7 Subtle Conversation Habits People With Narcissistic Traits Slip Into Without Realizing, Psychologists Say
Panagiotis Falcos | Unsplash I grew up with a narcissist. Typically, I can spot one a mile away — though I can’t always put my finger on why. It’s a gut feeling I can’t shake, but gut feelings are easy to doubt. As a result, I usually end up gaslighting myself into giving them a chance: “Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I should give them the benefit of the doubt. You can’t judge a book by its cover.”
Yet according to the pros, some covers are dead giveaways. Those with narcissistic tendencies often exhibit certain body language cues, facial expressions, and communication patterns. I wanted to know exactly what to look for, so I got in touch with three experts: a trauma-informed therapist, a licensed clinical psychologist, and a psychotherapist.
“Most people are on their best behavior when they first meet someone,” said Michele Paradise, a trauma-informed therapist and narcissistic abuse survivor. “People with narcissistic tendencies are too, but if you know what to look for, the cracks show early.”
Before we jump into the signs, a quick note about narcissism: Everyone has narcissistic tendencies… sometimes
“You can think of narcissism as a spectrum, with healthy narcissism on one end and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) on the other,” said Dr. Alina Kastner, a psychotherapist who specializes in systemic family therapy.
As babies, we’re all narcissists, concerned only with our immediate needs and wants. When we get older, we realize that other people exist. Most of us outgrow our selfishness — though not entirely, and that’s okay.
Some level of self-interest is necessary to live a happy, successful life. But when narcissistic traits become pervasive, persistent, and impairing, they qualify as a personality disorder.
About 16% of people have narcissistic traits without meeting the full clinical criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, said Paradise: “Annoying? Absolutely. But they are usually capable of genuine reflection and change.”
Those with narcissistic personality disorder, however, rarely demonstrate empathy, remorse, or improvement.
They’re stuck in a maladaptive feedback loop, guarding a fragile ego with grandiose armor. NPD is typically more prevalent in men, and “estimates range from 0.8% to 6.2% of the general population,” though “the real number is almost certainly higher,” Paradise said.
After all, if you can’t even acknowledge your shortcomings, getting yourself to therapy and securing a diagnosis isn’t likely. According to Dr. Kibby McMahon (a licensed clinical psychologist and the CEO of KulaMind), someone with narcissistic personality disorder meets at least five out of these nine criteria:
- They have an inflated sense of self.
- They’re preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, or romance.
- They need excessive admiration.
- They believe they are special and can only associate with other high-status people.
- They have a strong sense of entitlement.
- They exploit others to get what they want.
- They lack empathy for others.
- They’re envious of others.
- They have arrogant or haughty behaviors.
When you’ve known someone for years, these patterns become obvious. But when you’re dating, interviewing for jobs, or trying to make new friends, time is of the essence. These red flags help you recognize narcissism immediately, so you can set healthy boundaries and avoid getting tangled up in their web.
Here are 8 subtle conversation habits people with narcissistic traits slip into without realizing:
1. They smirk or roll their eyes
Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman found that 93.6% of the time, when couples displayed the contempt microexpression towards one another, they divorced within three years.
According to body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards, contempt usually reveals itself with a raised cheek, a sideways smirk, and apathetic eyes. In long-term relationships, this split-second expression indicates years of built-up resentment — but a narcissist will often subconsciously use it within the first interaction:
“That subtle lip curl or eye roll that flashes across someone’s face when they feel slighted, or when someone else gets attention they think they deserve,” said Paradise. “It’s fleeting, but it’s telling.”
2. Narcissists are desperate for their turn to talk
Getty Images / Unsplash+
Narcissists “hate listening, and that agitation stands out if you keep your eyes open,” said Dr. Kastner. They’re often quick to interrupt you or anyone who’s speaking. When they’re forced to listen, they usually do it with a fake smile, quick nods, and rapid blinking, which can signal boredom, impatience, or annoyance.
According to Dr. Kastner, these body language cues may also indicate nervousness (especially on a first date), so consider the context. But if the person seems disinterested before inevitably “steering it back to them,” it’s probably an indicator of narcissism.
3. They always try to one-up you
“Narcissists only feel worthy if they’re superior, special, and above other people,” said Dr. McMahon, so “they’re constantly measuring themselves up to the people around them.”
In her research, Dr. Ramani Durvasula identified eight types of narcissists: grandiose, covert/vulnerable, malignant, communal, neglectful, benign, entitled, and generational/cultural. This “one-upping” might look different depending on the type. For example, a grandiose narcissist will brag about money, status, job titles, and high-profile connections.
These days, however, covert narcissism (“feeling special and entitled based on their vulnerability”) is much more common, said Dr. McMahon. This person may try to one-up you with their suffering rather than their successes, saying things like, “Well, what about what I’ve been through?” and “Imagine how I feel.”
