11 Ways Emotionally Mature Couples Handle Disagreement Differently Than Everyone Else
Dean Drobot / Shutterstock Did you ever meet a couple that seemed perfect at first glance? They never have an argument. They always have tons to agree upon, and they are in total bliss…until you hear their first argument’s fallout. Then boom, just like that, the illusion of a perfect relationship is shattered.
Every healthy couple argues. The difference between healthy couples and unhealthy ones often lies in how they argue. Ever wonder what makes emotionally mature couples’ squabbles turn into productive conversations? I took a look to see how they argue differently.
Here are 11 ways emotionally mature couples handle disagreement differently than everyone else
1. They know their dealbreakers
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There are certain things in life that cannot be debated or argued away. Many of these are major life decisions, such as whether to marry, have kids, or pursue a certain career. These are known as dealbreakers because they literally offer no way to compromise.
You can’t have half a kid. You can’t compromise on marriage. Emotionally mature people realize this and do not try to compromise. Rather, if they hit a dealbreaker, they walk away.
2. They allow each other to take a time out when they need to
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We’ve all had moments where we knew that continuing a conversation would make us lose our tempers. Emotionally immature people will often keep pressing an issue that causes tempers to flare, even after getting warned by their partners not to do so. This obviously ends with major, explosive blowouts.
Having space is important. If you can take a breather during an argument or allow your partner to take a breather, you’re showing a lot of emotional maturity. More importantly, you’re also giving your relationship a better chance at success.
3. They choose their battles
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True story: I had a date who I broke up with over my taste in bands. I told him I liked a band. His reply was that he hated them, that they sucked, and that he couldn’t understand how I liked them. I told him I’d agree to disagree. He couldn’t handle that, so he kept arguing until I got fed up and walked off the date.
People like my date tend to tie self-worth to being correct, and that’s not a good way to live. Not every fight has to happen, nor is every argument worth a squabble. A smart person will pick their battles carefully and recognize when a hill is not worth dying on. After all, there are plenty of times when it’s better to agree to disagree.
4. They ask for each other's perspectives
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A lot of arguments stop in their tracks the moment that parties actually talk about their particular views on a matter. More often than not, both parties tend to want the same result. It’s just about realizing that there are merit points to both sides, at least in many cases.
Emotionally mature people tend to want to know why someone is arguing on behalf of a certain point. They want to know the reasoning behind it. That’s why they’ll ask for perspective. In many cases, they’ll realize you’re right and concede. Or, if they feel their side is still correct, they’ll address your concerns, too.
5. They don't allow others to come between them
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If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, you already know what a flying monkey situation is. Flying monkeys are the people whom a narcissist pits against you or uses to try to influence you to side with them. It’s a devastating and manipulative thing to do.
Aside from it being a narcissist’s technique, it’s also a telltale sign of a person who is not emotionally mature. An emotionally mature person realizes it’s not a smart thing to try to drag others into their messes. It ends up biting everyone right in the rear end, eventually.
6. They apologizing and accept responsibility for their missteps
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There are few things that are more impressive than seeing someone hold themselves accountable, especially if it’s a difficult admission to make. It’s not just a matter of emotional maturity, either. It’s a matter of character and showing pride in being a better person.
If an emotionally mature person gets into an argument and crosses a line, they will be the ones to apologize, accept responsibility, and try to make things right. This is a great thing for anyone to do on a regular basis. Obviously, it also happens to be a doctor-vetted mark of high emotional intelligence.
7. They frame their issues as 'us versus the problem'
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Here’s a cool psych trick that I picked up along the way. Most emotionally immature people will blame a problem on their partner or subtly say things that feel accusatory. Emotionally intelligent, mature people will make arguments or problems easier to work with by framing them as us versus the problem.
For example, they wouldn’t say that you keep forgetting the bills. Rather, emotionally intelligent people are more likely to say, “How can we remember to pay the bills more effectively? Do you have any ideas that could make bill paying easier?” It’s a small tweak, but it’s effective and turns an argument into a brainstorming session.
8. They are flexible with one another
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Flexibility isn’t just for gymnasts! Emotionally mature people are more likely to be willing to go with the flow on most things in life. Most emotionally mature people realize that a “my way or the highway” attitude will cause bigger problems down the road, up to a point.
In other words, they are not only open to negotiation but big fans of it. If you meet a mature person halfway, they will make sure you walk away with something you like too. Rigid demands, on the other hand, will often get them to shut down.
9. They avoid toxic argument behaviors
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In order to have a productive argument, both parties have to have a certain level of emotional maturity. Emotionally mature people can spot toxic arguers a mile away. Toxic argument behaviors such as stonewalling, contemptuous remarks, gish-galloping, talking over you, verbal abuse, threats, or physical abuse can ruin a relationship almost instantly.
While emotionally mature people are caring and open to negotiation, they are not ones to be pushed around. If they notice toxic behaviors, they won’t argue anymore. They will just leave. Why? It’s because they recognize that arguing with you won’t come out well.
10. They actually listen to one another
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Most of us have experienced an argument where the person you squabbled with didn’t actually listen to you. Rather than try to talk to you about valid points, they tend to talk at you about what they want. It’s quite dehumanizing, and it’s also a sign that you’re not with a good person.
Emotional maturity requires listening, even when you might just want to keep shouting at them. Listening is the cornerstone of reaching an agreement that doesn’t end in serious problems.
11. They confront problems before they get too big
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Finally, let’s talk about a growing problem in today’s society. Most people are conflict-averse, even when they should speak up. This leads people to stay quiet, smile, and not say a word until they finally explode in anger. This often leaves the other partner blindsided, especially if they end a relationship over the argument.
Confronting problems before they become too big is a must for any healthy relationship. Is it easy? Not always. In fact, it can be awfully awkward to do. But it’s better than letting resentment simmer until it boils over.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
