Someone Who Acts Cute But Actually Can't Stand You Usually Does 10 Backstabbing Things
Bricolage | Shutterstock It’s not always easy to know when friendships are unhealthy, which is why it’s so important to pay close attention to the signs that a friend is a sneaky backstabber and that you need to protect yourself. Pay very close attention to how you feel around certain friends; it can clue you in to whether they care about you or actually can't stand your pretty face.
Someone who acts cute but actually can't stand you often says these backstabbing things:
1. They talk about you behind your back
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Talking behind your back shows that a friend is a major backstabber, and you need to protect yourself. When you tell a friend something in confidence, you trust them not to share it, but a backstabbing friend will talk behind your back without a second thought. They’ll share your secrets and even go so far as to spread rumors about you.
Having a friend who is a backstabber can shake your sense of trust and make it hard to know which friendships are real and which aren’t. While we tend to put romantic relationships and friendships in totally separate categories, in reality, there’s much more overlap between the two than we think. As the American Psychological Association noted, research shows that the qualities that matter in romantic relationships are the same ones that matter in friendships: Intimacy and warmth.
2. They're weirdly competitive
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Another sign that a friend is a backstabber, and that you need to protect yourself, is when their competitiveness becomes harmful. A true friend celebrates your achievements and is proud of your wins, but a backstabber tries to make you feel unworthy by minimizing what you’ve accomplished.
Being competitive goes hand-in-hand with comparison. While some amount of comparison is normal human behavior, getting trapped in comparison culture can wreak havoc on your sense of self. YourTango's CEO Andrea Miller defines comparison culture as “a societal phenomenon in which individuals habitually engage in the practice of constantly measuring themselves, their achievements, possessions, and life situations against those of others.”
62% of people who responded to the survey shared that comparison culture is super problematic or somewhat problematic in their lives. While comparing yourself to others isn’t an easy habit to break free from, Miller noted that being grateful is an antidote to being competitive. "Gratitude is a power move; it can shift you from scarcity and fear to abundance and gratitude.” While a true friend celebrates your successes, a backstabbing friend will compare themselves in a way that feels weird and off-putting.
3. They put you down constantly
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Putting you down is a sign of a backstabbing friend, and you need to protect yourself. They might hide their cruelty with a kind tone of voice or tell you that they’re only kidding after saying something mean. They might give you compliments that are actually insults in disguise. They might pretend to be your friend, but really, their contempt for you will find a way to peek through.
Psychology professor Melanie Dirks noted that “Friendships are the first relationships in life that we get to freely choose. Because of that, they present a really important opportunity to learn how to navigate challenging interpersonal situations before we enter relationships as adults." Yet we don’t always choose friends who are good for us in the long run. A friend who subtly cuts you down with a cheeky expression on their face isn’t actually a friend at all, and you need to protect yourself from their backstabbing ways.
4. They fake concern
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Faking concern for you is a sign of a backstabbing friend, and you need to protect yourself. If someone pretends to care about you, but then uses emotionally manipulative tactics against you, it shows that they’re a backstabber, not a real friend. Their untrustworthy behavior shows they lack basic empathy. Empathy is a highly valued trait in healthy relationships, but someone who fakes empathy to gain social status isn’t actually your friend in any capacity.
5. They play the victim
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Playing the victim is a sign that a friend is a backstabber and you need to protect yourself. According to trauma therapist Nancy Carbone, having a victim mentality means everything is “always someone else’s fault.” “If you're a victim, everyone else is to blame because you shirk all responsibility and blame others when things go wrong,” she explained. A person who plays the victim uses phrases that absolve them of accountability for hurting others. If your friend acts in hurtful ways but then exclaims it’s not their fault, they’re a backstabber, and you need to get the heck out, like, yesterday.
6. They’re unreliable
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Unreliability is another sign a friend is a backstabber. While everyone can drop the ball sometimes, a friend who is habitually unreliable is basically letting you know that they don’t care enough about you to show up. They might cancel plans at the last minute or always have excuses as to why they can’t be there when you truly need them. If their chronic unreliability becomes a point of contention in your friendship, it could be a sign that they don’t have your best interests at heart.
7. They lack remorse
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Another sign a friend is a backstabber is that they show almost zero remorse for what they’ve done wrong. If you confront them about hurting your feelings or acting in a harmful way, they brush you off and minimize your emotions. They might tell you that you’re being too sensitive or to just get over it. If they do say they’re sorry, their apology is insincere, like they’re saying it just to get you off their back.
As licensed marriage and family therapist Shelby Riley explained, “Apologies are powerhouses, but when used nefariously, an apology serves to shut down an argument. A true apology “has the power to soothe and validate your partner’s reality, to repair the hurt that your mistake caused, and to hold you accountable so that you are far less likely to make the same mistake again.”
Riley noted that a heartfelt apology doesn’t just help the other person; it can also help you grow. By apologizing, you give yourself the gift of accountability. You heal the pain caused by your mistake. You validate and respect your partner, and you are growing into a healthier version of yourself.”
8. They're MIA when you need them most
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Another sign a friend is a backstabber is that they love being around you when things are going well, but suddenly disappear when times get tough. While having fun together is a crucial part of keeping a friendship alive, true friends show up even when things aren’t fun at all. They’re with you for the highs, and they don’t run away from the lows. They sit with you while you cry and help you through your losses. They hold your hand and tell you that everything will be okay, even if nothing is okay, right now. When someone is meant to be in your life forever, they can carry you when you need support; they're ride-or-die for you. When someone bolts every time life gets heavy, it’s a sign they’re a backstabber for sure.
9. They have zero respect for your boundaries
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The very act of setting boundaries is hard enough, but maintaining your boundaries and enforcing consequences when people cross your boundaries can be even harder. According to life counselor Audrey Tait, you’ll know when your boundaries are broken by paying attention to your emotions. “Understand that anger is an emotion that arises, in this case, because someone has broken a boundary,” she explained. “There is nothing wrong with anger. The issue comes in how you choose to express yourself. Setting consequences when people disrespect your boundaries might not be easy, but it will protect you from being hurt in the future."
10. They make you feel crazy
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Gaslighting is another sign your friend is a backstabber, and you need to protect yourself. As therapist Reta Faye Walker explained, “Gaslighters are adept at keeping you ‘off balance,’ second-guessing yourself, wondering if you are too sensitive, too loud, too tidy, or too anything.”
She shared that gaslighting can show up in various ways. When someone denies or dismisses your feelings, it’s a form of gaslighting. Minimizing your concerns or making you feel like any issue that comes up is your fault is also gaslighting behavior. A friend who gaslights you will make you doubt your reality. They will position themselves to control the friendship. They can turn on you at any time, so keep your wits about you, because this person is likely a backstabber.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
