Women Who Actually Prefer Criticism To Compliments Usually Have 10 Sad Reasons
syedfahadghazanfar / Shutterstock Some people will find it hard to believe that anyone would want to be criticized instead of receiving a compliment, but it’s actually fairly common. It turns out that what people want most is for their image of themselves to be validated, even if that image is negative.
This can be particularly true for women, who already face so much pressure to look and act a certain way. Sometimes, getting feedback on what she should change from a person whose opinion a woman values feels more powerful than a compliment because it's a way of receiving attention she thinks she can trust more than she would hearing about how great she is.
Some women prefer criticism over compliments for these sad reasons
1. They’re afraid of being lied to
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Sometimes, women don’t know how to accept a compliment because they really don’t think anything good they hear is true. They question the giver’s sincerity, whether there’s a solid reason to do so or their own insecurities are holding them back.
There are plenty of people who make a habit out of lying to benefit themselves, so it’s not unreasonable to think someone might use empty flattery with an ulterior motive. Good judgment is important in these cases, but it’s hard to be discerning when you expect people to act a certain way.
2. They don’t want extra pressure
Some people get a nice mood boost from being complimented, but others feel like an extra weight has been placed on their shoulders. Women who fall into the second category think that praise creates a standard they have to live up to, or even surpass, so they have to work harder now.
The problem with trying to maintain an idealized image or reputation is that it can’t actually be done. These women inevitably feel like they failed, which is likely to make them spiral even further.
3. They’re confused about what humility is
No one likes dealing with someone with a huge ego, which is why most kids are encouraged to be humble instead. Some people take it too far, though, trying so hard not to think too highly of themselves that they end up not really thinking about themselves at all.
This can be especially problematic for women, who are pressured to be humble more often than men are. But humility that’s too extreme could hold them back. This is the kind of thinking that could make them feel better about being criticized, but it’s a really twisted way of thinking.
4. They set unrealistic expectations for themselves
It’s nearly impossible for a perfectionist to accept a compliment and really internalize its meaning. Counselor Leon Garber, LMHC, explained that “most perfectionists struggle to feel optimistic or even have a measured perspective of reality.” That’s not the kind of person who’s going to take something kind another person says at face value.
Women who are perfectionists are stuck in a strange spot because they simultaneously believe they’re far from perfect, but also that they can achieve perfection if they just try harder. They would never be able to take a compliment seriously when they think it will take a superhuman effort to fix their imperfections.
5. They think their worth depends on what others think about them
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Everyone has their own sense of self-worth based on the way they see themselves, but some people get the meaning of their self-worth completely confused. Instead of it just existing, they think they have to earn it by doing more in some way.
As sad as it sounds, a lot of people have a hard time believing that they have a high level of worth. Society constantly pits women against each other and makes it seem like there’s not enough room for everyone, so it’s not surprising that they feel this way. This makes criticism feel safer to them because it’s what they already believe.
6. They're hypercritical of themselves
It seems like being complimented should make someone who’s extremely critical of themselves stop and rethink things, but the opposite usually happens. People who don’t have a lot of confidence feel really uncomfortable with praise because it doesn’t align with who they think they are.
Women can’t just snap out of negative self-talk or have it cured by someone telling them they’re wrong. It’s certainly something that is worth addressing over time with the right support, but it doesn’t happen overnight. Instead of making them feel better, a compliment can make them feel worse in this case.
7. They don’t want to be manipulated
Manipulation can be hard to identify, especially when it sounds like the exact thing you want to hear. Flattery is frequently used as a form of manipulation when someone says something nice that they don’t really mean.
It can be hard to separate the real from the fake, so some women don’t even try. They have such deep concerns about being manipulated that they can’t accept genuine compliments just in case they aren’t authentic. They intentionally refuse to trust anyone who’s kind to them so they don’t have to go through the pain of realizing they were wrong and that the person was just being manipulative.
8. They don’t want to disappoint anyone
A woman who is afraid of letting people down might interpret a compliment as something she has to live up to. It’s like a standard has been set in stone and now she can’t fall short, whereas criticism gives her room to grow.
Someone who feels this way is almost certainly a people-pleaser. These folks do everything they can “in order to gain others’ affection and approval,” psychologist Adam Borland, PsyD, said. Even if that’s the default behavior that makes them feel the most comfortable, it’s bound to turn toxic quickly.
9. They aren’t used to praise
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We’re all very much a product of our upbringing, which means that women who didn’t get a lot of compliments when they were growing up won’t want to hear them as adults either. If their parents tended to be more critical, that’s what they’ll expect from the rest of the world, too.
Parents praising their children has become a controversial topic because some experts think acting like a kid did something great when they really didn’t is sending the wrong message. But if a parent never tells their kids they’re proud, they won’t know how to handle it when other people do.
10. They’re worried that someone who compliments them will realize they’re wrong
Instead of feeling grateful for a compliment, some folks will stress about whether that really was an accurate description of them. And, if they feel like it isn’t, they’ll be stuck with the fear that the other person is going to see who they really are one day and realize the great things they believed weren’t true.
It’s interesting to note that this is really just a form of imposter syndrome, which was originally thought to be a problem that only women faced. Psychologists now understand that anyone can feel this way, but those doubts do seem to be pretty common among women. They might prefer criticism in this case because they won’t have to worry about someone finding out they aren’t who they thought they were.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
