People Who Listen To Everyone's Problems But Feel Invisible When They Need Help Usually Display These 11 Traits
Sometimes they push people away, and sometimes they find that there's no one there to be pushed.
imorarash | Shutterstock Some people are just the go-tos when anyone in their circle has a problem. They give great advice, are always understanding, and have an energy that makes people want to approach them for help. The only problem is that they're not always so great at seeking and receiving that help themselves. They may feel like a doormat that people walk all over but never help in return, or they might just not know how to ask for help.
Whether it's problem-solving, feeling misunderstood, or internalizing their emotions, people who listen to everyone's problems but feel invisible when they need help usually display these traits. Stanford social psychologist Xuan Zhao said there are several reasons people may have a hard time asking for help, including not wanting to look weak, fear of rejection, and being a burden. Whether someone feels invisible when they need help because they are afraid to ask for it or because they just feel like no one's there for them, there are some traits they typically display.
People who listen to everyone's problems but feel invisible when they need help usually display these 11 traits
1. They're hyper-independent
insta_photos | Shutterstock
People who listen to everyone's problems but then feel invisible when they need help themselves tend to be very independent, sometimes to a fault. They might not have chosen to be this way because it's very likely that they want to be listened to when they're struggling. But because people don't show up for them, they've been forced to become as independent as possible to cope with their lack of a support system.
Licensed social worker Silvi Saxena explained that hyper-independence is actually a coping mechanism people use to deal with trauma they have experienced in the past. "Hyper-independent individuals do not rely on others, avoid asking for help and often reject support, even to their detriment," she said. "They have learned to protect themselves because others have let them down, often in childhood."
If someone is repeatedly let down by the people around them because they don't listen to them when they need help and support, they may develop a sense of hyper-independence. They'll also probably feel forced into taking on this persona because they don't have anyone else they can count on to help them with problems. They turn inward and learn to only rely on themselves.
2. They problem-solve
fizkes | Shutterstock
If someone listens to other people's problems but doesn't get that same level of support, they're probably a natural problem-solver. People come to them for help because they know they'll have advice, offer guidance, and give personalized suggestions.
And, of course, they'll do so without batting an eye because it's second nature to them. They are one of the helpers in the world, and they want to be there for others.
This also extends internally. Not only do they solve problems for others, but they solve them for themselves, too. Because no one is there for them when they need help, they have no choice but to solve their own problems without outside help. This sharpens their problem-solving skills even more and gives them more confidence doing so.
According to a study published in BDJ in Practice, problem-solving is just a part of our DNA. "Modern humans have been problem-solving for hundreds of thousands of years," the study said. "Our ability to solve problems is one of the factors that underpin our success as a species."
However, all problems are different, as are all people. Some are just better problem-solvers than others. If someone is constantly helping other people with their problems and facing their problems on their own, they'll grow into a pretty great problem-solver.
3. They're empathetic
DimaBerlin | Shutterstock
A person who listens to everyone else's problems is likely going to be empathetic. They are there for others when they need it the most, and they put their own issues on the back burner.
While some people may feel like they sort of got roped into helping everyone, many people in this situation will help and support others because they simply want to and feel a responsibility to do so. They understand when someone is going through something difficult.
Health and wellness writer Crystal Raypole defined empathy as "the ability to understand the experiences and feelings of others outside of your own perspective." She offered an example: "Say your friend just lost their dog of 15 years. Empathy is what allows you to understand the level of pain she's going through, even if you've never lost a beloved pet."
If someone is empathetic, the people around them will want to seek them out when they're dealing with something difficult. They know that they'll be understanding and offer comfort when they need it the most.
Of course, the problem is finding that same level of empathy for someone else to give them in return. It can be hard to be the empathetic friend who can always be counted on, but doesn't have anyone they can really count on themselves.
4. They're misunderstood
NoemiEscribano | Shutterstock
People who listen to everyone's problems but feel invisible when they need help usually feel misunderstood. After all, they're there for everyone else when they are struggling, but no one is really there for them.
They may think that other people just don't get them or what they're going through. This could be a result of others not offering any help when they need it, or it could come from feeling like they just can't talk about their feelings as openly as people do with them.
Harvard psychiatrist and brain-imaging researcher Srini Pillay shared, "The problem with being misunderstood is not simply that we are not as others perceive us. It is also that, for some reason, they only see that part of us and not the whole. The parts of us that others see as the whole of us threaten those others. They're seen as 'too over the top' as they threaten the status quo."
Humans are complex and have a lot of different layers to them. Just because someone understands one aspect of a person does not mean that they understand them as a whole. And, if people are not willing to reach out and try to understand a person when they are at their lowest, they're probably not going to feel very understood at all. This lack of understanding can damage relationships and make people feel very alone.
5. They're private
New Africa | Shutterstock
One explanation for why someone may listen to everyone's problems but feel invisible when it comes to their own could simply be that they're a private person. They don't want to feel invisible and not have any help when it comes to their own issues, but they aren't natural sharers, so they tend to keep those feelings to themselves.
Because of that, they don't really have the support system they need. People may just assume they're fine because they never say otherwise.
"You have thousands of thoughts each day," explained psychologist Julie Radico. "Some of those thoughts are likely helpful and some may be unhelpful. Our unhelpful thoughts can lead us to believe that we don't deserve help, or that it's not okay to ask for help, or that help won't be given if we ask for it."
A private person may be under the impression that asking for help isn't acceptable. They may fear being perceived as weak, or they may just not know how to ask for help in the first place. Whatever their concerns may be, it's all led them to become a deeply private person who doesn't reach out for help. And if no one knows they need help, no one can be there for them.
