People Who Secretly Drain Everyone Around Them Usually Have These 20 Habits
People hate to see you coming.
Elvis Kaiser | Unsplash There is nothing worse than being forced to deal with a draining person against your will. When you think about the word "toxic," associated words like "poison" can come up. Draining people are harmful to everyone they are around and the places they frequent. The mere presence of a draining person in your life can be devastating.
A person who has been labeled as "toxic" exhibits bad behaviors that hurt others or impact them negatively. They are good at manipulating people for their own self-interests. Many people who behave in a draining way have experienced trauma themselves or been exposed to a toxic relationship. Instead of addressing their issues healthily, they start showing toxic traits.
Draining people don’t know how to deal with the internal stress in a normal and functional way, so they become unpleasant, inflicting the pain they have been subjected to onto others. You will know when you’ve encountered a draining person because you will leave feeling worse than you did upon arrival. But there is a difference between being draining and having toxic behaviors.
Toxic people in your life, such as family members and friends, can do extreme damage to your mental and emotional well-being. Spending time in long-term relationships with them can cause you to act out the same behaviors.
People who secretly drain everyone around them usually have these 20 habits:
1. They make people feel bad
If they tend to leave people worse off than you found them, they might be toxic. If your actions frequently make others feel bad, the common denominator is you.
While everyone has bad days, these individuals create a reliable atmosphere of negativity that follows them like a shadow, leaving others emotionally depleted and wondering why they suddenly feel so small. People who drain others have mastered the art of leaving emotional wreckage in their wake.
2. They make people want to avoid them
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No one wants to be around a person they cannot stand. If family and friends always make excuses when you invite them to places, you may be the problem.
The truly telling sign is when someone's social circle gradually shrinks, not because they're pushing people away, but because everyone else is quietly stepping back. It's rarely dramatic or confrontational, mostly because people are too polite for that.
3. They have a superiority complex
If you believe you are the smartest person in every room you enter, you are likely draining. People who are draining need to be better than everyone else and carry a superiority complex everywhere they go.
People with superiority complexes believe everyone is beneath them and struggle to recognize that others deserve equal respect, treating people however they want to achieve their goals. According to mental health expert Adina Mahalli, these individuals often pursue leadership positions at work or in groups as justification for asserting their dominance, acting in ways that make others fear rather than respect them.
4. They're controlling
They see others as pawns, there to bend to their will. They believe you know what is best for everyone and are unwilling to hear any alternatives.
They'll rearrange plans others have made, override decisions that don't align with their vision, and become visibly agitated when people act independently. This constant need for control leaves those around them feeling voiceless and eventually reluctant to share ideas or take initiative.
5. They're emotionally manipulative
You like to use emotional blackmail to get your way. You might threaten to harm yourself or go away in an attempt to spur action from other people. This is toxicity at its finest.
They're masters at playing the victim, twisting situations so that suddenly you're the villain for having boundaries or saying no. This emotional terrorism exhausts everyone around them, who find themselves constantly walking on eggshells, afraid that any wrong move will trigger another manipulative meltdown designed to bend them back into compliance.
6. They lack accountability
You can be caught in the act of doing something absolutely egregious. Instead of admitting fault and apologizing, you play the blame game and deflect.
Dr. Margaret Paul, a relationship expert, explains that people who refuse to take responsibility believe their pain is caused by others rather than by their self-abandonment, so they feel justified in blaming others for their feelings. As long as they believe their painful feelings are caused by something outside themselves rather than by their thoughts and actions, they will see themselves as a victim.
7. They're passive-aggressive
Passive-aggressiveness is a flashing neon sign when it comes to toxic people. You never say what you mean or mean what you say. It’s hard for people to know where they stand with you because you are two-faced.
They never address issues directly, instead leaving a trail of subtle jabs and indirect complaints that keep everyone on edge. This constant disconnect between their words and actions creates an exhausting guessing game where others are left trying to decode their real feelings.
8. They take no responsibility
Everything in your life that goes wrong is blamed on an external force. You never take responsibility for your actions or learn from the mistakes of your past. Instead, you see life as unfair and yourself as the victim.
They have a ready-made excuse for every setback, mishap, or failure in their life. Their refusal to own their mistakes forces others to either constantly clean up their messes or become the scapegoat for their problems.
9. They talk behind people’s backs
If you’ve ever heard someone say, “a listening ear is near a running mouth,” no doubt they have been exposed to the wrath of a draining person. With no loyalty to anyone, toxic folks have no problem sharing your secrets with whoever will listen to them, no matter how damaging.
