Kind People Who Lack Friends In Midlife Usually Learned 10 Hard Lessons Pretty Early On
Lopolo | Shutterstock Not only are friendships necessary for good health and well-being, they also guide us through life. And while we'd like to think that we'll have these strong friendships in our lives forever, only around 17% of people manage to keep the same best friend for over 30 years. But when people don't have this support system, it's not because they're bad people. In fact, it might have more to do with how kind and agreeable they are.
Kind people who lack friends in midlife usually learned some hard lessons pretty early on, and that's affected the kinds of people they keep around them at this stage in life. Whether it's the fact that boundaries are necessary or that trust should never be given freely, these individuals have likely come to terms with their empty social life.
Kind people who lack friends in midlife usually learned 10 hard lessons pretty early on
1. Boundaries are a need, not a want
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Most people are terrified of boundaries, whether it's with their friends or partner. Learning to stick up for yourself and say no is a lot easier said than done, and according to a YouGov survey, 48% of people classify themselves as people-pleasers. As a result, they're less likely to assert their boundaries in fear of coming off too strong.
While some may struggle, others rise above these past tendencies. Some people who are kind but lack friends in midlife, one of the hardest lessons they've learned is that boundaries are essential, not just a want.
2. Not everyone who smiles in your face is truly your friend
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Not everyone we meet is trustworthy, and as much as some people love to be free-spirited, they likely learned at some point that friends can sometimes be disguised as enemies. They'll smile to your face, but then be manipulative or cruel behind your back. They simply aren't here for the right reasons.
Self-centered and toxic, these individuals slither into your life to drain your energy. Only thinking about themselves, kind people had to learn ways to protect themselves. So, in midlife, they've kept their guard up and likely have trust issues.
3. It's normal for people to come and go from your life
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In an ideal world, we'd never have to say goodbye to the people we admire or love. We do everything in our power to keep these people around, even if they aren't meant to be in our lives forever. Kind people know this well, and they've learned as they've grown up that this is just a normal part of life. Finding their own path or changing drastically, letting go is difficult but necessary, and it's made them stronger.
As licensed clinical psychologist Dillon Browne pointed out, "Experts have found that when emotional pain prevents you from healing from a situation, it’s a sign that we aren’t moving forward in a growth-oriented way. One of the best ways to heal from hurts is to learn lessons from the situation and use those to focus on growth and forward momentum. If we get stuck in thinking about what 'should have been,' we can become immobilized in painful feelings and memories."
4. Quality matters more than quantity
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When people are younger, it's easy to get caught up in the number of friends they have. They idealize life and are ignorant of how the real world works, chasing numbers rather than connections. But what's most important is quality, not quantity.
It was hard to see their friends disappear throughout life. Thinking that it'd last forever, they learned that not everyone is a part of their journey. Cutting friends loose, they understand in midlife that one good friend is better than 1,000 surface-level ones.
5. Conflict is necessary for growth
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Whether it's petty arguments or intense conversations, the idea of conflict tends to put the best of us on edge. Overthinking and fearing vulnerability, they don't want to get involved in the discomfort. But conflict is truly necessary for growth.
According to experts from the University of Oklahoma, "When managed constructively, conflict can lead to deeper understanding, stronger bonds, and personal growth for all individuals involved." So, kind people don't run away from conflict, because even if it's unpleasant, the results are worth it.
6. You can't pour from an empty cup
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Many people spend way too much time focused on others. Caught up in what others think or need, they drain their energy and have none left for themselves. They want to show up for others, but they can't be their best selves unless they put themselves first sometimes.
Mental health impacts our relationships quite a bit, and when we aren't feeling our best, we have nothing to give. From the number of times we argue to how understanding we become, it's important to set aside time for yourself.
7. Being needed is not the same as being loved
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Everyone wants to feel needed and wanted. It's just human nature. And despite the hyper-individualistic society we live in, belonging is an inherent human trait everyone possesses. It's actually fundamental to human nature, as psychologists point out.
When people feel like they don't belong, they begin to doubt themselves, which can affect the choices they make and their overall well-being. For people who don't have friends at this point in their lives, they realize that being loved is much more important than being needed.
8. Trust is earned, not given freely
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People are quick to give others the benefit of the doubt. Giving excuse after excuse, kind people, especially, have had to learn the hard way that trust shouldn't be given freely. Instead, it should always be earned. They don't want to be distrustful of those around them, and would love nothing more than to put their faith in others.
However, they've been betrayed far too many times, whether it was loved ones or even colleagues at work. They've learned from this, and no longer give out their trust immediately. People need to get to know them first before they can be vulnerable.
9. You'll never be able to make everyone happy
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It isn't easy to shake deep-rooted people-pleasing tendencies. As humans, we want to feel like we belong and like we aren't letting down the people we care about most. But the truth is that, no matter how we act or respond, we won't ever be able to make everyone happy.
Whether it's taking another job offer or moving away, kind people are always going to do something that upsets someone else. There's no avoiding it, so they just live life to the fullest. Over time, they've come to understand that authenticity is the best predictor of happiness.
10. You can't save everyone
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Once upon a time, these kind people, who don't have friends in midlife, used to give everything they had to make someone else's situation better. They pushed themselves to the extreme to save others, friends and acquaintances, after finally realizing that not everyone is going to listen to their advice.
No matter what they do or what they say, people are committed to living life by their own set of rules. So, kind-hearted people have taken a step back. As empathetic as they are, sometimes they have to shut down their own heart to keep their mental health in check.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and trending topics.
