Truly Cold-Hearted People Almost Always Use These 11 Phrases When Talking To You
dekazigzag | Shutterstock While “warmth” and “coldness” in someone’s personality are relatively elusive, a study from the Journal of Research in Personality argues that cold-hearted people are often driven by egocentric attitudes in their social relationships, while warm people are not. They’re more worried about their own comfort, self-image, or misguided superiority than being empathetic or emotionally supporting the people in their lives.
While their tactics and behaviors for seeking attention and control are often obvious, from gaslighting to deflecting blame, truly cold-hearted people also almost always use certain phrases when talking to you that can give them away. Be on the lookout for these passing phrases, because while they might be harder to spot or seemingly harmless in conversations, they’re detrimental to relationships and personal well-being.
Truly cold-hearted people almost always use these 11 phrases when talking to you
1. ‘You’ll get over it’
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Instead of offering emotional support to loved ones and showing up as a listening ear for someone who needs to vent, truly cold-hearted people almost always prefer to use phrases like “you’ll get over it” or “that sucks.” They need attention to be fully on themselves, so when someone’s hurting or struggling, it’s better to glaze over it.
To cope with their low self-esteem, they don’t leverage small acts of kindness or a helpful attitude. They seek constant validation and attention from others, even at the expense of their relationships.
2. ‘That’s not my issue’
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Avoidance is often a defense mechanism for cold-hearted people struggling with emotional turmoil and low self-esteem. Rather than face the areas of their lives where they have room to grow and work through conflicts with other people, they run the other way, trying to protect themselves from being seen for who they truly are inside.
Cold-hearted people don’t care about helping others, especially when they’re not getting anything in return. If they don’t understand why someone’s hurting, or prefer not to for their own sense of security, they’re not going to act with empathy, but with avoidance.
3. ‘I literally didn’t mean it like that’
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By altering another person’s sense of reality and rewriting the past to fit their own narrative, cold-hearted people undermine relationship trust and chip away at loved ones’ self-esteem. As a study from Personality and Social Psychology Review explains, this is standard gaslighting.
Making someone else feel “crazy” for asking for the bare minimum or expressing themselves in a partnership. “I literally didn’t mean it like that” invalidates someone’s hurt and burdens them with the responsibility of coping with their own pain, even if it came directly from the mouths of someone they should be able to trust.
4. ‘Of course, you don’t understand’
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While a truly emotionally intelligent, empathetic person will go out of their way to simplify language and make conversations inviting for everyone around them, a cold-hearted, narcissistic person cares more about seeming important or superior. They’re prone to using phrases like “of course, you don’t understand,” largely because they feed into their misguided, grandiose sense of self.
As clinical psychologist Bonnie Zucker explained, “Many people have at least some fears of other people’s judgments. We all have our insecurities, and it’s easy to assume that others judge us based on these perceived shortcomings.” So, it’s this kind of condescending language that not only breaks down relationships but also encourages people to take the blame for their lack of empathy.
5. ‘That sounds like a you problem’
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Even if it seems like they’re operating from an inflated sense of self and confidence, experts know that narcissistic people are actually coping with a deep sense of insecurity and low self-esteem. They avoid taking accountability and often throw “rageful” fits when confronted because they’re trying to uphold a fragile sense of self.
“That sounds like a you problem” is just another way for them to protect their ego from being challenged. They refuse to help other people because if they’re not directly getting compensation or a boosted self-image from helping someone, they’re not interested in doing it.
6. ‘I’m just being logical’
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While overly logical thinking patterns can sometimes be linked to neurodivergence, when cold-hearted people leverage logic to avoid vulnerability, they’re usually using phrases like “I’m just being logical” to invalidate other people’s emotions. They’re more worried about “winning” arguments, feeling in control, and boosting their own superiority than crafting safe spaces to have truly productive conversations.
Truly cold-hearted people almost always use these phrases when they’re talking to you, not because they’re trying to help you solve a problem or support you through discomfort, but to amplify their controlling attitudes and unempathetic behaviors.
7. ‘That’s their job’
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Many people who lack a sense of emotional intelligence or regulation skills to handle their own inner turmoil lash out at others as “scapegoats” for their own pain. Many narcissists, driven by status, use people like service workers whom they perceive to be less “important” than themselves to cope with their pain.
Truly cold-hearted people will use deflection in these moments to justify their own lack of effort. If they can make excuses for and justify their own lack of empathy, they can normalize it in their relationships and protect themselves from needing to apologize.
8. ‘I don’t owe you anything’
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According to professor Sara Konrath, our society is largely shifting to be less empathetic and more narcissistic. From overlooking emotional support and small acts of kindness to putting personal ego about connection, it’s no surprise that many people have adopted an “I don’t owe you anything” mindset in every aspect of their lives.
Truly cold-hearted people almost always use these phrases when talking to you because they care more about themselves than about showing up. They believe that their weaponization of ignorance or misguided sense of “deservingness” protect them from needing to inconvenience themselves with support or empathy.
9. ‘This conversation is so pointless’
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Despite expecting people to offer their full attention when they’re speaking and drop everything to meet their needs, cold-hearted people rarely offer that same intentionality and effort in return. Their relationships are chronically one-sided because they’re only a convenience.
Of course, there’s more tension, conflict, and aggression in a narcissistic person’s relationships, because they’re urging people to overlook their own needs and well-being for the sake of receiving conditional love. That’s exhausting.
10. ‘You made your choice’
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When cold-hearted people feel powerless or in pain, they often latch onto other people and shift blame to feel more “in control,” according to a study from the Journal of Research in Personality. If they’re being pressured to take accountability, they’ll find some way to flip the script and manipulate the narrative, even if it comes at the expense of their relationship health.
They refuse to empathize. They blame people for their choices. They don’t support people if they’re not getting anything in return. They are victim-blamers who encourage people to take accountability for their own pain so they don’t need to be inconvenienced by supporting them.
11. ‘Don’t take it personally’
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Many cold-hearted people lack the warmth and empathy to be vulnerable. So, of course, when someone starts to express their emotions or verbalize concerns they have in a relationship, they’re immediately on the defensive. They're immediately pushing back, leveraging avoidance, and using passive-aggressive language to seek control.
From “no offense” to “don’t take it personally,” and even unsuspecting ones like “I’m just a brutally honest person,” truly cold-hearted people almost always use these phrases when talking to you.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
