The 8 Daily Choices That Separate Couples Who Drift Apart From Those Who Don’t
Jonathan Cooper | Unsplash “If you want a relationship that looks and feels like the most amazing thing on earth, you need to treat it like it’s the most amazing thing on earth.”
At the start of every relationship, it’s always roses and butterflies … until the honeymoon phase ends. Rather than treating the end of the honeymoon phase like the end of the relationship, we must treat it like a fresh new beginning of a more mature part of our relationship, and continue falling in love every day by making a few choices that separate couples who drift apart from those who don't.
We must never forget that a healthy relationship requires an emotional connection, and falling in love many times, always with the same person. It is important that we don’t get complacent in our relationship and love life, and that we innovate and try new things.
Here are the 8 daily choices that separate couples who drift apart from those who don’t:
1. Speak freely and listen to understand
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We must be open with our partners without having the fear that they will judge us. We must have that comfort level with them to make it work. It is also important that your partner sees where you are coming from and actually makes an effort to put your worries to rest.
A study found that the secret sauce of real intimacy comes down to one partner opening up honestly and the other actually responding with care instead of criticism. When both people feel safe enough to share what's really going on without bracing for a lecture, that's when couples stop just coexisting and start truly connecting.
2. Protect your time together
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We all have very busy lives, but we should make an attempt to try to make some time for each other every day. As frequently as possible, we should sit and talk with our partners about our day, what we did, what is new, and basically whatever is important to us. Communication is the key to any relationship, and without it, your relationship is bound to fail.
Couples therapist Reta Faye Walker advises that real connection doesn't require a grand plan, just genuine curiosity. "Take a chance and share, ask them questions, wait around for answers, ask questions about their answers, and follow up; it shows you care. There may be nothing more tender and energizing to your love life than your genuine interest."
3. Have regularly-scheduled date nights
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Date nights are very rampant during the honeymoon phase of a relationship. However, they shouldn’t end there. We get so busy in our day-to-day lives that we forget to break out of our routines and spend some time with just our significant other. We put so much focus on spending time with family, friends, and children that we forget to spend time with our partners.
A report from the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia found that those who went on date nights once or twice a month were 14-15% more likely to say they were "very happy" in their marriages. They also reported better communication and stronger commitment than couples who let date nights fall off the radar.
4. Keep each other guessing (in a good way)
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Who doesn’t like surprises? Surprises keep the spark alive in your relationship and keep your partner on their toes. By no means am I proposing that we should surprise our partners all the time, but once in a while, it’s nice to take a step back and do something unexpected to bring a smile to your partner’s face.
Surprises don't need to be elaborate to reignite excitement. Marriage and family therapist Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin explains that, "It could be something as simple as surprising them at work for a cup of coffee that can create the thrill that once swept you off your feet."
5. Leave space for a life beyond your job
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We are all career-oriented people, and for the majority of us, work is a major part of our life. However, it is very crucial that we maintain a balance between our work and personal lives. We should not let our relationships suffer because of work-related obligations.
A study following newlywed couples over four years found that when one partner consistently took on heavy workloads, the other partner's satisfaction with the marriage slowly dropped over time. The researchers call it the "crossover effect" and it's sneaky because neither person usually sees it happening until the emotional distance has already set in.
6. Take the time to reflect
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We need to spend time reflecting on ourselves and our relationships. The frequency of reflection depends on each person, but we should spend time reflecting with our partners. We need to discuss pros and cons of our relationships in order to become better versions of ourselves for each other and make our relationships thrive.
Licensed marriage and family therapist William Meleney writes that self-awareness is one of the three essential pillars of relational wellness, explaining that "a couple who takes a few minutes throughout their day to check in with themselves and their partner, create daily relational intention, and speak and act congruently with that intention is wrapping their relationship in love and regard."
7. Set the gadgets aside
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In today’s world of technology, gadgets are as important to us as oxygen. However, we need to realize that although we need them to gain information, we don’t need them to survive.
We can just as well keep them away for a few hours and be totally fine. It is so important to put our phones, laptops, or any other gadgets away and focus completely on the time we’re spending with our one, true love. This will reduce the “you never told me this” and just solidify the foundation of your relationship.
Ignoring your partner to scroll your phone chips away at intimacy, emotional closeness, and relationship satisfaction over time, a 2025 study found. Even when both partners are equally guilty of doing it, the negative effects don't cancel out. Both people still end up feeling less loved.
8. Invest in shared experiences
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We have a life outside of our partners, and for the most part, that is great. However, we should do things together with our partners to increase the bond we have with them. These activities could be anything from finding a new hobby together to going on an adventure.
That little time will be just for the two of you, and you both can enjoy doing whatever you like while spending quality time with each other. Anything adventurous will increase a chemical in your brain called oxytocin, which is also known as the “pleasure hormone” in your body.
This release of oxytocin will give you the perception of falling more in love with your partner. Thus, no matter what you are capable of doing as a couple, you must take up an activity together that you can call your own.
It is crucial not to let stagnancy build up in your relationship. Complacency will act like a slow poison in your love life and cause relationship problems, so both partners need to try to put effort into the relationship in order to spice things up. Relationships are never easy, but we need to find ways to make the most of them. Always remember, all relationships have problems, but only the real ones get through them.
Tanzeela Sareea is an entrepreneur and hobbyist writer who focuses on topics of travel, relationships, and psychology.
