15 Silent Habits That Push Your Partner Away Over Time
Habits that can slowly create distance if left unchecked.
Juan Pablo Serrano | Pexels The idealistic concept of marriage doesn't make much sense. What are the odds that two people stumble across each other in life and can tolerate each other indefinitely? But that's romance: you accept your spouse without contemplating murder.
We love and fight for each other through the unique combination of euphoria and monotony that is marriage. When I chose to take the plunge down the marital aisle, I knew I would be in it for the long haul. To ensure my husband and I didn't become another divorce statistic, I combed the Internet to find the silent habits that will push your partner away.
Here are 15 silent habits that push your partner away over time:
1. Giving the silent treatment
Communication, by far, is the #1 rule couples cite as the key to a lasting marriage. And truthfully, I believe it, because I’ve seen the importance of my marriage. I know I tend to shut down and keep my emotions and frustrations bottled up when I’m really upset, so to counteract that, I hash out everything to death with my husband instead.
I would even say I over-communicate because it’s that important to me. We both might get sick of talking about everything out, but it makes a huge difference in keeping a rock-solid relationship.
2. Tuning out your partner
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I’ve always had a hard and fast rule about banning the TV from our bedroom. Now that TV is everywhere, of course, this one has gotten a lot harder for us. This goes for Netflix, too! (Who doesn’t enjoy a little late-night video in bed with their phone?)
But for the most part, I think our marriage benefits when we have at least one area of our house that is “screen-free,” and let me assure you, you might stumble across other ways to keep yourselves entertained in the bedroom. (Pillow fort, anyone?)
3. Refusing to let little things slide
"My grandparents’ 61st anniversary is today," said one wise wife. "She always told me to pick your battles, and just listen when you know you’re right and bite your tongue."
With a marriage that has seen everything from the moon landing to celebrity live television meltdowns, I’m going to just go ahead and say that that woman has the experience to know what she’s talking about.
4. Holding a grudge
Raise your digital hand if you’re guilty of holding a grudge like no one’s business. For the wives (cough, me, cough) who keep track of how many times their husbands miss the laundry basket, forget to pick up the one thing we asked for from the grocery store, or somehow didn’t notice the baby’s explosive poopy diaper, it’s time for a change.
Make like Elsa and let go of all of the little resentments, because if they don’t matter in the long run, you’re only hurting yourself.
5. Focusing on intensity over consistency
"When things are easy, we can get by on the basics — respect, humor, and communication," says Joanna Schlaud, who has five children with her husband, Ted. "When things get tough, we have to reach deep down and think about the big picture: the qualities that the other person brings to the table, who would be affected by following your feelings, and how life will look better later if we give up a little of what we want now."
Bottom line? Marriage is about the long haul, not just how you’re feeling right this minute.
6. Expecting your partner to constantly accommodate you
I’m guilty of thinking that because I’m a working mom and a wife, somehow marriage revolves around me, and my needs, like my husband, are just there to help me keep life running smoothly. So whenever I start feeling stressed or just “out of synch,” I know it’s a signal to get the heck out of my selfish head and do something nice for him.
Nothing fancy — just making him his favorite breakfast or making sure he has a cup of coffee in the morning usually does the trick. It's the little things that can mean the most.
7. Trying to control everything
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How many times have you thought, "Well, if my husband would plan a date night once in a while, I'd be more than willing to do some of his favorite things in return."
"If you’re waiting around for more love from your partner first, you might wait forever,” explains Lauren Hartmann on her blog, The Little Things We Do. “If you want to have a good partner […] Be a good partner. And honestly, if you are being loving to your husband, there’s a pretty high likelihood he’s going to reciprocate."
8. Letting issues fester
One of the keys to a lasting marriage is a willingness to work on the issues that could affect your marriage. If you’ve got some work to do on yourself, do it not only for your well-being but also for the health of your marriage. Therapy, party of one, anybody?
9. Relying on your partner as your sole source of happiness
If you’re waiting for marriage to complete you, you’ve fallen victim to the great fairy tale lie of marriage. Your husband will not make you happy if you’re not happy alone, period.
10. Assuming the worst
"For us, the key is to assume the best in the other person," says wife and mom Leigha Campbell. "You're upset much less when they just get it wrong, but still tried. I never intended for him to feel disrespected, and I know he never intended for me to feel unloved. It just changes the perspective (which for me, changes everything)."
Imagine how much marriage would change if we started every disagreement by assuming the best from our partner instead of the worst.
11. Acting like roommates
It sounds trite, but it matters. It’s kind of silly when you think about how the rest of the world gets the best version of ourselves, while our spouse gets the exhausted, Netflix-marathon-in-our-sweatpants version.
"Act like you're still dating," suggests wife and mother of two, Anne Dziekońska, who runs a photography business with her husband. "Do things you know will make your spouse happy, especially when you're exhausted, don't feel like it, and don't think you have the time."
12. Never touching
You're thinking, "Duh!" Clueless style, but I included this rule because I quite often forget this one. I’m not a touchy-feely person in general, and add in the fact that I have four kids constantly needing me and a breastfeeding baby, and by the end of the day, I can feel totally "touched out."
But making that effort to connect in small ways physically can go a long way to staying in touch with each other (pun intended). "A simple touch to the hand or a hug can change moods," says wife Andrea Chupa, who has four children with her husband.
13. Being dismissive
In my call-out for marriage advice, one reader didn’t take kindly to my looking for help. "Don’t put your marital issues on the Internet!" she chided me. I chuckled, but she had a point. For many years, I did put a lot of our marriage’s dirty laundry out in the open — maybe not necessarily on the Internet, but in talking with my girlfriends. Um, all bets were off.
These days, I make a much more conscious effort not to bash my husband in public, even to my closest friends. I’m not saying I never vent about occasional small things, but if it’s big enough to get me complaining, I take that as a sign it’s big enough to address — with my husband, not anyone else.
14. Forgetting that love is a verb, not just a noun
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You know that warm and fuzzy feeling you had when you looked into your spouse’s eyes and recited your vows on your wedding day? Well, I guarantee you that they will face a burning fury and perhaps even a bitter rage over something incredibly stupid at some point in your marriage.
But fear not, because luckily for all of us mere mortals, love is a choice, not just a feeling.
15. Not being on the same team
This rule applies especially to spouses who are also parents because they fall into the trap of pitting against each other amid stomach bugs and sleepless nights. I have to remind myself that, even at 3 in the morning when we are shouting at each other and the baby is screaming, we are on the same team here.
Let’s hope we stay on that team together. Forever.
Chaunie Brusie is a Registered Nurse, writer, editor, and the author of the book, The Moments That Made You A Mother.
