30 Jokes That Only Intellectuals Will Understand

Whether it's about Schrödinger's cat or a Roman walking into a bar, impress everyone with your intellect.

friends laughing at smart people jokes Reddit, krasnata, YakobchukOlena / Getty Images via Canva

There is a special little feeling you get when you understand a really nerdy joke. You obviously feel smart, but it also makes you feel a bit dorky at the same time.

A group of Redditors decided to share their favorite smart people jokes — and we've compiled some of our favorites here.

Music, chemistry, and art — these jokes have it all. Hopefully, you can use one to impress the guests of your next party. So, it's time to test your knowledge.


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30 Best Jokes For Smart People

1. A mathematician and an engineer decided they'd take part in an experiment.

They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.

The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in.

The mathematician said, "Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her."

The engineer replied, "So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes."


2. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek.

Einstein begins to count to 10. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one-meter by one-meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.

Einstein reaches 10, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"

Newton replies, "You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

3. A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food truck and says, 'Make me one with everything."'

The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.

"Where's my change?" the monk asks.


The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

4. A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, 'In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.'

But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

5. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel, and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar.

Heisenberg turns to the others and says, "Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it's funny?"

Godel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke."

Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny, you're just telling it wrong."


6. The Laws of Thermodynamics are simple.

First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win.

Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even.

Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing.

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7. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of 'Being and Nothingness.'

He says to the waitress, "I would like a cup of coffee, please. No cream."

The waitress replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

8. Heisenberg was speeding down the highway.

A cop pulls him over and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?"

Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."


9. A logician's wife is having a baby.

The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.

The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

The logician says, "Yes."

10. A photon is going through airport security.

The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.

The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

11. A Higgs boson walks into a church.

The priest says, "We don't allow Higgs bosons in here."

The Higgs boson replies, "Well, without me, you can't have mass."

12. A programmer's wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen.

The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.

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13. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

14. Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test.

15. Have you heard about that new band called 1023 MB?

They haven't had any gigs yet.

16. It's hard to take kleptomaniacs and puns seriously.

Why? They take things literally.

17. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

18. C, Eb, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

19. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

"You mean a martini?" asks the bartender.

The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it."

20. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, 'Five beers please!'

21. Boy I tell ya, entropy ain't what it used to be.

22. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

23. Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25


24. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A fish.

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25. Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint.

The phone rings and he shouts, "Oh! I forgot to feed the dog."


26. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses here."

Helium doesn't react.

27. Knock knock. Who's there?

Knock knock. Who's there?

Knock knock. Who's there?

Knock knock. Who's there?

Philip Glass.

28. Schrödinger's cat walks into the bar and doesn't.

29. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?

He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

30. What is the difference between an entomologist and an etymologist?

An etymologist knows.

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