People With Zero Emotional Integrity Usually Say 10 Phrases To Shame People Out Of Their Emotions
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock Empathy is an important trait, as it allows us to understand the experiences of others on an emotional level. Having emotional integrity means using empathy regularly and making decisions based on a combination of empathy and your values.
Humans are social creatures with an innate desire to be connected to other humans. No one can be perfectly empathetic all the time. While empathy comes naturally to almost everyone to some extent, it also requires conscious and unconscious effort to live with integrity.
People with zero emotional integrity usually say these phrases to shame people out of their emotions:
1. 'Just get over it'
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This phrase minimizes a person's struggle and implies weakness. When we are told to get over it, the people in our lives do not think about what is best for us.
Instead, they think about what's best for them. Let's face it: intense emotions are stressful for the people around us. By saying these things, we invalidate the trauma people have experienced and almost shame them to question themselves and their emotions.
2. 'That wasn’t so bad, was it?'
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This can invalidate their feelings and experiences as if they were trivial. When someone's feelings are consistently dismissed or minimized, they may believe their emotions are invalid, leading to a diminished sense of self-worth and personal value.
A 2019 study showed that individuals who experience frequent invalidation may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms like self-harm or other self-destructive behaviors to manage their emotions.
3. 'You're being too sensitive'
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Insensitivity on your part can stigmatize someone else's emotional responses. These words disconnect people from who they are and criticize one of our greatest human traits: emotional sensitivity.
This has had deep, long-lasting effects on all (or most) highly sensitive people. People with emotinal integrity want to do what's right by others, and work hard to be sure not to dismiss or stigmatize someone else's emotions.
4. 'Why can't you just forget about it?'
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This question simplifies a complex emotional process and can cause further damage. Trauma is often characterized by intrusive thoughts and flashbacks, where the traumatic event involuntarily re-enters a person's awareness, making forgetting nearly impossible.
Researchers have explained that this type of questioning can discourage individuals from seeking help for their trauma, as they may feel judged or like they are not trying hard enough to move on.
5. 'I know exactly how you feel.'
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This kind of comment presumes to understand their unique suffering or struggle. Everyone experiences emotions differently based on their unique life experiences, making it nearly impossible to fully grasp another person's feelings, even if you've faced similar situations.
Saying, "I know how you feel," can inadvertently imply that their emotions are not valid or significant, potentially silencing their expression.
A better alternative would be to simply ask how they're feeling or to say, "I can imagine that would feel [insert feeling here]" or something similar that allows them to confirm or explain further.
6. 'At least you're still alive'
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This fails to recognize and neglects the emotional scars left behind by their experience. This phrase can be perceived as insensitive and lacking empathy, as it does not acknowledge the complex emotional experience of the survivor.
Research published in The European Journal of Psychotraumatology concluded that hearing this can sometimes trigger or re-traumatize a survivor by forcing them to confront the traumatic event in a way that feels invalidating.
7. 'Stop living in the past'
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This phrase often demonstrates a lack of understanding about the complex nature of trauma and how it can significantly impact a person's life long-term. It's not simply a choice to stay stuck.
The Royal College of Psychiatrists recommended acknowledging the pain and difficulty they are experiencing and expressing empathy for their situation. Callous remarks ignore the uncontrollable nature of triggers and shame the person for something that is much more complex than a simple choice.
8. 'You need to move on'
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Everyone’s journey is unique. Phrases like "you need to move on" simplify and disregard the psychological difficulty of the work of growing and healing required in order to move on.
If they are struggling significantly, instead of telling them it's time to move on, as if it were one simple choice, suggest seeking therapy from a qualified mental health professional who can guide them through the healing process.
9. 'It happened to me, too, and I’m fine'
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Establishing harmful comparisons is rarely helpful to the person who is triggered or feeling highly emotional. Research suggests that downward social comparison, where individuals compare themselves to someone perceived as worse off, is particularly detrimental in trauma situations, as it can lead to a sense of not being bad off enough to warrant help.
The same researchers also found a link between engaging in trauma comparisons and increased severity of PTSD symptoms, particularly when individuals feel their trauma is not as significant as others.
10. 'You’re just seeking attention'
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These harmful words accuse them of manipulating their condition for sympathy. These comments can serve as triggers themselves and cause further emotional pain and exacerbate shame.
Being labeled as attention-seeking can also make individuals feel like their experiences are invalid and that they are being judged negatively, leading to decreased self-esteem. People might be less likely to share genuine concerns or ask for help if they fear being labeled as attention-seeking.
Avoiding adding shame and blame and finding other ways to compassionately support the person triggered can make a significant difference in your interactions with someone who is suffering.
Michele Molitor, CPCC, CHt, is a certified coach, hypnotherapist, and co-author of the book I Am Perfectly Flawsome - How Embracing Imperfection Makes Us Better.
