11 Signs You’re With Someone Who Loves The Idea Of You More Than The Real You
Rainer Plendl / Shutterstock When someone shows romantic interest in us, it can sweep us off our feet. We may find comfort in the love and affection they give us. We often want to see the best in others and may avoid red flags.
Some people do not have our best interests at heart. They may not truly love us for who we are. It can be hard to reach this conclusion, but there will be signs that show their true intentions. Instead of loving us conditionally, they prefer the idea of who we are. They do not care about finding love with the person, but rather who they think the person is. It can be hard to tell someone’s real intentions, but you will notice if you look out for these certain signs.
These are 11 signs you’re with someone who loves the idea of you more than the real you
1. They place you on a pedestal
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If someone loves the idea of you more than the real you, they may place you on a pedestal. It may feel like they are treating you like gold. They clearly love you, or they wouldn’t treat you so well. However, this can be a bad thing. They are idealizing you rather than providing you with true love.
Idealizing someone like this can quickly turn into devaluation. They picture you as perfect, and the second you show real emotion, they may be turned off. It can seem kind at first, but it’s a sign they love the idea of you, not the real you.
2. They struggle to actively listen
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Have you ever tried to reveal parts of yourself to someone and felt like talking to a brick wall? They were not actively listening to you. Instead, they were watching you because they idealize you rather than connecting with you on a deeper level. You may try to tell them important things about yourself, but they are not fully paying attention. Instead, they’re in their own heads.
Often, people are not listening; they are just waiting for their chance to talk. If someone loves the idea of you more than the real you, they may not listen well. They’re likely focused on their own thoughts of you rather than getting to know who you are.
3. They fall in love quickly
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When someone loves the idea of you, they may fall in love fast. They see what they want in you and are blinded by it. They don’t care about getting to know you, because they have already decided who you are in their mind. This type of person is easily swept off their feet. They don’t need to get to know someone to fall in love.
Someone who falls in love quickly has a hard time staying single. When they see someone whom they love the idea of, they will jump into a relationship with them. Rather than getting to know them in depth, they are happy to come to their own conclusions. They’re not interested in the real you.
4. They expect you to be perfect
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If someone loves the idea of you more than the real you, they may expect you to be perfect. In their mind, you are. If you show any real emotion, it may scare them off. They’ve decided that you act a certain way. Any behavior that puts it into question can change their opinion of you.
Expecting perfection out of someone is not fair to either party. When this person learns that you are a real human with emotions and thoughts that may go against theirs, it can cause problems. This is a sign that they love you for how they see you, not who you really are.
5. They see your potential
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It’s great when a partner sees your potential. If they want to help you work towards it, you can have a positive and healthy relationship. However, in a situation where someone likes you for who they think you are, they see your potential as something they can shape. They do not want to help you grow. Rather, they want to form you into the person they see you as. It’s not as caring as it may seem.
It can be heartbreaking to learn that someone viewed your potential as a way to change you. It’s a sign that they never loved you for who you were, but rather for who they thought you could be.
6. They want to improve you
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Finding a partner who wants to help you grow as an individual can be special. You can both set goals and work together to achieve them. It can bring people together. In some circumstances, it can be a sign that they love the idea of you more than they love the real you. They see you as someone they can mold into who they want you to be.
We’ve likely all had a relationship like this. Someone may be drawn to us because they think they can turn you into their ideal partner. They may say they are trying to help you improve, but it’s clear they want you to be a certain way for them. This is a sign of manipulation.
7. They do not get to know you on a deep level
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If you are in love with someone, you likely allow yourself to be vulnerable with them. You feel comfortable sharing your inner soul with them. If you want them to get to know you on a deep level, you’ll be unafraid to open up about anything. However, if someone only cares about the idea of you, they won’t bother to get to know you. They see you a certain way in their head, and that’s how they intend to picture you.
Some people may struggle with vulnerability. Instead of allowing themselves to open up and get to know you deeply, they may have no trouble seeing you from a surface level. They care more about having a relationship with who they think you are, not who you actually are.
8. They compare you to others
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Have you had a partner who kept comparing you to other people? They wanted you to look or act like someone else. It could have been someone you knew, or a celebrity. Whoever the person was, it hurts to be told to change rather than to embrace who you are. By comparing you to others, it’s clear that the person you are dating doesn’t care about the real you. They are looking to mold you into their perfect partner.
Comparison, no matter what the intention, can be painful. It can make us feel like we are not good enough as we are, or that our partner is seeking someone else. When someone treats you this way, they do not love the real you; they love the person they think you should be.
9. They feel discouraged after a conflict
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When someone loves you for the idea of you, they may be turned off the second you show any sort of genuine emotion. They aren’t interested in having conflict with you. It can be off-putting to argue. They see you as one way, and acting any differently can change their view of you. However, arguments occur in relationships no matter how hard we try to avoid them. If the person flees after experiencing conflict with you, it’s clear their love was superficial, not genuine.
A person like this may be conflict-averse. Instead of embracing relationship struggles and working to fix them, they become defensive and upset. They’d prefer the idea of you, not the person who feels genuine emotions.
10. They want you to impress them
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It’s not real love if someone expects you to impress them. They may not see you for who you really are, but rather who they want you to be. They’re likely to be happiest with you when you are doing something good. It could be achieving something at work or doing a task they want you to accomplish. Whatever it may be, it can feel superficial. They care less about who you are and more about what you can achieve for them.
Of course, most of us want to be with someone who works hard to impress us. It can be a special feeling to watch your partner meet their goals. However, if a person is only happy with you when you are performing at your best, it’s clear they love the idea of you, not the true you.
11. They ignore your interests
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In a happy and healthy relationship, each partner should get to know the other's interests. It doesn’t mean that they have to take on their hobbies. They should show genuine interest in what they enjoy doing and try to bond with them over it when they can. If someone isn’t interested in getting to know your interests but forces theirs on you, they may be in it for the wrong reasons. It could be that they want to shape you into their ideal partner.
Shared interests are important. They can help you grow closer to your partner. However, it’s not genuine if one person controls what both do. If someone isn’t giving your interests a chance, they likely love you for the idea of you, not who you actually are.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
