The Art Of Being Self-Assured: 6 Simple Habits Of Naturally Self-Assured People
The secret to calm, grounded confidence comes from everyday routines anyone can learn.
Ahmed | Unsplash Are you a perfectionist and self-critical? Do you find your inner critic saying things to yourself that you wouldn't say to your worst enemy? Do you say "yes" to people when you wish you could say "no"? As little girls, we are often raised with messages to "play it safe." The adults in our lives tell us to "be good." Sometimes we're told to "be quiet," that we "talk too much," or that we are "too much." We, as women, hear and worry about too much-ness throughout our lives.
So, is it any wonder we grow up to be risk-averse, self-critical, people-pleasing perfectionists? Can you relate? Being overly self-critical takes its toll. Maybe it's challenging to be happy with what you see in the mirror, to be satisfied with your hair, weight, or body shape.
And then you feel resentful. Perfectionism, self-criticism, and people-pleasing are signs of insecurity and low self-esteem. They can be detrimental to your love relationships, your career, and your success and happiness in life. The good news is that you can overcome these perfectionistic and self-critical traits by becoming a self-assured person — and here's how.
Here are 6 simple habits of naturally self-assured people:
1. They're self-aware
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Awareness is everything, and just being aware of an issue puts you on the road to addressing it. Self-aware individuals are better at analyzing stressful situations and adapting to challenges. A 2022 study argued that this ability to cope with uncertainty and improvise builds resilience and self-efficacy.
Self-awareness is the foundation of self-assurance because you can't trust yourself if you don't truly know yourself. The most confident people aren't performing a role. They're simply being who they are, fully aware of both their brilliance and their limitations.
2. They pay attention to their self-talk
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When you recognize that you wouldn't talk to your worst enemy this way, think about what you would say. What's true? Instead of telling yourself, you're hopeless, maybe find a positive quality, even if it's merely recognizing that you keep trying, and don't give up.
Research shows that consistent positive self-talk can lower symptoms of anxiety and depression, contributing to a stronger sense of mental health. Encouraging and realistic self-talk can help you bounce back faster from setbacks, making you more resilient in difficult situations.
3. The prioritize people who treat them well
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If you realize that you are keeping company with people who are making negative comments to you all the time or "just joking" a lot, it's time to find new friends. Find kind people who accept themselves and others without judgment and constant criticism or snarky remarks.
Self-in-relation theory suggests that you develop your sense of self in the context of your relationships. When others treat you with respect, kindness, and affirmation, you internalize that treatment as a valid reflection of your own worth.
4. They focus on positive things in their life and world
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What we focus on expands. So, give your attention to some positive things. It will improve your mood and your quality of life. Repeating positive statements can influence brain activity and promote a more positive self-view. One study found that a consistently optimistic outlook helps individuals cope with stress more effectively and build resilience during challenging times.
This isn't naive optimism; it's strategic self-care. By consciously choosing to notice the good, they train their brains to default to hope rather than fear. When people repeatedly view their experiences as successes, self-confidence increases, and focusing on one's successes provides more encouragement and greater confidence than dwelling on failures
5. They're grateful for the little things
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Going a step further, you might want to start a gratitude list. Find things, even small things, to be grateful for. When you appreciate your own life and what you have, you recognize that your journey is unique and valid. An article by the University of Utah concluded that an appreciation for your own accomplishments directly combats the self-doubt that often arises from comparing yourself to others.
Confidence is nurtured in the small, everyday moments of appreciation. The more you focus on what's genuinely good in your life (not what you think should be there), the less power external validation holds over you.
6. They stop sweating the small stuff
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It's not the end of the world if something you're working on doesn't work out. Holding space for imperfection frees us up to do more, try new activities, and risk imperfection or even failure.
Research suggests people who use this style of humor tend to be happier and more self-confident. This is because they aren't suppressing negative events but rather viewing them from a more constructive angle.
Confidence is an attractive quality. Feeling better about yourself will allow you to dream and think about new things you'd like to do. These qualities make you an attractive person, and you will begin to attract more positive people and experiences into your life due to this shift.
You'll be able to seek out new adventures, set new goals, and see yourself as a capable person. Reframing the way we think can empower us and lead to significant change.
If you find it challenging to get started on this path, you may want to seek a therapist or life coach to help you. They can help you practice skills and try out strategies to figure out what works for you.
Paula Kirsch, LMSW, is an AASECT Certified Intimacy Therapist specializing in working with women and couples.
