If A Man Is Unbearably Lonely, He’ll Often Develop These 11 Obvious Habits
Jasen Wright / Shutterstock The romantic and platonic love we cultivate throughout our lives can solve many problems and bring us contentment. Even men who may seem self-sufficient enough to survive without friendships need them desperately. According to data from the Survey Center on American Life, 15% of men in the US reported having no close friends in 2021, compared to 3% in 1990. Men reporting 10 or more close friends decreased from 33% to 13% during the same period.
When a man is unbearably lonely, he'll often develop some obvious habits as coping mechanisms. These men may be good at convincing themselves that they're completely fine on their own. They wake up and go about their day, getting their tasks done and even being productive. But at the end of the day, the absence of connections shows up in a variety of ways.
If a man is unbearably lonely, he’ll often develop these 11 obvious habits
1. He becomes extremely self-reliant
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An unbearably lonely man ends up being the one who solves all his problems on his own. His emotional struggles and mundane life challenges get compartmentalized, without anyone to bounce his thoughts off of. He ends up existing in an isolated chamber, where he no longer feels the need to depend on others.
"What might look like resilience from the outside may actually be a survival strategy with hidden costs. Additionally, when we overvalue and abuse our personal resource of independence, we underuse the renewable and shared resource of connection in our lives, slowly but surely inching towards an inevitable burnout," explained psychologist Mark Travers.
At first, it can probably feel empowering for him because he doesn't have to wait for opinions or explain his choices. Everything can move at his pace and on his terms. But over time, that level of self-reliance becomes his only option rather than a choice. We're not exactly built to handle challenges all on our own. We need people by our side to help us weather the storms.
2. He bottles up his emotions
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The absence of trusted people in his life means he doesn't really have anyone to talk things through with. Instead, he might end up suppressing his emotions rather than being able to process them in conversations with friends. It just feels easier for him to put it all aside and keep moving. He might even tell himself that he'll deal with these feelings later, but that rarely happens.
"Holding in emotions is like living in a pressure cooker. Eventually, the emotional pressure builds, and you either blow up — do what you fear — or act out... At the time, you believe you deserve to do what you’re doing, but invariably, you feel shell-shocked by what you’ve done, which pushes you to go back and internalize — rinse and repeat," said clinical therapist Bob Taibbi, L.C.S.W.
Also, bottled-up emotions never stay bottled up for long. Suppressed feelings have a way of resurfacing if they aren't properly addressed. Suddenly, he's lashing out at the tiniest things and feeling heavy in a way that might be hard to explain. That's usually bottled-up feelings making their presence known.
3. He invests all of his time into work
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A man who is unbearably lonely may find he has too much free time and decide to pour himself into his work and professional goals. While there's nothing wrong with ambition and wanting to succeed in your professional life, sometimes it's used as a crutch in the absence of a genuine connection. Staying busy might feel a lot safer than actually confronting the reality that you might be lonely.
"Instead of defining ourselves solely by our professions, we should consider our passions, values, and interests — the aspects that truly light us up. This 'little P purpose' focuses on process-oriented activities that bring joy and fulfillment, regardless of monetary gain," insisted personal coach Jordan Grumet, M.D.
Work fills all his time, and his identity slowly becomes what he does rather than who he is. He starts using the fact that he might be successful as proof that he's doing great in life. A promotion might feel good, but when there are no friends to celebrate with, it can feel empty. When a stressful week at work ends, there's no one to text to go out and decompress with, which can be hard to come to terms with.
4. He develops rigid routines
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If a man is unbearably lonely, he might create rigid routines to provide a bit of structure in his life. These routines can often feel quite comforting, but they don't offer a chance to experience anything new, and therefore, he isn't being put in a position to grow at all. Even when his social life is nonexistent, routines give him a sense of control as well.
"There’s a right and wrong way, and if you do the right way, there are no problems. Rigidity helps bind anxiety; there’s no need to obsess about possible problems if you know how things should be done or handled and you do them that way," said clinical therapist Bob Taibbi, L.C.S.W.
He knows what his days are going to look like and where he'll be at every hour. But with that spontaneity, life can simply feel quite boring. Friends are often the best people to make plans with and experience little side-quests with. Sure, you can do these things on your own, but you're probably not as willing to without the company of friends and these platonic connections.
5. He stops celebrating small wins
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When something good happens, he might acknowledge it briefly, but he rarely shares it with others because there's no one that he regularly updates. Eventually, the accomplishments he earns start to feel unimportant. It feels meaningless when there's no one there to offer him any kind of support or kind words. He might even tell himself that it's enough to know he did well himself.
