Couples Who Ignore These 6 Things Often Quietly Watch Their Relationship Implode, Says Biological Anthropologist
You have to always pay attention in a good partnership.
pixelshot | Canva While some people are fiercely dedicated to the single life, human nature and evolutionary biology mean that the vast majority of people crave an intimate relationship. Yet sustaining those relationships is not easy. U.S. Divorce Statistics show that roughly 40% of first marriages fail, while subsequent marriages are even less likely to succeed.
What implodes a relationship? The reasons are as varied as the individuals, but, in addition to a lack of intimacy and financial troubles, six of the most common relationship killers are trust issues, infidelity and jealousy, communication difficulties, lack of balance, compatibility problems, and abusive behavior.
Couples who ignore these six things often quietly watch their relationship implode:
1. Trust issues
Trust is essential to the companionship and intimacy that hold relationships together. Yet it is also one of the hardest things to earn and keep. Trust issues run the gamut from financial choices to emotional dependability.
Often, there is an underlying issue that was never fully discussed and resolved, such as one partner’s gambling spree in Las Vegas or an inability to agree on whether to relocate to a new city. Over time, these unresolved issues can carry over into your day-to-day relationship, casting a cloud of suspicion and doubt over even the most mundane situations.
2. Infidelity and jealousy
Ground Picture / Shutterstock
While trust can break down in many facets of a relationship, suspected or confirmed infidelity can be the hardest to overcome. From emotional affairs to physical dalliances, infidelity tends to destroy nearly half of the relationships that it impacts. Even if you decide to stay together, learning to rebuild what you had before is an arduous and emotionally draining experience.
This is equally true in cases where no affair occurred, but accusations were made. Because infidelity is such a devastating experience, being falsely accused can feel like an intensely personal attack, destroying trust and intimacy. You must avoid making accusations without proof, and talk out any fears or doubts you have in a non-threatening and open way.
Research stresses that ignoring infidelity and jealousy in relationships can have far-reaching negative consequences. Addressing these issues head-on, seeking professional help when needed, and focusing on repairing the emotional damage are essential for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
3. Communication difficulties
Many couples struggle with communication, often claiming that they speak different languages. Yet failure to communicate can lead a once-close couple to begin operating in completely different spheres, living more like roommates than partners.
Over time, you will begin to feel isolated and lonely and might seek emotional intimacy elsewhere. Lack of communication can also lead to contempt, or the tendency for every meaningful conversation to devolve into sarcasm and belittling rather than healthy resolution.
4. Lack of balance
Unbalanced relationships are particularly common among young couples and those with new children or aging parents, but they can happen to anyone. Imbalance occurs when one or both partners fail to prioritize the relationship, instead placing unusual importance on other people or other situations.
It is normal for relationships to ebb and flow, and in times of crisis, it is only natural for the relationship to take a backseat. When it becomes a problem, though, is when one partner begins to feel consistently taken for granted, unheard, or devalued.
Examples of a lack of balance that can destroy a relationship include: always spending the holidays with one set of parents, one partner drinking with friends every night after work, or one partner making all of the vacation decisions. Even when you are coping with issues outside your relationship, be sure to check in frequently with your partner and let him or her call some of the shots.
When one partner exerts more control or has more influence, it can create a sense of powerlessness and vulnerability for the other partner. A 2019 study revealed that this dynamic can lead to self-silencing, over-apology, and feelings of being objectified.
5. Compatibility problems
fizkes / Shutterstock
Opposites may attract, but it is extremely tough to keep a relationship of opposites together. Basic compatibility on such things as values and worldview is essential to a comfortable, long-term relationship. If you are radically different, respect and compromise are critical.
Everything from whether to celebrate Santa Claus with your kids to whether to attend religious services could be a sticking point for couples without basic compatibility. Over time, only the most stubbornly dedicated couples can overcome major compatibility problems.
6. Abusive behavior
Abuse should never be tolerated in any relationship, but abusive behaviors tend to fall along a continuum. Rage, disrespect, and emotional stonewalling may not be relationship-ending in and of themselves, but continuing patterns can wear people down. An inability or unwillingness to respect your partner’s thoughts, beliefs, and feelings can destroy the trust and intimacy in any relationship.
While these common relationship problems can destroy relationships, they can also be opportunities to get your relationship back on track. If you and your partner face difficulties, consider seeking advice from a professional counselor. If both people are willing and able to face their responsibilities in the situation, with a lot of hard work, the relationship can often be saved.
Research indicates that psychological abuse alone can have a stronger link to PTSD than physical abuse. The risk of post-separation abuse also emphasizes the importance of addressing abusive behaviors during the relationship
Helen Fisher, Ph.D., was one of America's most prominent anthropologists and the author of six internationally best-selling books.
Lucy L. Brown, PhD, is a neuroscientist and Clinical Professor in Neurology at Einstein College of Medicine in New York.
