8 Things That Run Through Your Head When You Realize Your Kid May Be A Problem
Marian Fil | Shutterstock No matter how much you love your children and do your best to raise them well, they're going to mess up. It's a natural part of growing up. It's also natural to want to defend your child, even when they're the one being a problem.
At some point, you have to face the facts: your kid isn't perfect and they may even be causing problems and getting in trouble. When that happens, you'll probably have a few thoughts run through your head. Your worries are normal, but you should still take your child's behavior seriously.
Things that run through your head when you realize your kid may be a problem
1. 'Is something wrong with my kid?'
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Parents aren't experts. They want to be the best they can be, but that doesn't mean they know what they're doing. Most parents aren't taught the different stages of adolescence. As a result, when their child acts out, they can't help but wonder, "Is this just a phase?"
Parents, don't get discouraged just because a child acts out. As the Child Institute explained, "Tantrums and other kinds of acting out are often a normal and even healthy part of childhood." Even so, just because it's normal doesn't mean it isn't hard. Especially if you're trying to raise good children, getting them to control their behavior takes time and patience. That's why seeking professional help should be an option.
2. 'Have I been missing this behavior all along?'
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Parents do their best to stay hyperaware of their children's lives and surroundings. Especially as the world becomes more unpredictable, staying on top of their behavior feels essential.
However, parents don't have magic powers and they can't monitor their kids 24/7. That's why, when their child's behavior turns problematic, they can't help but wonder if they've been missing the behavior all along. How had they been so blind?
Parents don't want to be labeled as neglectful, and the last thing they want is for their child to suffer or make someone else suffer. Still, even when they do everything they can, sometimes things will go wrong and it's highly likely they didn't miss anything.
3. 'Did I do something wrong?'
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Parents are always trying their best to be the best parent they could possibly be, but no matter how you raise your kids there's someone who thinks you're doing it wrong.
These days, parents are expected to monitor their children like hawks. They are supposed to AirTag their elementary schoolers, mirror their middle schooler's social media on their own phones and track their teens until they're done with grad school. But does any of this helicopter parenting actually help?
When their children act up, parents get discouraged and wonder what they did wrong. Did they gentle-parent too hard? Should they have been more gentle in their parenting? Did they read all the wrong books?
There's nothing wrong with parents wanting to raise good children, but perfection isn't possible. It sucks, but one way or another you're going to fall short. And even if you do everything right, this doesn't guarantee your kids won't still be a problem. Still, if you're wondering, it probably means you're a pretty good parent.
4. 'What if their behavior continues getting worse?'
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Every child acts out sometimes, but there are levels to it. At a certain level of misbehavior, parents can't help but go to extremes and wonder if their kid is going to end up in prison. Sounds silly until you're the parent whose child keeps ending up in the principal's office.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, "Children sometimes argue, are aggressive, or act angry or defiant around adults and peers. A behavior disorder may be diagnosed when these disruptive behaviors are uncommon for the child's age at the time, persist over time, or are severe."
So, if a child is doing something uncommon for their age group, look out. It's usually a sign that they need professional support. By talking to the school counselor and/or taking them to a child psychologist, parents can better understand not just what's behind their behavior, but how they can support them, too.
Intervention can also help show kids that their parents are not going to let the behavior slide, and, ultimately, that they are loved. This alone can go a long way in breaking a streak of misbehavior.
5. 'Will discipline only push my kid further away?'
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Most parents don't want to use the old-school discipline methods, and who can blame them? Sorry, Grandpa and Grandma, but hitting your child has been proven to do significantly more harm than good when it comes to children's behavior and their long-term outcomes.
With that information being widely available now, too many parents swung the other direction, going to extremes and not not disciplining at all. They think they can talk or empathize their way into keeping their kids healthy and happy.
Most parents want to fall somewhere in the middle. They want to raise good kids, but not at the cost of their mental health. So, when their kids start to struggle with behavior issues or have emotional problems, parents wonder how to strike that balance. Will discipline push them away?
Fortunately, there is plenty of research into how to create rules and consequences that help kids feel secure without being so controlling that they rebel and their behavior gets worse. It's called authoritative parenting, and there are plenty of guides on how to best start using it.
6. 'Who can I turn to for help?'
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As much as our society says it cares about kids, parents aren't all that supported when they struggle with children's behavior challenges. Sure, school counselors are incredible resources and total unsung heroes, but that's just one part of the puzzle.
What many parents really need is a solid support system. Especially when their children are acting up, they hate that the only thing they can think of is, "Who can I turn to for help?" Once you're done with your baby group or Mommy and Me, what support exists?
You don't want to feel helpless, but you may seriously feel like you have nobody to turn to. So, if you're feeling this way, please know you aren't alone. Reach out to friends and family, even if it means being vulnerable about your struggles. Make an appointment with your child's school counselor and reach out for family therapy when available.
7. 'Who taught them how to act this way?'
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Most parents are pretty careful around their kids. They don't cuss too much, and they try to set a good example. But even if they try to be the ideal role model, parents can't protect their children from everything. Especially once they go to school and begin acting up, parents scratch their heads and wonder, "Who taught them how to act this way?"
Yes, parents are the strongest influence in their child's life, but they aren't the only ones. Psychology researcher Judith Rich found that a child's peers are more influential than parents during certain stages of life, especially adolescence. So you're right, their misbehavior may be coming from their friends or a peer, but it may also be a result of something else.
Few problems are easy to solve, and pointing your finger at one bad influence friend rarely solves a problem. So look at their social circle as a piece of the puzzle but not the whole picture.
8. 'Why isn't anything getting through to them?'
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Parents could sit there and scream at their kids for 20 minutes straight, take away their screen time and ground them from every party for the next three decades of their lives, but the way a child changes their behavior is rarely solved with just one thing.
I know you're wondering, "Why isn't anything getting through to them?" and while your frustration is valid, how parents communicate with their kids (and gather information to take in that big picture mentioned above) is way more influential.
You can't hit your kids and expect it to work. You can't scream or yell insults and expect respect. You can't take away a teenager's phone and expect them to suddenly become happier and better-behaved. If you really want to correct their behavior, you need to remain calm, focus on positive behavior, set rules together and establish consistent consequences, and target specific behaviors.
This seems like a lot, I know. But there are resources available. If you want somewhere to start, visit the Child Mind Institute, which offers the most comprehensive guide and clinically-sound advice I was able to find online. It is a non-profit organization dedicated to helping parents raise healthier and happier kids, run by physicians and other clinical experts.
Regardless of where you seek advice, hang in there. Childhood and adolescent behavior challenges aren't a sign your kid is a lost cause and your kid will thank you for hanging in there with them once they're past it.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