In some ways, being able to validate his own success can be a good thing. But the lack of friendships and the inability to celebrate with your closest buddies can rob him of the emotional closeness that comes with inviting people into your success. He might have his family, but it doesn't feel the same as celebrating with friends.
6. He rarely asks for advice
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Even when he's unsure about something, his immediate instinct might be to turn to Google rather than call someone. It could be something as simple as needing advice on what to have for dinner or something bigger, like needing advice on whether he should make a big career change. It's not that the advice he's getting from articles rather than from friends is useless.
But there's something a lot more personal about hearing someone's thoughts on the matter, especially when that person is someone he trusts wholeheartedly. Without close friends to go to for advice, it becomes harder to even ask for that advice in the first place. When he's so accustomed to figuring things out on his own, it feels like extra effort to follow up with a real person.
7. He spends a lot of time at home
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When a man is unbearably lonely, it can become quite easy for him to spend all of his free time at home. Without plans being made and friends to hang out with, staying home feels like the easiest option. It might not feel like a big deal, considering how comfortable it can be to be at home. Everything is familiar, and there's no pressure to interact socially. He's able to relax fully. But staying at home all the time can become draining.
Days can quickly start blending together, and even on weekends when he doesn't have work, it can feel similar to weekdays because he hasn't made any plans with people to leave his house. That sameness can make life feel boring. Sure, he can make plans to spend by himself, but there's something refreshing about knowing you have a planned hangout with friends at the end of the week. It helps get through those tough moments.
8. He rarely laughs out loud
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Without noone close to you, laughter can be a little different in his day-to-day life. He might still find things funny but there's no one to share that moment with. Laughter is usually amplified when we're spending time with friends. When you're with someone who gets your sense of humor and even helps build on the joke, the laughter from that can feel special.
We all have that one friend with whom we can just laugh and laugh until the sun goes down and comes right back up again. But when there's absolutely no one with whom you can joke around, you don't get to experience the belly laughing until everything hurts and you can't catch your breath. When laughter happens less often, he's not able to feel the pinnacle of joy that comes with laughing around the table with your friends.
9. He doesn't try new social spots
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Trying new spots around town can honestly feel hard without friends to invite along. There might be a new bakery that opened down the street from his house or a new exhibition at a museum that he's been dying to see. While there's no problem with doing these things alone, it can also feel way more enjoyable when you have friends who are willing to join you on the things that spark your interest.
When you have friends, they encourage you to explore and will even show up with you. But without the push and excitement, it's easy to just stay at the spots that he's familiar with or just stay home altogether. The energy of stepping into something new can feel overwhelming alone compared to going with one or two people.
10. He downplays the importance of friendships
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It might be easy for him to convince himself that friendships are not necessary at all. Without close friendships of his own, it might be hard for him to acknowledge that discomfort. So, he defaults to just hating on friendships in general. Rationalizing friendships in this way may feel good. He's denouncing bonds, but at the same time, he is doing himself a disservice in the long run because he does need them.
"Friendships are a crucial part of living a fulfilling life. It’s so important that we surround ourselves with people who we have fun with, who support us, and people who make us better. You may already have beautiful friendships in your life, but if you’re still in the market for friends, it’s never too late to cultivate new relationships that will make your life even more magnificent," encouraged happiness expert Robert Puff, Ph.D.
He thinks that if he believes something isn't important, it means he doesn't have to actively pursue it. And if he isn't pursuing it, it becomes less likely for it to naturally show up. From the outside looking in, he might appear content with being just by himself, but in reality, he's most likely scared of how to even approach making friends. It can be hard to build friendships with people as an adult, but not putting yourself out there means you're missing out on the best connections you'll ever have with people.
11. He turns to digital escapes
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He may spend most of his time at home playing video games, scrolling through social media, and consuming all kinds of online content to fill the void left by a lack of close friendships. Relying on technology and media can feel comforting because it's always there and available. If he feels bored or restless, he can simply turn on his TV or open up his phone.
"Digital overload is unceasingly activating our fear response, preventing times of necessary emotional calm," insisted stress management expert Alane K. Daugherty, Ph.D. "Creating our own calm is essential to counteract digital overload and balance our emotional and mental health."
Within seconds, he's able to engage with content that cures that boredom. In theory, of course. But social media, in particular, is not the best place to form connections. It might feel like he's engaging with people and participating in community, but it's a false sense of community. It's happening behind a screen, and there's no way to feel close to someone when you're not actually spending time with them.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