4. Narcissists seek validation and compliments
People with NPD need a constant source of attention, admiration, and validation. It’s called narcissistic supply — and as soon as one person stops providing it, they’ll start looking for their fix elsewhere.
Paradise calls this “monkey-branching.” Before one relationship fully ends, the narcissist is already lining up the next one, like a monkey swinging from branch to branch.
“That’s why breakups with narcissists can feel so destabilizing,” said Paradise. “You weren’t just left. You were replaced before you even knew it was over.”
If you’ve just met someone, their dating or friendship history may reveal a lot about their character. Someone who’s never single, can’t keep friends, and is always cycling through relationships could indicate a constant need for narcissistic supply.
5. Their “empathy” only lasts a few seconds
Ivan S / Pexels
You can fake empathy with eye contact, nods, and mirrored body language (I did it for years when I had a dissociative disorder), but other people can typically sense an emotional disconnect.
Since those with NPD lack empathy, it’s one of the biggest hints, and you can spot the mask by noticing how quickly they move on from sad topics.
“They will mimic empathy briefly with an empty stare or one-sided frown when you share a touching story, but they will quickly pivot the conversation back onto themselves,” said Dr. Kastner. “Someone truly empathetic will stay with your story for much longer.”
6. Narcissists can’t share the spotlight with anyone else
Someone with NPD needs to be the most celebrated, intellectual, or acknowledged person in the room, no matter what. Paradise said:
“Notice how they respond when the spotlight moves: Do they gracefully engage with whoever’s being celebrated, or do they find a way to redirect the conversation back to themselves, almost reflexively?
[Also] pay attention to how they treat people they perceive as beneath them. The way someone speaks to a waiter, a receptionist, or a stranger who’s in the way will tell you more about their character than anything they say directly to you.”
In her office, Dr. McMahon can usually spot someone with NPD by the way they react to her qualifications: “They’ll tend to look at my books or degrees in my office with disdain, like they’re looking for professional weaknesses.”
7. They love-bomb you right away
Narcissists are usually charismatic, so their self-absorption is easy to miss. But if the relationship feels too good to be true, it probably is.
All three experts warned against idealization and love-bombing: Over-the-top flattery, gift-giving, and attention, or sweeping you off your feet with grand gestures.
“You’re showered with attention, affection, and an intensity that feels extraordinary. And it is extraordinary, because it isn’t real. It’s a recruitment strategy,” said Paradise. Someone with NPD needs you to love them because your admiration fuels their ego. The love-bombing stage can last anywhere from an hour to a year…
8. And then they tear you down
Ivan S / Pexels
As soon as someone with NPD feels inferior or overlooked, they’ll lash out, attacking the same people, qualities, and values they once praised. The switch happens so fast, it gives you whiplash. This is called devaluation, and it comes after the idealization phase.
Negging (backhanded compliments designed to undermine your self-esteem) is a form of devaluation, and narcissists often do it from the first date. Throughout their interviews, the three experts listed the following phrases that a narcissist might use to tear you down or gaslight you:
- “Don’t you care about your looks?”
- “Other women have respectable careers.”
- “I thought you were different.”
- “You’re so sensitive.”
- “Stop being so dramatic.”
- “I was just joking.”
- “Why do you make everything a big deal?”
- “Why can’t you just be happy for me?”
- “No one else has a problem with me.”
So you suspect someone is a narcissist — what now?
These signs aren’t a formal diagnosis, but if something feels off, trust your gut and set boundaries from the start.
“Your nervous system often knows before your brain catches up,” said Paradise. Still, “Your best ally when meeting someone new is time and space,” so slow down and observe. “How someone handles disappointment, frustration, or being told no will tell you everything you need to know.”
If you’re already involved with a narcissist, unfortunately, their behaviors are unlikely to change. Your truth will probably never be acknowledged. That apology will likely never come. You’ll keep unraveling into their version of reality.
You can either stay and stop taking the bait or leave. According to Dr. Kastner: “The hardest thing is the void that comes after leaving, the emptiness, the longing for the drama again once you have actually left. It’s due to the trauma bonding. Not going back and keeping the no-contact rule is the most important thing to remember. Most survivors go back an average of 7 times. If you can avoid that cycle, you are already doing better than most.”
Secure, healthy love is a window, inviting you to view each other with clarity, light, and truth. Narcissistic love is a mirror, and you’re only valued when you provide a flattering reflection. You deserve better. You deserve to be seen, too.
Maria Cassano is a writer, editor, and journalist whose work has appeared on NBC, Bustle, CNN, The Daily Beast, Food & Wine, and Allure, among others.
