If You’re A Baby Boomer Parent, These 9 Habits Can Quietly Push Your Adult Children Away
Andrey_Popov | Shutterstock The parent-child bond is a powerful one, but it isn’t invincible. When your child is dependent on you for food and shelter, they don’t have a lot of choice about sticking around. We don’t grow out of wanting our parents’ love and approval, so when your child no longer needs your daily support, chances are high they will embrace a new adult relationship with you.
You can change all that. If you want the texts, phone calls, and visits from your adult child to grow less and less frequent and maybe even stop altogether, just follow these bad habits, and even the most connected child will eventually stay away from their Baby Boomer parents.
If you’re a Baby Boomer parent, these habits can quietly push your adult children away:
Boomer habit 1: Complaining that your adult children never call
You can use this strategy whether they call daily, weekly, monthly, or once a year. It’s not about the frequency per se. No amount of contact will be enough for you. This works for phone calls, texts, and visits.
Combine this with answering the phone like this, “Oh, so you remembered that you have a mother!” or “It’s been so long I assumed you had lost my number.”
Boomer habit 2. Calling them out publicly on social media
If they haven’t unfriended you on social media yet, use that outlet to make snarky comments. When they post a holiday photo, you can write, “Wow, looks beautiful. I guess you have time to go on fancy vacations but not time to visit your parents.”
Boomer habit 3: Rambling on about people they don't know
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Once you have them on the phone, give no thought to what topics of conversation they might find interesting. Tell them all about your friend Susie’s trip to Bermuda.
Expect them to know who you are talking about without any context. Your goal is to keep them guessing whether this is a cousin they are supposed to know or someone they have never met or heard of before.
Boomer habit 4: Treating them like a child
Always act and speak as if they are not competent to take care of themselves. If your daughter yawns during a FaceTime call, make sure to point out that if she regularly went to bed at a reasonable hour, she wouldn’t be so sleepy during the day. Point out the fledgling beard on your son’s face and remind him that employers prefer a clean-shaven man.
Boomer habit 5: Asking intrusive questions
Ask intrusive questions. So are you dating anyone? Is it serious? Where did you meet? You are using birth control, right? I want to be a grandma, but not until you get married, ha ha! When are you going to stop living in sin and get married? When are you going to have kids? Is something wrong with his sperm? You can get that checked out, you know.
Boomer habit 6: Criticizing their appearance
You know the type of criticisms: You would look so beautiful if you just lost a few pounds. I don’t know why you bother going to the gym. With your body type, you’ll never really be able to bulk up.
Why are you letting your hair grow out? You look so much better with short hair. Some people can pull off that kind of dress, but not you. I’m just trying to save you from embarrassment.
Boomer habit 7: Comparing them to your friend’s kids
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Regularly work into conversation how much more attentive your friend’s kids are. Point out how often they visit or call. Sigh deeply and end the conversation with, “I don’t know where I went wrong.”
Boomer habit 8: Giving unsolicited advice
Don’t wait to be asked for help. If you don’t like the style of clothing your child wears, buy them the right clothes, whether they like it or not. If their kitchen is poorly organized, rearrange everything the right way. Don’t ask for permission and don’t stop if they ask you to. Mother always knows best.
Boomer habit 9: Showing up uninvited
Drop by any time if you live nearby, even if they ask you to always call or text first. Parents don’t need permission. If they live far away, don’t ask about when it would be convenient for you to visit; just make plans and tell them when you will arrive. Assume without asking that they are happy to have you stay at their place for any length of time.
If you don’t get the kind of support you are looking for, go to another source. Once you get what you need, throw the comments back at your child to prove that everyone agrees they are in the wrong.
What matters to you most? A healthy adult relationship with your grown child or a relationship completely on your terms, even if that means your child ends up cutting you off. Make your choice and act accordingly.
Mary DeVries is a writer who has lived in four countries, and writes on topics like marriage, parenting, and dealing with aging parents.
