3 Things Good People Do In Conversation That Make Other People Feel Understood
Rido | Canva Are you in a nasty doom-and-gloom conversational loop with your partner? You know the kind where you ask for something, he says he’ll do it, he doesn’t do it right away, and then you keep asking. He calls you a nag, you yell at him, he eventually does it, and you both feel like crap.
Are you ready to change this miserable pattern of communicating? To officially feel calm and confident about your communication skills, what you have to say, and saying it in a way that feels good to you, there are three really easy ways to end the communication doom loop.
Once you learn how to do these things in a conversation, you will notice a dramatic improvement in your relationship. You can use these same skills with kids, coworkers, and even your parents. Here's how to communicate in a way that works for both you and your partner.
Here are 3 things good people do in conversation that make other people feel understood:
1. They know exactly what they want
If you say, “I want you to turn off the television,” but don’t say why, your partner will see it as a controlling move, and then his tendency might be to fight it. If you say, “I’d love for us to spend an hour together most nights after dinner without the TV on,” you are asking for something completely different.
I hear women tell me that they want their partners to help more around the house, to pay attention to them, to listen better, and to respect them. These are fine ideas, but they are vague and may be confusing to your partner.
Get specific, get clear, and know exactly what you want from them. Don’t make a list of 20 things; pick one at a time and be as specific as possible about what you want and why you want it. You won’t always get it, but at least you can be confident in knowing that you were clear about your desires.
Why is this so hard for many of us to do? The most common reason seems to be that we have concluded that it’s selfish to ask for things from others. Actually, based on evidence from the doom loop, it’s the exact opposite.
Research on non-violent communication found that when you make specific and clear requests for what you actually need, you're way more likely to get it because the clearer you are, the better your chances. The problem is that when you make vague requests or just complain without saying exactly what you want, it ends up sounding like a demand, which puts the other person on the defensive instead of making them want to help you out.
Knowing what we want is neither selfish nor spoiled, but rather confident and extremely healthy in relationships. When I talk to men about what bothers them most regarding communication with their partner, the majority of them tell me that they don’t really understand what their partner wants from them. This leads to excessive frustration and distance in the relationship. If you want to be closer, get clear.
2. They know exactly how to ask for what they want
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If you ask for something when you are either feeling sorry for yourself or are angry at your partner, there is no way you are going to ask in a way that leads to results. You’ve got to dig deep, listen to the words you are saying to yourself, change them, and then ask from a healthy place.
If you are saying to yourself, “I never get what I want. It’s always about him, and no one cares about me,” you will be asking with a whiny, pouty voice that may get you what you want, but certainly won’t leave you or him feeling good about you. Is that really what you want?
Research found that when you add too much emotional heat to what you're saying, like anger or guilt, trying to drive home your point, the person listening basically just responds to your emotion and completely misses what you're actually trying to say. Whatever you think you're getting across gets totally drowned out by your delivery, which means saying something calmly and directly is way more effective than trying to use force or anger to convince your partner of anything.
If you are saying to yourself, “I shouldn’t even have to ask for this because he should know what I want. What’s wrong with him? My girlfriend’s husbands would never act like this,” you are guaranteed to ask him with a rude tone that will either annoy him or put him on the defensive, neither of which will lead to the two of you walking away feeling great about each other or your relationship. Asking him from a place of calm will guarantee at least a pleasant conversation, even if the answer is still no.
3. They manage their emotional response
After all of this nice work on your part, he may still say no, and that’s likely to upset you in some way. Feeling that way would be perfectly reasonable, yet if you want to permanently change your pattern of communication, you are going to have to manage your response to his response. If you get aggressive, whiny, pouty, or give him the silent treatment, you have just landed yourself in the place you wanted to get out of.
Your own negative communication patterns, like getting aggressive, giving the silent treatment, or acting pouty, directly cause your own relationship satisfaction to tank over time, not your partner's. Studies show that how you communicate right now predicts how you'll keep communicating in the future, so if you can manage your response and stay calm even when you hear no, you're setting yourself up for way better relationship satisfaction instead of staying stuck in the same destructive pattern that makes you miserable.
Now is not the time to give up. Hold tight to your calm, confident self, take a deep breath, and ask him some well-meaning questions about his response. See if you can get more information from him about why he is saying no. Ask nicely to revisit the topic at another time and do your best to stay civil and connected to him.
If your long-term goal is to improve how the two of you communicate and to feel better about yourself when you do so, stay calm and focused on that goal and not on the moment. Change takes time, so stick with it. Most likely, he will start to make some changes himself and, suddenly, the two of you will be in a much more satisfying relationship.
Lisa Kaplin is a psychologist, certified professional life and executive coach, and a highly experienced corporate speaker. She helps people overcome stress and overwhelm to find joy in their personal lives and success and meaning in their professional lives.
