People Who Are Too Nice For Their Own Good Usually Have These 11 Reasons
They might not realize how their kindness gets in the way of how they view themselves.
PeopleImages from Getty Images Signature via Canva Being nice is a trait that many people appreciate. People genuinely enjoy being around someone who's thoughtful and always willing to help them out. But sometimes, being too nice can actually end up doing more harm than good. It's the person who's constantly saying yes even when they actually just want to say no, or the person who avoids confrontation because they don't want to potentially hurt their relationships with other people. There's definitely a line between being a nice and kind person versus when it actually ends up working against you and your well-being.
People who are too nice for their own good just hate the idea of letting other people down. They have genuine intentions, but when you're constantly putting your own needs on the back-burner to appease others, it leaves you feeling taken advantage of without even actually realizing it. On the outside, these individuals may seem cheerful, but on the inside, they're usually juggling a lot of issues that they don't allow anyone else to see, and it all boils down to them being a bit too nice.
People who are too nice for their own good usually have these 11 reasons
1. They put everyone else first
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Those who are too nice for their own good usually are the types of people that will go out of their way to make sure everyone is doing good and feels comfortable. While there's no problem with checking in on your loved ones and being a shoulder to cry on for them, when someone is making this a priority without checking in on themselves first, it can end up becoming more of a problem than anything else.
"There is nothing wrong with this idea, and the most rewarding, mutual relationships are comprised of spontaneous gestures of kindness, love, support, and acts of service. Things tend to go south, though, when one person finds himself or herself continuously giving much more than they receive," says psychologist Kristi Pikiewicz.
When someone is asking them for a favor, they'll drop everything without a second thought to help. Over time, this just becomes their mindset of helping people first and then tending to their own needs afterwards. But what they fail to realize is that putting everyone first means that it's much quicker to get burnt out and overwhelmed.
2. They avoid confrontation at all costs
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Even if these individuals are genuinely hurt or frustrated by the actions of someone they care about, they'll swallow those feelings than actually speak up. To them, they would much rather keep the peace than risk someone else getting upset, even if they themselves are upset. While it may seem like a nice thing to try and avoid confrontation, it usually ends up making things worse. A lot of the time resentment ends up building because you want this other person to do better by you but they have zero idea what that looks like or the fact that you are seeking that from them.
"Confrontation is necessary at times for personal growth and relational change. It is the way confrontation is defined and implemented that can feel threatening, counterproductive, and even dangerous," pointed out professional counselor Ruth E. Stitt.
Because you haven't spoken up, they think everything is fine. And truthfully, you can't get mad at them for repeating their behavior if you've just been brushing things under the rug. There's nothing nice about it actually, and the nice thing to do would actually to just have a conversation. It doesn't have to end ugly but it can jumpstart the process of healing and eventually moving on.
3. They need constant approval
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People who are too nice for their own good are usually the type of people that are checking to see if they're doing enough with the people in their lives. While everyone does need a bit of validation and reassurance sometimes, seeking it out constantly just means you want everyone around to like you. Usually, people who are always seeking approval lack the ability to just give it to themselves.
"Seeking out opinions and advice is one thing, especially when it’s solicited, but attempting to manipulate loved ones to support our choices is a completely different story. What would it be like for you if the people in your life didn’t approve of a decision? Is the fear of their disapproval about them, or is it about you?" questioned therapist Hannah Rose.
They worry that if they're just making decisions without getting the approval from other people, then they will be seen as less than. Because of that fear, it drives everything about their lifestyle. It also leaves them open to being manipulated from how hard they're depending on others to lift them up.
4. They overanalyze every interaction
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Those who are usually too nice have a problem with not overthinking. After a night-out, they'll wake up the next morning and immediately think that everyone is mad at them. They'll sit there and replay conversations in their head and dissect situations to figure out if they said or did the right thing. It's because of how much they care about how others feel, which is both a blessing and a curse.
"While critical thinking is a valuable skill, overthinking can lead to excessive stress, indecision, and a distorted perception of reality," explained psychologist Kevin Bennett.
The worst part about it is that they rarely ever confront people because of how scared they are of confrontation. Rather than just trusting that they didn't do anything embarrassing or that they didn't do anything to make people hate them, they'll just sit there and ruminate, which only ends up making their anxiety worse.
