breeds resentment, shame, and a lot of heartbreak. But here’s the truth: being “nice” doesn’t mean being respected. It took time (and a lot of hard realizations) to break out of that cycle. When I had to confront my Nice Girl ways, a lot of things quickly made sense. Here are the things I had to learn the hard way to stop being a nice girl and start becoming a woman who truly respects herself.
Here are 11 things nice girls need to learn in order to become self-respecting women:
1. You can't convince someone to be attracted to you, no matter how nice you are
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At my peak Nice Girl Syndrome, I was recovering from illness and was close to being bedridden with a serious hormone disorder. I just had the father of my child dump me, and I just lost my job.
Guys weren’t attracted to me, and frankly, I tried to negotiate attraction and love, because I desperately needed someone to tell me I was enough, but no one really wanted to give me the boost I needed to feel better.
Research shows that consistent kindness can boost perceived attractiveness — but it doesn’t create romantic chemistry on its own, so all that negotiating felt futile and only hurt me more because I was setting myself up for failure.
2. If someone doesn't respect you, stop engaging with them
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Here was another issue I was doing that hurt my prospects. I’d whine and complain, or sometimes just smile and ignore when people would do me wrong. I’d always forgive, forgive, forgive. This led to predatory people taking advantage of me because I would end up showing that I’d tolerate it.
Studies show that speaking up and setting boundaries through assertive communication raises self‑respect and helps you command respect from others.
This led to them not respecting me, and strangely enough, cutting them out of my life was the snap to reality that made them realize they pushed me too far. (For the record, I still won’t talk to most of them and make it clear they have nothing to offer me.)
3. Losing respect for men after being mistreated is normal, but healing means choosing not to stay bitter
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Here’s the thing that really hurts me to say: after seeing how guys treat girls they deem physically unattractive, I can’t respect that gender anymore. I know there are good men out there, but it’s one of those issues where the toxic mentality I cultivated, mixed with the way they treated me when I was heavy, makes it impossible for me to find men to be trustworthy, honorable, or even likable in many cases.
Research shows that forgiving and releasing bitterness can greatly lower stress levels and support emotional healing, even if complete trust isn’t regained. Nice Girl Syndrome, coupled with seriously messed up stuff, can permanently damage you.
4. Being nice because you think it'll make people like you doesn't work
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I had Nice Girl Syndrome because I was repeatedly told that “just be nice” was enough to get people to like you — and it’s not.
So, so many of the lessons we take aren’t right or even realistic. Being “nice” doesn’t make you likable, especially if you’re not sure what being nice is supposed to be about. And since I was a doormat, I didn’t really know what being nice was supposed to be.
5. If your kindness comes with expectations, it's not really kindness
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Whether I realized it or not, a lot of the niceness I had was because there were strings attached.
This was 99 percent true with who I was dating. I never wanted to “just hang out and let stuff happen.” I wanted a boyfriend and a ring on my finger, and I both consciously and subconsciously felt that if I did things “right,” a ring would fall into my hands.
Research on the Social Exchange Theory shows that kindness given with expectations can feel more like a conditional exchange rather than genuine kindness. It often leads to feelings of resentment if those expectations aren’t fulfilled.
6. People can sense when your niceness has strings attached, and it pushes them away
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The “strings attached” issue was often what scared away guys.
Because, realistically, people can almost always tell when someone has an ulterior motive in mind, and research shows that what seems like "fake kindness" often triggers suspicion, making people back off. And I probably wasn’t even self-aware enough to realize that at the moment.
7. You can't force someone to want a relationship, even if you think you'd be perfect for them
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Though I felt that I would have provided a better, more stable relationship with many of the guys I approached, I couldn't force it on them.
Truth be told, I probably could have provided a great long-term relationship with many of them. However, it’s not my journey to dictate. They have to choose what’s right for them, and my talking to them about it until I was blue in the face only infuriated both parties at hand.
If the guy who rejects me ends up with a bad spouse as a result of that, I won’t lie, I’ll still probably be smug about it. However, if they end up with a good wife, I also can’t hate. Clearly, they knew better than I did at that point. Either way, it’s not my choice to make, and trying to fit a square peg in a round hole isn’t worth it.
8. The resentment from being overlooked builds up, and people can feel it
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My anger is pretty palpable, even sometimes now.
Being “unlucky” (as in, I caused much of this myself by being a doormat) has made me seethe with anger. There’s no way to hide that kind of anger, and it takes a lot of self-control not to let my negative mindset poison relationships.
Registered nurse and author Chaunie Brusie explains that bottled-up resentment can subtly affect our behavior, turning unresolved pain into contempt. This process often occurs unconsciously, and others can instinctively sense it, which may gradually cause us to push people away.
There are a lot of times when I want to tell guys who hit on me that I can’t respect them because 60 pounds ago, they wouldn’t have spoken to me. I’m not sure if that anger will ever go away.
9. Taking a break from dating will help you reset your mindset
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Walking away from the dating scene was one of the smartest decisions I could have made at the time.
Honestly, walking away from trying to get a date and just setting out to journey life on my own was the healthiest thing I could have done for myself. Admittedly, that decision came out of a “You can’t fire me, I quit” moment, but it’s done wonders for me lately.
Yes, guys now find me attractive, but now, I’m a lot more demanding. I no longer sweat it as much because I ended up realizing that Prince Charming is in fairytales for a reason. Guys don’t exist to save women, nor do women exist to save men.
10. A lot of us chase relationships because we're trying to prove our worth
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I realized that a lot of Nice Girl Syndrome starts because we want relationships for the wrong reasons
I wanted validation, security, and just the status of being “enough.” I wanted love, and to be loved, yes, but that can be gotten other ways.
The more I look at it, chasing a status was what made me unhappy, and acting like people are a means to an end like that will make you a poisonous person, even if you didn’t start out that way.
11. If this pattern feels familiar, therapy can help more than you think
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I realized I needed help.
Nice Girl Syndrome and my bad dating life have left serious marks on me. If I want to get better, I will need help doing so, which is why I’ve started going to therapy.
Research shows that even online group CBT boosts self-esteem and forgiveness — real, positive change is possible. If you’re in the same boat, I suggest you do the same.
Alex Alexander is a pseudonym. The author of this article is known to YourTango but is choosing to remain anonymous.
