11 Phrases People-Pleasers Think Sound Kind But Really Just Annoy Almost Everyone
Yuricazac | Shutterstock Nobody wants to be considered bossy or mean, but people-pleasers often take this concern too far, using phrases they think sound kind but really just annoy others. That's because people-pleasing often comes of as disingenuous, and people can sense it.
Often, this type of self-sacrificing attitude pushes away those who genuinely care and attracts people who want to take advantage of that fear of being unliked. See, truly good friends and partners want people smart, unique in their lives, and that's why people-pleasing become so annoying.
11 phrases people-pleasers think sound kind but really just annoy almost everyone
1. ‘Please, it’s no trouble at all’
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One phrase people-pleasers often use to sound kind is, ‘Please, it’s no trouble at all." Now, this is a kind phrase, but only when you truly, truly. mean it.
Though it might sound considerate, saying this phrase when you do go to a little trouble (or a lot!) makes you appear desperate and eager to please. Ultimately, it just annoys people.
Most of the time, when people say this, they’re hiding the fact that the other person's request was actually troublesome. But not wanting to appear rude, you disguise your real feelings by reassuring the other person that they did nothing wrong. And most people know when someone is being disingenuous.
Dr. Padraic Gibson, a psychologist, insists that lying takes a toll on a person's mental health and self-esteem, and it's safe to assume this is the case even when we're lying about our feelings in order to people-please.
2. ‘It’s no big deal’
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It might not seem like a big deal, but when people-pleasers use the phrase, ‘It’s no big deal,’ can have devastating consequences on your mental health when you're not being totally honest. As we discussed in the last point, people will know if you're not being honest, and it will come across as dishonest and erode trust.
In addition, when someone says something rude or does something inconsiderate, it's easy to brush it off by saying, 'It's not a big deal,' so you can move on without conflict. The problem is that this essentially gives someone else permission to keep being unkind, as they are being told it's not harmful.
According to the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that refusing to express yourself leads to poorer social support, closeness, and social satisfaction. That's why it's not only dishonest, it's unkind to for people-pleasers to continue denying their reality in this manner.
3. ‘If you don’t mind’
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Another phrase people-pleasers often think sounds kind is the sentence-started, 'If you don't mind....' In the moment, you may just be trying to be extra kind, not wanting to overwhelm the other person or come off as too demanding. It gives the illusion of choice, but if you genuinely need something done, it's actually more respectful to come right out and say what you need.
Asking them if they mind opens the floor for them to refuse your request, more so than if you were simply direct in letting them know what you need. There's no harm in being assertive, being direct can prevent misunderstandings and get the job done faster.
According to a study published in the journal PNAS, misunderstandings impact communication, often causing confusion and disagreement, which ultimately causes more conflict than necessary. So, to avoid all the drama, be clear-cut about your needs. It'll save both of you the headache.
4. ‘I’m probably wrong but…’
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One of the most passive-aggressive phrases a people-pleaser might start a sentence with is, 'I'm probably wrong, but..." When you start a sentence by degrading your own opinion, you undermine your intelligence. This not only makes you look insecure, it makes you sound like a complete people-pleaser. Though it may seem minor, saying this phrase makes you look unconfident and unreliable.
According to a report from the Institute for Research on Labor and Employment, overconfident people are viewed as more competent than those who accurately rate their confidence. In the Journal of Experimental Psychiatry, researchers found that people who know they're right become increasingly confident, making them more persuasive. This is called the confidence heuristic.
If you think you're wrong, don't say the thing out loud. If you think you're right, or even possibly right, don't sell yourself short for the purpose of seeming pleasing to others who may be threatened by your confidence.
5. ‘I’ll just do it myself’
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Often, when you hear a people-pleaser use the phrase "I'll just do it myself", they think they sound kind, but it's actually one of the most annoying things they can say. Why? Because pretty much everyone thinks they're being manipulative, guilt-tripping or passive-aggressive.
Delegating tasks to others is not easy, and it can feel like a better solution initially to just avoid the conflict altogether and do something yourself. But do this often enough and people will start taking advantage of you, allowing you to take on more than you can handle.
It's easy to get frustrated and take the reins, but instead, try to be straightforward, honest and helpful by letting them know how it needs to be done and taking the time to make sure it's done right. Putting in the extra effort also helps avoid misunderstandings and allows both parties to be on the same page.
6. ‘I don't care either way’
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There are many different ways to be easy-going, but trying to prove it by saying, "I don't care either way" can be annoying when coming from people-pleasers. That's because it's often dishonest.
You might say this phrase to avoid confrontation, but saying, "I don't care" often has the opposite impact. Not only does it make you seem uninteresting and lacking in character, but it also totally disregards your own feelings, wants, and needs.
