How To Tell If Your Husband Is Gay

It does happen, but could it happen to you?

man texting beside a woman astarot / Shutterstock

Far too many women wonder if their husbands are gay without ever talking about it with anyone else, which can feel very isolating.

As bad as it is to acknowledge, I’m very well aware that I live in one of the most open-minded parts of the country, despite how often I still hear homophobic and transphobic comments on a near-daily basis.

As a nonbinary person, I can’t imagine what it must be like to be gay in other parts of the United States. Considering the stories I’ve heard about men being beaten for being gay, I can definitely understand why gay men would want to marry women for appearances’ sake in other regions.


Though I absolutely understand why gay men would marry straight women, I cannot condone it. It’s not fair to the ladies to be unknowingly married to a closeted gay man and left wondering how to tell if someone is gay or if you have a bisexual husband.

If you're worried about marrying a man who isn’t into women, you need to check for signs your husband is gay. If you’re wondering if you’ve somehow ended up as a man’s “beard,” these clues may help you piece things together.


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Here's how to tell if you're husband is gay:

1. He said he was “waiting for marriage”

Only a small percentage of marriages involve two virgins on the wedding night — at least, in the US. Assuming he’s not part of a seriously religious sect, it’s quite possible that he’s lying as a way to avoid having sex with you.

2. Your sex life is virtually nonexistent

Most women who marry gay men find themselves in a lot of trouble when it comes to the bedroom, and it totally makes sense. When you’re married to someone who’s not into your gender, no amount of cajoling or pleading will make them interested. The chemistry isn’t there, and never would be there.

As a result, nothing you could do would make him interested in sleeping with you more than he would have to in order to keep up the image he’s portraying.


3. He seems disinterested in other women, too

Women married to gay men will never catch their spouses watching straight porn because they have no interest in women whatsoever. They also won’t be caught flirting with other women, either.

4. You’ve caught him watching gay porn

Okay, don’t delude yourself. At best, he’s closeted as bi. At worst, it's one of the signs your husband is gay. Either way, you should probably ask questions that should be asked.

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5. He acts more like a female friend rather than your boyfriend

Admittedly, this is a stereotype that may or may not be there. However, I'm going to add it since the one person I do know who had this happen to them mentioned this symptom.


There’s something to be said about the vibes you get, and while they are not always reliable, they often are damned good indicators that something isn’t right. If he acts more like a female friend than he does a boyfriend, he might be gay.

6. There’s a lot of fetishism that seems like a cover-up for being into men

Much like the point before this, having fetishes involving manly women, cross-dressing, or anal penetration doesn’t necessarily mean he’s gay. (In fact, many crossdressers are straight.) However, it should raise an eyebrow if all of his fetishes somehow add to your “manliness” in one way or another.

If you notice a lot of these kinds of fetishes, then you might want to see if you notice any other items on this list before you choose to confront him.

7. He has a certain male friend who seems a bit too close for comfort

Do you ever feel like you’re the third wheel in a relationship with a specific guy? Does he regularly gush about his best friend or spend the night with his friend? If so, it could be that his “friend” is actually a gay lover.


8. He’s extremely homophobic

From personal experience, I can tell you that a lot of men who are secretly gay do everything possible to convince others they’re not gay. This often means they’ll be outwardly homophobic or even bully gay people.

9. You find gay porn on his computer or on his cellphone

This is legit evidence that he’s into guys, and you need to be honest about what this means. At the very least, he’s bisexual. At most, you may be married to a man that is hiding his real sexual orientation.

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10. He’s extremely religious or comes from an exceptionally anti-gay background

Gay men who were born into extreme religious backgrounds or otherwise extremely anti-LGBTQ areas have every reason in the world to want to marry a woman as a way to avoid being outed. Coming out may result in them losing their jobs, families, or in some cases, even their lives.


Though this isn’t always a sign your husband is gay, a background like this would definitely explain why a gay man may end up marrying you.

11. You found him on a gay dating site

This should lead you to ask a number of questions, the most important one being why he’s on a gay dating site if he’s married to a woman. Just saying, this is a sign he’s a cheater and is also lying about his sexuality to you.

12. He doesn’t get jealous, even if you try to make him jealous

A little jealousy is normal and often is a sign that he’s still interested in you. No jealousy whatsoever is a sign that he’s either lost interest or never had the interest, to begin with.


13. He gets super-touchy around other men, perhaps even more so than he gets with you

Does he hold hands with his guy friends, but seems totally lukewarm about hand-holding with you? Does he hug things out with other men? If so, you might have a gay husband.

14. Lastly, you’re a guy who married a guy

Yeah, your husband may be gay if that happened.

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Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.