If You Appear More Relaxed Than Everyone Around You, Chances Are You Do These 6 Things On A Regular Basis
People who appear effortlessly relaxed rely on six simple habit that keep their minds clear.
DjelicS | Canva Are you feeling upset about everything going on in your life, and you just want to know how to be happy and relaxed again? Mindfulness exercises can fix that. Mindfulness is a practice that teaches us how to live and cope with the joys, pains, and suffering we endure. We do not negate anything in life; rather, we non-judgmentally accept what is happening and learn the best ways of coping.
Mindfulness is a word I often use in my writings and in my life coaching sessions with my clients. One of the pioneers in the mindfulness movement, Jon Kabat-Zinn, defines mindfulness as "a means of paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally."
The two phrases in this definition I focus on are "on purpose" and "non-judgmentally.” To find and maintain happiness and inner peace, we need to consciously choose to spend time every day focusing our attention on what is happening around and within us.
If you appear more relaxed than everyone around you, chances are you do these 6 things regularly:
1. Acknowledge that the emotion you are feeling exists
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In an instant, life can become hectic and chaotic. Just when we think we have life all figured out and our path forward appears to be straight, adversity happens.
Being happy is not the only emotion we want to feel. We do not want to ignore or deny any of our feelings and emotions. What we feel is what we feel.
Spend time in quiet simply acknowledging what you are feeling, and sit with that feeling. We do not judge the feeling as either good or bad; we simply acknowledge and name what we are feeling.
Instead of amplifying negative feelings as one might expect, naming an emotion reduces its intensity. Studies show that these people are less likely to resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms when under intense stress, such as binge drinking or lashing out at others.
2. Accept what you are feeling
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We do not beat ourselves up that we are feeling this way, nor do we attempt to change how we are feeling. We accept that what we are feeling is our reality. A phrase that needs to be removed from our mind and speech is "I shouldn't feel this way."
This phrase creates anxiety since we are scolding ourselves for the reality in which we find ourselves. Who are we to say what we should or shouldn't be feeling when the reality is we are feeling it?
Right or wrong is not the issue; what is happening at the moment is what’s important. Accept how you feel in the moment and understand that this feeling is a part of you.
For example, if you were feeling extremely joyful, would you question that you shouldn't be feeling that way? Of course not! So why do we judge any other feeling besides those that we say are positive?
3. Understand that emotions are fleeting
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Emotions come and go — sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, but feelings do not last forever. Therefore, experience your feelings in all of their intensity, recognizing that you will never again feel this same way.
Feelings, in their exactness, cannot be felt again. Sit long enough with your feelings, and you may find that they pass during your sitting.
When I worked with people struggling with cravings while trying to live in recovery, I would ask them to sit and either look at a stopwatch as the time passed, reminding themselves that they are still in recovery.
Or I would refocus their attention on anything other than the craving. As a behaviorist, I understand that most cravings — and even feelings — when not encouraged, only last about 15 or 20 minutes.
Research shows that accepting negative emotions reduces negative moods and depressive symptoms during stressful events. This mindful acceptance of temporary feelings equips individuals with the capacity to cope more effectively.
4. Investigate within yourself where these emotions and feelings originate
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We don't ask "why" we are feeling these emotions, for the answer only leads down the path of judgment. Understanding where the feelings are coming from begins the process of learning what we are to do with the emotions.
It's not a matter of understanding why, but of understanding "what" — the answer enables us to learn and grow, whereas the why simply gives us information which may or may not be helpful to our taking action.
Mindfulness and meditation are not just intellectual acts; they’re a process that enables us to learn about ourselves and how we can act in a way that maintains our inner peace.
We need to learn how to be mindful, regardless of how we are feeling about ourselves and our situations. In fact, I would say that we need mindfulness even more during times of difficulties in our lives.
Western society tends to devalue pain and suffering, leaving us with the false sense that we can avoid all pain and suffering in life. Speaking from my own experience, and I'm sure you can relate, I have yet to find a way of living life that avoids all pain and suffering.
5. Avoid the urge to catastrophize the possible outcomes
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Our mind is an imaginative storyteller, yet these stories tend to make situations worse than reality. It's important for us to keep focused on realistic outcomes for the future rather than imagining outcomes way worse than might be possible.
A technique you can use is to ask yourself the question, "What is the worst that can happen?" Then, ask yourself the question, "If the worst does happen, what can I do about it?"
In this state of focused awareness, we are enabled to see solutions and hope so we can have the happy life we want and deserve. Consider all the possible actions that you, and with the assistance of others, can do to cope with even the worst-case scenario. Understanding that the worst-case scenario is probably not going to happen.
If you have a plan for the worst-case, then when reality happens and it’s not as bad as what you imagined, you will find peace in knowing that you can cope with the situation. Research has argued that mindfulness is a practice that involves focusing on the present moment in a non-judgmental way. By anchoring attention to the here and now, this practice provides distance from hypothetical what-if scenarios.
6. Learn from the situation
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After following steps 1 through 5, you can now step back from the situation and reflect on what you have learned from what has happened. Learn from the actions that you took that worked and learn from the actions that you took that didn't work.
Learning where our emotions originate and how best to cope with those emotions gives us the power to tackle the same situations in similar ways. Future adversity will no longer be a stressor for us since we have learned that we not only can survive the adversity, but also can minimize future adversity.
Practicing mindfulness when upset empowers us to act and to cope with situations that we may feel we are unable to handle. Mindfulness does not take away negativity in our lives; rather, mindfulness teaches us the power that we have within to handle and survive whatever life may throw at us.
Platitudes are not my message. My life has had its share of ups and downs, so I will not trivialize the impact adversity plays on a person's thoughts and feelings. My message relies on my own experience of mindfulness and its ability to lead us to find and live with inner peace, regardless of what life may throw at us.
Christopher Shea is an author, speaker, educator, life coach, and counselor at Lifesjourney Life Coaching, LLC. He has been featured in the New York Times, BBC Worldwide, The Takeaway, Spirit of Recovery, and more.