Professor of Psychology Deacon Joseph Ferrari, Ph.D., shares that indecisiveness leads to increased anxiety, worry, regret, rumination, and shame. Often, the people who experience this will avoid making a decision. Because of this, when the outcome is less than desirable, they can blame others for their 'bad situation.' This, in turn, self-limits you and makes it more difficult for you to grow as a person.
While a people-pleaser may say this to sound kind, it can push other people to make decisions they're not comfortable with or assume your feelings, and that is the opposite of kind.
7. ‘I don’t want to upset anyone’
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Another phrase people-pleasers think sounds kind but really just annoys people is, "I don't want to upset anyone." First, you're already warning people that you are going to say something upsetting, setting the mood as negative from the jump. Second, you're establishing that you are not comfortable with asserting your boundaries.
Believe it or not, being honest about your feelings will help you avoid confrontation more than skirting around the issues will. That's because, as Dr. Brené Brown so famously says, being clear is kind, and people-pleasers who are afraid to upset people are usually the opposite of clear.
People who don't want to upset anyone will often compromise their boundaries in exchange for other people's comfort. Often, by being unwilling to upset people, you end up attracting people who will deplete you. This is especially true at work, but can be deeply painful in relationships, too.
8. ‘Don’t worry about me’
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It's okay to not be okay, and it's okay to let people worry about you sometimes, but people-pleasers often think it's kind to pretend everything is fine when it's clearly not. This compounds your stress and, honestly, annoys almost everyone.
In the research-based book Emotional Expression and HealthAdvances in Theory, Assessment, and Clinical Applications, the authors found a link between stress and emotional suppression. They observed people's sympathetic nervous system activity while watching films and found that it increases when people suppress their emotions.
According to experts at Johns Hopkins University Medical, stress is a major risk factor for heart disease and, as the American Psychological Association insists, "stress affects all systems of the body including the musculoskeletal, respiratory, cardiovascular, endocrine, gastrointestinal, nervous, and reproductive systems."
So, the next time you feel down, be open about your struggle. It has a more significant impact on your health than you think.
9. 'I’m sorry to bother you’
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People-pleasers often think phrases like 'I'm sorry to bother you" are a kind way to ask for a favor or interrupt, but in real life, this can become annoying. Why? Like many other phrases on this list, it sets a negative tone right from the start and can doom the interaction from the start.
First, people should avoid over-apologizing, especially when there's nothing to apologize for. It doesn't just give people pleasing vibes; it can also come off as insincere. After all, most of the time you're not really doing something you're sorry for, and if you were, you would wait so as to not be a bother in the first place.
In her book, The Power of Apology, Beverly Engel insists that over-apologizing is similar to over-complimenting. You think you're being nice, but it comes of as disingenuous or fawning, which is going to annoy almost everyone over time. It can also become like "the boy who cried wolf," where your constant apologies become like white noise. Eventually, if you truly do need to apologize for something, it won't have much impact.
10. ‘I’m sorry if I’m being a pain'
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People-pleasers have often been taught that their needs and desires should take a backseat in order to avoid making others comfortable. Because of this, they say phrases like, "I'm sorry if I'm being a pain" in order to be nice. But, as it turns out, it's not all that nice and can even become annoying.
According to research, negative words can actually affect your brain. In fact, researchers discovered that pain-associated words released stress and anxiety, activated by the pain processing areas of the brain. That's one good reason why people-pleasers should probably stop saying things like, "Im sorry I'm being a pain," as it invokes discomfort when spoken.
Instead, you should ask for what you want and not assume you're being a pain. Wanting the bare minimum doesn't make you difficult, and wanting respect shouldn't be hard to give. Instead, these are the things people should be willing to do without a fuss.
To combat this fake-nice type of people-pleasing, try swapping, "I'm sorry if I'm being a pain" for the kinder, more honest, "Thank you so much for helping me."
11. 'Whatever you want is good with me'
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People-pleasers often think it sounds kind to say, "Whatever you want is good with me" when asked where to go, what to eat or what to do on the weekend. In reality, this can be annoying to other people because it places all of the responsibility on them to make decisions. If something isn't good, like the restaurant they choose, the blame will fall on them every time.
Sure, it's fine to say it from time-to-time, but if you become that chronically "nice" person, it may start to seem like you have no personality and just want to feed off of others'. It can also make you appear insecure or even unintelligent.
Those who strike a healthy balance between being people-pleasers and being domineering know that it's OK to have an opinion and it's even OK when someone doesn't like you. They avoid being harsh or unnecessarily unkind by thinking before they speak, but they commit to being the unique person they are inside, too.
The best part? People who strike that balance are often the ones who are considered kindest and easiest to be around. Much more so than a typical people-pleaser, anyway.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who writes about self-help, relationships, careers, family, and astrology.
