10 Small Things Adults Struggle With If They Grew Up Being Constantly Criticized By Their Parents
New Africa | Shutterstock Small comments and judgments are inevitable, but truly critical parents change their kids' brain chemistry.
According to a study from Binghamton University, how kids process emotional information changes when they don't have truly supportive, intentional parents. Not only do they develop more anxiety and lower self-esteem, but they also manage a million small things that adults really only struggle with if they grew up being constantly criticized by their parents.
Here are 10 small things adults struggle with if they grew up being constantly criticized by their parents
1. Setting realistic expectations
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Many parents who are overly critical of their children aren't inherently malicious. They just want their kids to be the best or to succeed. However, with all that unnecessary pressure comes perfectionism and a constant anxiety for kids that they're never doing enough.
In adulthood, they might come to terms with their childhood trauma, but still find it difficult to set realistic expectations and goals for themselves. Maybe they're overworking and giving too much time to a job. Maybe they're tolerating bad relationships to seek a traditional family structure. They may even be neglecting their own needs in the pursuit of being liked on social media.
2. Overthinking everything
From sending a simple text message to writing an email at work, adult children who spent their lifetimes being judged and criticized for small things at home can't help but overthink. They're used to being yelled at and made to feel small for making mistakes, no matter how harmless, so simple tasks as an adult feel like a nervous system wreck.
While there are so many negative outcomes for kids in these kinds of family dynamics, it's most commonly a chronic sense of anxiety that affects even the smallest daily obligations in adulthood.
3. Accepting compliments
When an adult child has been told their entire lives that they're not good enough, they form a secure inner belief system about themselves that's shaky and insecure. Even when we're holding negative, toxic beliefs about ourselves, all we ever want to be is invalidated for those beliefs internally, even when it comes at our own expense.
So, it's no surprise that when someone offers a compliment to an adult from this kind of family, they struggle to accept it. They may deflect. They may explain it away. Regardless, it's clear they're not used to or comfortable with praise to any extent.
4. Asking for and accepting feedback
Tolerating feedback and taking constructive criticism is difficult for everyone. We're only human, and sometimes, the reality of making a mistake or doing something wrong can attack our ego. However, most people can at least appreciate the learning opportunity, compared to people with critical parents who see these moments as direct attacks.
It's their low self-esteem talking, but it's also a threat to their perfectionism. They have been made to feel like their self-worth is tied up in being the perfect person or employee, and when someone offers feedback, it's a hit against that fragile self-esteem.
5. Trusting people
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Much like other adult children who faced childhood trauma, people with hyper-critical parents are facing the consequences in their own adult relationships. As a study from the Journal of Youth and Adolescence explains, your relationship with your parents and your experience in a home with them shape how you attach and navigate with others in adulthood.
Especially in highly emotional, romantic relationships, people who are used to being criticized for everything may grow less confident in the security of their bonds. The people who were supposed to love them the most were their biggest haters, so they're less likely to trust that someone has their best interests in mind.
6. Enjoying accomplishments
Usually, people with perfectionist habits feel more relief when they finish a big project or accomplish something than excitement and pride. They're glad it's over, so they can stop taking on so much stress and worry.
However, because their self-esteem is rooted in excelling, they almost immediately start something new. They live in this chronic cycle of pressure and burnout that usually only makes their self-worth more fickle over time.
7. Leaning into challenge
Despite discomfort and challenge being our primary drivers of change, according to a Psychological Science study, people with critical parents are used to sticking to what they know. When mistakes are detrimental to peace at home and self-worth, kids in these situations fear making a mistake.
They never truly grow or thrive, because they're avoidant of hard situations and rarely try new things. They don't have hard conversations. They don't experiment to get to know themselves. They deflect when they're called out.
8. Making simple, quick decisions
With a need for constant validation and reassurance, kids who were judged constantly by their parents enter adulthood feeling dependent. Whether it's a new partner or still their parents, they rarely feel confident and secure enough to make their own choices and decisions.
They're afraid of being wrong, but they're even more afraid of being judged by other people for making a mistake. So, instead, they rely on other people to make decisions for them, even if it further isolates them from good connections and places emotional burdens on others.
9. Healthy parenting with their own kids
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Much like how romantic relationships mirror the kinds of behaviors that were modeled by their own parents, adult children of critical parents may end up repeating that cycle with their own kids. They learned that tough love was normal, and that being overly critical was how their parents showed affection, even when it was toxic.
The same kinds of mean and controlling behaviors they experience may be the same ones they now use to cultivate inner comfort in their own families.
10. People-pleasing
When their entire sense of self-worth growing up was rooted in comforting their parents, adult children from these homes become people-pleasers. As a 2023 study explains, they became masters of their environment and learned how to keep their critical parents happy, even when it came at their own expense.
As adults, they use the same kinds of behaviors and toxic coping mechanisms to protect the peace in their relationships and workplaces, further sabotaging their own well-being.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
