Couples Who Don’t Need A Therapist For Every Argument Usually Know These 4 Things
PeopleImages | Shutterstock As a psychotherapist, I see many couples who are struggling with their marriage, but not every setback or challenge requires outside help. Couples who don't need a therapist every time they argue know they won't fix anything by adding more stress.
However, when you are constantly arguing in your marriage, you are usually in a place of desperation and may not be thinking clearly. You need to know what will bring you together more to help secure the future.
I see many couples who are struggling with their marriage. When I ask them how long the struggle has been going on, the answer is usually several years. When I continue to ask them how they have tried to fix it on their own, 80 percent of the time, having a baby, building or buying a new house, and/or having plastic surgery are typical answers. Just looking at the possible fixes they have used makes me stressed out when they could have done the following instead.
Couples who don’t need a therapist for every argument usually know these 4 things:
1. They have to sit down and admit there is a problem
Identifying the issues together will help you both know where the weaknesses are, so you can better focus on solutions. These conversations are challenging for both partners, so be aware of not creating another argument.
"Be empathetic, genuine, and curious in these early conversations to fully understand your significant other and their objections," relationship coach Reta Faye Walker suggested. "Being in a hurry to secure an agreement isn’t helpful, so slow down and ask questions that flesh out the roots of the issue. Your desire to understand them is more valuable to the relationship than achieving a personal win."
2. Avoid words like never, always, should, can't, and won't
simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock
As Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. explained, using extremes like "always" and "never" typically only makes conflict worse because it puts people on the defensive. Instead of thinking in absolutes, begin thinking more of the present. What can you do today that will make it better?
"Get curious, be inquisitive, be interested in what the other person wants to express. If you drop your agenda, you will not be defending yourself, proving your partner is inaccurate, or reacting to what they are saying," marriage and intimacy therapist Todd Creager wrote. "You are now truly receptive to what your partner or the other person truly is experiencing and wants to convey to you."
Couples who begin to think about forever become more stressed. Marriage is a lifestyle, but its strength is in its ability to grow and change with both partners.
3. The importance of regular touch
The more you touch your partner, the less you talk, and the more you listen, the stronger the marriage. As counselors Linda and Charlie Bloom explained, "Well-timed physical touching in the form of taking our partner’s hands, giving a hug, or putting our arm around them can reduce tension and open up a channel for deeper communication."
A good rule is to say one sentence to your spouse's three sentences. Practice, Practice, Practice.
4. When to seek a good counselor or mediator
Artem Bruk via Shutterstock
According to relationship and marriage expert Dr. John Gottman, couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help. This is often too long, and as Dr. Gottman explained, is more like "divorce counseling because they’ve already thrown in the towel." Not every argument requires counseling, "but you are wise to invest the time to find out if your marriage can be improved,” according to Dr. Gottman.
It is wise to tell the therapist or mediator up-front you have marital discord and need mentoring to resolve the issues. This way, the therapist or mediator can understand exactly what you want. When everyone is focused on helping you resolve the issues, the chances of success are high.
Many of the couples I work with did not have good mentors to resolve marital discord. Therefore, they panicked when they didn't get along. Their mentors (many times their parents) used the "fixes" discussed in this article only to divorce later. There are other options. Having a baby or a new home can be wonderful events, but not if you end up losing the person you want to share them with the most.
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a psychotherapist, author, speaker, and intimacy counselor.