5. They feel guilty for saying no
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Usually these people are always saying yes, even in situations where they desperately want to say no. It truly doesn't matter what the request is, they will drop everything they have going on just to be there for someone else. It could be someone they don't even like or they aren't that close to, and yet, they'll show up at the drop of a hat. It's because of how guilty they feel with not being able to show up mixed in with their deep desire to be liked and accepted by everyone they meet.
"Saying no will always require courage, but managing the guilt that comes with it doesn’t have to be an uphill battle. Whether you add context, reframe guilt as growth, or practice self-compassion, these strategies can help you confidently embrace your boundaries," suggested psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein.
What they don't realize is that by agreeing to everything, including things they don't want, can lead to them feeling exhausted all of the time. There's really nothing wrong with saying no. If someone genuinely appreciates you and cares about the relationship they have with you, they'll never be offended by you having boundaries. In fact, they'll heavily encourage it.
6. They have a fear of standing out
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People who are too nice for their own good often have this intense fear of standing out. They worry about drawing attention to themselves because of how uncomfortable it makes them feel. It could be something as simple as sharing their opinion in their group of friends or even wearing an outfit out in public that's out of their comfort zone.
It truly doesn't matter what it is, they would rather feel safe by not sticking out like a sore thumb than stand out in any way. It's because of how much they've convinced themselves that keeping a low profile means that they won't run into any kind of conflict. But, it usually means they're holding themselves back from being able to achieve certain things or get out of their comfort zone.
7. They constantly feel guilty
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People who are too nice for their own good will find themselves being the type of people that over-apologize. They have a habit of just saying sorry even when they haven't done actually wrong. It usually comes from a place of being fearful that they're upsetting someone, and so to get ahead of that, they'll just apologize.
But, always saying sorry can actually be a detriment to their self-worth. If they're always apologizing over the smallest mistakes or nothing at all, it shows that their needs are somehow always wrong. It can end up chipping away at their confidence and make them question whether or not they can even assert themselves.
8. They fear losing their friends
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Even when there's actually no real threat, these individuals often have this constant fear of losing their friends. They worry that rocking the boat in any way, whether it's through a disagreement or just trying to set boundaries, means their friends will realize they don't need them and walk right out the door.
However, true friendships are not fragile at all. If your friends are using any little excuse to drop you, then they're not actually your real friends at all. You should be able to speak your mind around your friends, in a way that's not nasty at all, and they should be willing to work things out and be there for you the very next morning.
9. They hold grudges in silence
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Because people who are too nice for their own good usually struggle with confrontation and experessing their needs, it's not surprising that they tend to hold onto their grudges in silence. Rather than being able to address them directly, they'll bottle them up instead. Everything might seem fine with them because they're smiling and carrying on like their usually selves, but underneath, the grudge they're holding on to is festering and growing stronger.
It's because these individuals worry that speaking up will make them seem as if they're being "too difficult," when in reality, that's not the case at all. Holding onto a grudge only does you a disservice. It not only eats away at your mental health, but nothing will ever get solved if you're just angry all of the time about a situation that can easily be resolved by having conversations.
10. They feel guilty for resting
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Even if their bodies are tired and they have no more mental energy to keep going, they will still convince themselves that rest is selfish. Instead, they'll push themselves pretty much to the brink, leaving zero room for themselves. This guilt usually comes from tying their value as a person to their level of productivity. They feel like taking time for themselves takes away from their niceness and kind behavior, so they keep going, even when it's clearly unsustainable.
Rest is needed, no matter who you are or what you have going on. We are not machines, we're human beings. We need to have eight to ten hours of sleep each night and we need to have days where we're not doing anything at all. We simply cannot be our best selves if we're haggard and worn down all of the time.
11. They struggle to receive compliments
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When someone pays them a compliment of any kind, rather than actually soaking it in or feeling gratitude, it makes them feel awkward. People who are too nice for their own good usually just downplay compliments or just shrug them off entirely. It's because they don't want to see too boastful, thinking it'll get in the way of them being nice to people.
"A little modesty is a fine thing, but some of us have these self-deprecating reactions constantly. We find it difficult to acknowledge our professional success or our achievements at school, or we fret about our ability to hit the same heights the next time we’re tested. When this reaction forms a distressing, recurring pattern of thought, it embodies a type of imposter syndrome," explained philosopher Katherine Hawley.
Even if they've done something meaningful and worth receiving a compliment over, they'll act as if it was no big deal. Instead, they'll just focus on the areas in which they can improve on, preferring to focus all of their energy on their flaws rather than the things they do well. No amount of praise feels good enough for them, and therefore, they never actually feel confident in their abilities or even in themselves.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
