11 Phrases Emotional Manipulators Use On A Regular Basis
Dodokat / Shutterstock By the time you’re an adult, chances are high that you’ve dealt with a person who was a master manipulator. Whether it was a classmate, a work colleague, or a love interest doesn’t matter. You’ve probably seen them twirl people around their little fingers, all while leaving a trail of destruction in their wake.
If you’ve been played like a fiddle by the wrong person, you probably are on the lookout for signs that the next person you meet could be the same way. These phrases are instant tip-offs that you might be dealing with a manipulator.
These are 11 phrases emotional manipulators use on a regular basis
1. 'Oh, now it’s my fault. I’m awful, I’m evil, I’m so horrible…'
Nenad Cavoski / Shutterstock
If you’ve ever had a manipulator or a narcissist flip out on you after you broach a subject, chances are high that you’ve been the one to apologize to them. They overkill on the guilt trip, making you feel like you’re a jerk for saying all that stuff. Next thing you know, you’re apologizing to them, and they’ve derailed the conversation altogether.
This technique, particularly of putting words in your mouth, is known as DARVO. DARVO stands for “Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender,” and it’s how manipulators (especially narcissists) get you to stop approaching them over real issues. It’s a major tool when it comes to silencing victims. If you hear this type of speech, run. Don’t bother offering an explanation. Just leave. It will only get worse.
2. 'She’s hypersensitive. What a crybaby'
Studio Romantic / Shutterstock
Be very, very careful about anyone who tries to make sensitivity a sign of weakness. People who regularly talk about how sensitive other people are are often bullies who don’t want the label they’ve earned.
Calling someone sensitive is a good way to make it seem like they’re the problem. This manipulative phrase signals that the manipulator doesn’t want to be held accountable for their heinous actions.
3. 'That’s not my responsibility'
Drazen Zigic / Shutterstock
So, this phrase can go either way. It could actually mean that the person isn’t in charge of something, especially at work. However, I’ve personally seen this phrase used after dealing with someone who dangled a proverbial carrot in front of me.
He kept suggesting that he would give me a certain present if I did certain things. I jumped through all the hoops, only to hear him say that it “wasn’t his job” to get me what I wanted. He then made it seem like I was asking for too much, despite the present in question being free.
4. 'That didn’t happen'
Mladen Mitrinovic / Shutterstock
As a person who dealt with a lot of narcissists, I’ve noticed how adept manipulators tend to be at rewriting history. For example, let’s say that you argued with your manipulator over something. We’ll call him Paul for the sake of the article. Paul tells you that he was already trying to cheat on you because he never saw a future with you in the first place.
You burst into tears and leave. The day of, he calls you and apologizes profusely. The day after, he’s still apologizing. Within one week, you bring it up, and he tells you that he “never said that.” You feel crazy, right? That’s why people like Paul do it. This is such a common tactic that it’s even mentioned in the “Narcissist’s Prayer” poem.
5. 'If you really think about it, it’s your fault I did this'
Prostock-studio / Shutterstock
This phrase comes in many different incarnations, but the general message is, “Look at what you’ve made me do!” Manipulators love to shift the blame onto anyone who is not them. They often will use any loophole, logical trick, or anything else to absolve themselves of guilt.
I’ve seen manipulators get behind the wheel of a car, ignore people warning them to slow down, and then get into accidents…only for them to blame the passenger and try to lie to police officers about who was driving. That’s what manipulators do.
6. 'It’s all in your head. You’re crazy'
GaudiLab / Shutterstock
We often say the word “gaslighting” but forget where it comes from. The original term was coined after a movie called Gaslight, which involved a man trying to make a woman think she’s crazy. Manipulators love to position themselves as the voice of sanity among lunatics.
When you see a person who calls everyone around them crazy, be careful. Gaslighting is most likely at play. This is doubly true if they swear that all their exes are crazy or that they just “seem to attract crazy.”
7. *Silent treatment*
PerfectWave / Shutterstock
Perhaps one of the most powerful weapons manipulators use is the silent treatment. It’s used by stonewalling, refusing to speak to a person until they capitulate, shunning them, or even ostracizing them in circles of friends. For people who need lots of reassurance, this can be devastating.
Studies show that ghosting hits the same part of the brain as physical pain. In other words, the manipulator in your life is likely using it while knowing it devastates you. It’s their ultimate, secret weapon to getting what they want out of people while maintaining control. Sneaky? Oh, absolutely.
8. 'After everything I did for you? After how much I loved you? How could you be so awful?'
Kmpzzz / Shutterstock
If guilt trips were vacations, manipulators would be travel agencies. Guilt trips have been a part of a manipulator’s toolbox since time immemorial. Unlike other manipulation techniques, this is most commonly used by parents, siblings, and romantic partners rather than just friends. This tactic makes you feel like you owe them, even if you don’t owe them a thing.
We often hear about toxic parents guilt-tripping adult children—often until their kids cut them off. In many cases, guilt trips are very effective. It can even make victims feel bad about leaving obviously abusive situations for years after it’s done.
9. 'Oh, she doesn’t like you very much…'
Studio Romantic / Shutterstock
One of the newer manipulation techniques people have started to pick up on is triangulation. This type of phrase uses other people (who are totally unaware of everything) as pawns in the manipulator’s game. They may make you think someone hates you, that the other person agrees with them, or that you’re actually the “odd man out” in a group that likes you.
This is a particularly insidious way that manipulators try to control other people. It can wreck entire social groups, often going unnoticed until things get beyond the point of repair. The best way to counter it is to talk to the person who you’re being triangulated against. You might be surprised at what comes out after you talk it out.
10. 'Wow…You’re going to wear that/eat all that/do that?'
pics five / Shutterstock
Manipulators rarely ever just stick to manipulating people for their own benefit. Some will go so far as to manipulate people just because they can. If you’re with a person who acts that way, you’ll start to notice them picking you apart.
Manipulative people often will use shame, critique, and judgment to get their way. You might notice yourself feeling self-conscious about things that always were a no-brainer for you. Here’s a hint: if you notice that your confidence starts to tank about the little choices you make, it’s time to avoid that person.
11. 'Why are you so obsessed about this?'
Dusan Petkovic / Shutterstock
Did you ever try to get a manipulative person to do something they didn’t want to do? It doesn’t matter how small the thing is or why you want it. Some manipulators will withhold that very thing just to upset you, if they’re vindictive.
Manipulative people will use this phrase to shift the argument away from doing that very thing and toward the argument of justifying why you want it. It’s a way to minimize your needs, undermine your confidence, and make you feel like you’re asking for too much. A better option? Just get away from them and have someone else do that thing for you.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
