6 Conversation Skills That Take 5 Minutes To Learn But Impress People For A Lifetime
Andrii Nekrasov | Canva Conversations have never been more important for your emotional and spiritual well-being than now. Think about communication — specifically, conversation — and what lessons you can draw upon to improve your life and those you care about, moving forward. Good conversations can make us feel seen and heard. Whether face-to-face or communicating across thousands of miles, feeling seen and heard can mean everything when conversations are effective. Conversation is intimacy. It differs from debate and dialogue. Many speak to others in debate mode when you argue that your point of view is right and theirs is wrong.
So, you listen to overwhelm the other. Or you have dialogue when you exchange ideas to either sell or persuade someone to accept your proposal, idea, or to reach an amicable solution to a problem. Debate and dialogue are about external factors. Conversation is about internal openness and intimacy to know the other in ways that build the relationship. How do you conduct a conversation to build relationships? Everyone knows how to talk, but do you know how to listen? Specifically, to listen to enhance your relationship, rather than to address a problem or manage a project.
Here are 6 conversation skills that take minutes to learn but impress people for a lifetime:
1. Allowing the time and space for leisurely talk
Vlada Karpovich / Pexels
So much of your life seems to be dictated by a contrived urgency to get things done. Yes, there's a time to focus discussion on making decisions and solving problems with an agreement to action.
But for enjoyable, life-affirming conversation, set aside the time and energy for interaction for its own sake. Perhaps a walk with a friend, a Zoom call to just catch up, or a dinner conversation with the family to enjoy one another. This is not "idle conversation," but active living and loving.
Research from the University of Arizona found that people who have more substantive conversations are happier than those who stick to small talk. When you actually make time for real conversations instead of rushing through surface-level chitchat, you're doing something measurably good for your mental health and the quality of your relationships.
2. Asking questions with curiosity, not judgment
Edmond Dantés / Pexels
Curious listening is intended to understand how the other person feels or thinks. Rather than ask questions to steer the discussion to what you want or feel, focus the question on the other person to learn to understand them better. Or just let them reflect, and you be the empathetic listener.
Studies on empathetic listening found that when you listen with genuine curiosity about how someone feels or thinks, it activates the reward centers in their brain and makes them feel truly heard. This kind of curious listening — where you're actually trying to understand another person's perspective — improves relationship satisfaction and mental health way more than listening just so you can respond with your own opinion.
3. Asking 'What?' rather than 'Why?'
Mike Jones / Pexels
It may be better to ask what the person was thinking or feeling, rather than asking them why they did something. They may not know why they acted a certain way, but if you ask how they were feeling or what they were thinking at the moment, this may enable the other person to open to exploration, rather than try to explain their actions.
Questions almost always trigger defensiveness because people hear them as accusations even when you don't mean it that way, according to research by the Gottman Institute. When you ask what someone was thinking or feeling instead of why they did something, you give them space to explore and explain without immediately putting them on the defensive.
4. Asking open-ended rather than closed-ended questions
Brooke Cagle / Unsplash
Closed-ended questions can be answered with a "yes" or "no" and can hinder the flow of conversation. Open-ended questions that begin with "who," "what," "where," "when," and "how" may prompt the other person to talk. You can listen and respond.
Research on conversation quality shows that open-ended questions keep dialogue flowing naturally and encourage people to share more details, while yes-or-no questions tend to stop conversations dead. When you ask questions starting with what, how, or where instead of ones that can be answered in one word, you create space for people to actually explain their thoughts, and both of you end up more engaged in the conversation.
5. Realizing that conversation extends far beyond words
Ketut Subiyanto / Pexels
If you know something about someone, sending a video or photo related to what you know about them is a way to show you care. You understand it has meaning or relevance. These days, many people are overwhelmed by photos, videos, jokes, and images being sent to them, since they're spending so much time on social media. However, a meaningful message based on your knowledge of the other person is a special way to connect that can cut through the clutter.
6. Prioritizing quality over quantity
Ninthgrid / Unsplash
The level of intimacy can bring so much more happiness than the length or frequency of communication. Consider the joy of a conversation with an old friend about events, people, or dates you each had when young. Even talking about remembrances of their parents who are long gone can bring instant joy and depth to the conversation, since only you and they shared those moments.
Conversation makes you feel more human. In this era of artificial intelligence, when our GPS directs where we go, and devices can answer questions or order deliveries, conversations can reaffirm human connections in ever-more creative and meaningful ways. You can engage in good conversation as a lifelong activity. You can learn, know, and befriend others in mutual satisfaction, which can help you to create happiness for yourself and others.
Jeff Saperstein is an ICF-certified career coach and memoirist who works with business professionals who feel stuck and want a career transition.
