3 Brain-Based Insights Most People Don’t Realize Shape Their Relationships In A Huge Way
LightField Studios | Shutterstock Research at the intersection of neurobiology and psychology has explored the brain-based insights that most people don’t realize shape their relationships in a massive way. These studies have helped explain the connection between how our brain and nervous system work with our emotional world. Out of the vast amount of information, there are key insights couples can learn from relationship researchers to teach us about the science of connection, who we choose to partner with, and why we do the things we do when it comes to love.
Here are 3 brain-based insights most people don’t realize shape their relationships in a huge way:
1. Our brains are wired for survival
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Our brain is designed for survival. But we usually think of survival in terms of being physically attacked or hurt. We now know that feeling connected to the people we love is as important as physical survival. When we need our partner and they don't respond to us, or when our partner threatens to break up, our brain reacts as if we are in danger and therefore operates in emergency mode.
To create emotional safety, studies in the neurobiology of attachment have suggested not to threaten your relationship even when you are angry or fighting. For a great relationship, you need to give your partner the feeling that you are there for them no matter what.
2. Our partner's emotional state affects us, and vice-versa
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Have you noticed that when your partner feels anxious or stressed, you will feel it too? And when they are happy, some of that rubs off on you also. Research explained how there's a system in our brains called mirror neurons, which is designed to create empathy — meaning to feel what other people are feeling, and especially the ones that are close to us.
This means it's in your best interest to know how to calm your partner down or cheer them up. Yes, it's their responsibility first, but since their emotional state affects you so much, it's useful for you to have some tricks in your bag to make them feel happy or get them out of distress.
3. Our body language often speaks louder than actual words
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Have you ever had this experience — your partner says to you, "What's going on with you? Why are you like that?" And you think to yourself, "What? I didn’t do anything". The automatic, emotional side of our brain is constantly checking our partner for signs of safety and connection. The key to understanding that is to know it's not what they say. A study explained how non-verbal communication really affects us. It's enough to see something on our partner’s face, the look in their eyes, or the tone of their voice to make us feel cared for or set us off.
Here's one tip: When you're having important conversations, make sure to maintain enough eye contact with each other. It helps to break the trance of your thoughts, and it also gives your partner the message that you're present with them.
Brain research has brought us closer to having a map for successful relationships. Among others, it can help us understand the hidden causes of our love (speaking your partner's love language) as well as our fights.
Gal Szekely, MFT, is a marriage and couples therapist, as well as the founder of The Couples Center, with therapists who specialize in helping couples navigate challenges and rebuild relationships.