6. They don't trust easily
simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock
Similarly, someone who feels invisible when they need help may not trust others very easily. They may find it difficult to open up when they are struggling and could use some support.
Just like hyper-independence can be caused by past trauma, a lack of trust can also be a result of what's happened to someone before. If someone else betrayed their trust or showed that they weren't trustworthy, they may have trouble trusting others, even when they have the best of intentions.
Psychology educator Kendra Cherry, explained, "Trusting others requires vulnerability on our part, which some struggle with. Negative past experiences can lead to trouble with trust, which can harm our friendships and romantic relationships. If trust is an issue, there are steps we can take to start learning to trust."
Even though someone may be willing to help others and listen to all of their problems, they may not trust people enough to allow that to happen for themselves. This will lead them to feel invisible because they're pushing people away and getting rid of any chance to truly open up and trust someone. Fortunately, as Cherry said, these issues can be addressed and worked on.
7. They're lonely
fizkes | Shutterstock
If someone has a habit of listening to everyone else's problems but feels invisible themselves, they probably feel quite lonely. They are there for everyone in their life, and possibly even some strangers they just happen to come across when they need help, but there's no one there for them.
In other words, they have a circle of people around them, but they don't support them as they should. They expect to receive that support, but it's not reciprocated.
Cherry defined loneliness this way: "Loneliness causes people to feel empty, alone and unwanted. People who are lonely often crave human contact, but their state of mind makes it more difficult to form connections with others." She added that loneliness can be caused by things like isolation, depression and low self-esteem.
If someone feels like no one is there for them when they need it, then they'll probably feel pretty isolated. It could also cause them to be depressed or have low self-esteem as they feel like no one really cares about them.
That person could have a thousand friends, but they'll still feel lonely if none of them are there to help them when they need it. And, in that case, they wouldn't really be friends.
8. They don't set boundaries
Miljan Zivkovic | Shutterstock
Someone who has a habit of listening to everyone else's problems might not be the best at setting boundaries. As much as people need support, they can't expect to get all of that help from one person who just happens to be that one person for everyone. If someone helps others constantly but receives no help themselves, it may mean they struggle to say when enough is enough and to take care of themselves.
Physician Whitney Casares noted, "People who don't have strong boundaries often believe others' needs are more important than their own." This sounds exactly like the problem we're dealing with here.
Someone who thinks everyone else's issues are top priority will be less likely to address their own. And without boundaries, that person will just keep letting others walk all over them with their problems without a thought given to their own.
9. They internalize their emotions
Anatoliy Karlyuk | Shutterstock
People who listen to everyone's problems but feel invisible when they need help usually internalize their emotions. Rather than letting those feelings out and sharing them as openly as the people around them do, they just keep them to themselves and try to stuff them down. Of course, this doesn't actually help them in the long run, and can actually be very damaging.
Clinical psychologist Jill P. Weber revealed, "Internalizing is blinking away your upset or needs in the service of keeping the peace with others in your life... Whatever the situation, you look at the person talking to you and prioritize what they need to hear from you, over what's occurring in your own mind and body."
She added, "When you internalize, you sacrifice the long term for the short term. In the moment, you are liked and you keep things easy for the other person. In the longer term, however, you feel exhausted and burned out by your relationships."
Someone who internalizes their emotions doesn't put themselves first. They also prioritize others, meaning it eventually gets to the point that everyone just assumes they have no needs because that's exactly how they act.
This is how they will end up feeling invisible when they're the ones who need help. There will be nothing left for them, and they'll feel hurt and burned out.
10. They're emotionally exhausted
fizkes | Shutterstock
As mentioned above, if someone holds their emotions so tightly that no one else ever sees them, or if those emotions are simply ignored by others, they'll find themselves feeling emotionally exhausted.
They're pouring out of an empty cup, essentially. They give all that they have to everyone else, and they not only have nothing left for themselves, but they have no one there to give them anything with which to refill.
"Emotional exhaustion is a state of feeling emotionally worn out and drained due to accumulated stress from one's personal or work life, or a combination of both," explained health and wellness writer Jacquelyn Cafasso. "It is one of the signs of burnout. People experiencing emotional exhaustion often feel like they have no power or control over what happens in life. They may feel 'stuck' or 'trapped' in a situation."
By always giving others the best and saving nothing for themselves, and also not asking for any help in return, someone can easily become emotionally exhausted. The fact that they feel invisible when they need something just makes it worse.
Not only does no one else help with their problems, but they have no energy left to deal with it themselves. It's a vicious cycle.
11. They're people-pleasers
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
One of the biggest traits one could assign to people who listen to everyone else's problems but feel invisible when they need that help themselves is that of people-pleasing. They are so focused on everyone else and helping them solve their problems that they completely ignore their own and allow others to do the same.
Their people-pleasing tendencies mean that they always want everyone else to be happy and feel as great about themselves as possible. Meanwhile, no one ensures they feel that way too.
Describing people-pleasers, licensed clinical psychologist Sherry Pagoto said, "You can always count on them for a favor. In fact, they spend a great deal of time doing things for other people. They get their work done, help others with their work, make all the plans and are always there for family members and friends. So far this sounds like a good thing. Unfortunately, it can be an extremely unhealthy pattern of behavior."
People-pleasers put others' needs before their own. One way this manifests itself is by helping other people solve their problems and feel better about themselves while pretending their own issues don't exist.
They would never bring up the things they're facing because that might upset someone and wouldn't benefit anyone else in any way. (Or so they think — having the chance to help others is actually quite beneficial.) They're solely focused on everyone else, and it's to their own detriment.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
