People Raised With Classy Parents Always Follow These 5 Unspoken Etiquette Rules When Arguing
Samanta Sokolova | Unsplash In our pursuit to defend, justify, validate, or prove our point, we often miss the big picture and end up saying things we don't mean, have nothing to do with the conversation, or later regret. Rather than trying to understand him and where he's coming from, push people further away accidentally, which ultimately leads to more of a disconnect and more arguments.
The good news is it doesn't have to be that way. Below are five tips the classiest people know that will help you enhance communication with the important people in your life, including your partner, kids, co-workers, friends, and family.
People raised with classy parents always follow these 5 unspoken etiquette rules when arguing:
1. First, decide what kind of conversation this is
We often don't realize that there are many different ways we can communicate in any particular conversation. Sometimes we just want to transmit specific information ("go pick up the kids at 5 p.m."), yet at other times we want to talk through a difficult issue or connect at a deeper level. Knowing what the goal of your conversation is can help you decide whether it's worth it to argue about specific facts or whether it is best to accept the other person's assertions and move on to more important issues.
Different types of communication vary according to whether you're expressing opposing or cooperative goals, according to research on conflict communication. Understanding what you want from the conversation helps you decide whether to focus on being right or on maintaining a connection with the other person.
2. Make eye contact
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The best way to emotionally connect with someone is to look him in the eye. It allows you to get out of your own head and connect to your feelings for the other person.
Research shows eye contact increases feelings of connectedness and activates brain regions associated with emotional bonding between people. Looking someone in the eye during difficult conversations helps you connect emotionally rather than just staying stuck in your own head.
3. Don't argue with another person's perceptions
This is a big time waster. If you think something is red and he thinks it's orange, there really is no compromise. Similarly, if he says he is upset, you can't really say he shouldn't feel that way.
So, rather than arguing about who is right or how he should feel, accept that he feels that way and move on to understanding him, his feelings, and perceptions. Accepting his perspective doesn't mean you have to agree with him or give in to his viewpoint — the goal here is to not waste time arguing about something that you don't yet fully understand or won't ever agree on anyway.
4. Focus on trying to understand the other person's view and experience
Rather than trying to make the other person see things your way (and win your point), try to understand why he feels that way or sees things as he does. It's amazing what you can learn when you simply ask someone why he thinks or feels the way he does. After all, the goal of your relationship isn't for you to be right and your partner to be wrong, right?
Research found that perspective-taking during conflict significantly reduces hostility and improves relationship satisfaction between partners. When you make an effort to understand why your partner sees things the way they do, instead of just trying to win the argument, you create space for actual problem-solving.
5. Listen without an agenda
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Although we don't realize it, we often have some kind of agenda in our conversations that we are not conscious of. If we let this agenda drive the conversation, we often end up discounting the other person's perspective and feelings if they are not aligned with ours.
Obviously, if you are arguing over facts, having an agenda (and asserting it) is important. However, when you are trying to connect emotionally, having an agenda will only put more distance between you and him. So, notice when you have a specific agenda and try to refocus your attention solely on what the other person is saying. You can ask questions when he is done, but start by just listening.
Obviously, healthy communication is a two-way street — you can't do this on your own. So, share these tips with the important people in your life, so that you both can learn to talk and listen in healthy ways that enhance understanding and emotional connection. Slowing down to notice your reactions and feelings, asking questions, and leaving any agendas at the door will help immeasurably.
Rebecca Gladding, M.D., is a Clinical Instructor and Attending Psychiatrist at the UCLA Stewart and Lynda Resnick Neuropsychiatric Hospital and the Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior, and is the co-author of You Are Not Your Brain: The 4-Step Solution for Changing Bad Habits, Ending Unhealthy Thinking, and Taking Control of Your Life.