Teresa Maples-Zuvela, a licensed mental health counselor who specializes in betrayal trauma, explains that when someone you trusted manipulates your reality to keep from getting caught in their lies and betrayals, they reveal they have been hiding who they were from you for the entire relationship.
10. They exploit people’s vulnerabilities
With draining people, instead of showing genuine concern for those who are struggling, you look for ways to benefit from their pain. You might give a homeless person a dollar and post it on social media for likes.
They collect people's secrets like currency, using intimate knowledge as leverage in future situations or as gossip to share when you're not around. What masquerades as empathy is opportunism, turning others' raw moments into opportunities for their own social gain, reputation building, or emotional manipulation.
11. They see kindness as weakness
When dealing with a draining person, no good deed goes unpunished. People’s kindness is taken as an indication of their lack of strength, and you will eagerly try and take advantage if an opportunity presents itself.
They'll often test limits deliberately, making increasingly unreasonable requests to see how much they can get away with, all while internally dismissing the kind person as foolish for not being more guarded. This cynical lens means they stockpile others' kindnesses as ammunition, ready to invoke past generosity to guilt people into compliance when needed.
12. They enjoy embarrassing people
Rather than pull someone aside for a private conversation, you discuss humiliating topics out in the open with the intent of looking good in front of an audience.
You might pretend to be joking, but hurting someone in public is no laughing matter. People see it for exactly what it is: draining behavior.
13. They hold grudges forever
When most people have disagreements, they can discuss them, come to an understanding, and forgive and forget. But not you. Instead, you want the person who did you wrong to know you have no intentions of letting it go.
Life coach Ellen Kamaras notes that holding a grudge or holding onto anger can cause physical illnesses like ulcers, emotional anguish, and undue stress, with frequent high levels of anger even causing heart disease.
14. They take things personally
You see everything as a personal attack on you. No one can give you constructive criticism for fear of the repercussions. When you feel slighted, you go on the attack, and nothing is off limits.
They lash out with disproportionate intensity, bringing up old grievances, making cruel comparisons, or giving others the silent treatment for days. This exhausting dynamic forces those around them to constantly manage and anticipate their reactions, turning every interaction into a careful calculation rather than a genuine exchange.
15. They're a hater
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Instead of celebrating the wins of people around you, you experience intense jealousy. You downplay the successes of others to make them seem insignificant.
Their jealousy manifests as an inability to let others shine, constantly redirecting attention to why the accomplishment isn't that impressive. This reflexive need to diminish others' joy creates an atmosphere where people stop sharing their victories altogether.
16. They threaten people
You make it extremely clear that anyone who crosses you will pay a steep price. You have no qualms about threatening anyone who gets in your way.
According to experts, threatening behavior is a well-known manipulation tactic used in toxic relationships. "I will harm you if you don't do what I tell you" operates with the purest fear of staying safe and sound. This can include blackmail to destroy anything important to you, including your career, relationship, or reputation.
17. They're unwilling to compromise
You run your life like a dictatorship where whatever you say goes. This should not be surprising, as it coincides with your superiority complex and desire to control everything and everyone around you.
They view flexibility as weakness and compromise as defeat, leaving friends and family members to either surrender to their demands or brace for lengthy arguments. This rigidity creates an atmosphere where others stop bothering to voice their preferences.
18. They're untrustworthy
Disclosing things that are not yours to tell isn’t your only untrustworthy behavior. You bend with the wind, turning on people who thought you had their backs. You will throw anyone under the bus to save yourself.
They'll take credit for others' successes while distancing themselves from any failures, leaving colleagues and friends to deal with the fallout alone. This pattern of betrayal creates an atmosphere of constant uncertainty.
19. They're super moody
It’s hard to know how you will feel from one moment to the next. People may have playfully called you "bipolar" or said you are “all over the place” due to your lack of consistency in your behavior.
Psychologist Nick Wignall explains that one of the biggest reasons people get overwhelmed by their emotions is that they make too much of them, and while we all experience occasional mood swings, some people respond to the ups and downs of bad moods and painful emotions with far less confidence and resilience.
20. They love drama
While others get emotionally drained from drama, it gives you energy. You love to whip up a tornado of anxiety and tension because that’s what you need to make your life exciting.
So, you’ve assessed yourself and decided that, much to your discontentment, you are draining and need to do something about it. This is the most important part of overcoming toxicity, and there are steps you can take to change your ways.
First, understand that behavior can be adjusted. Simply being draining doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means you need to be aware and take action to do better.
Next, because you now understand exactly what actions make them draining, practice new behaviors until they become a habit. It might be helpful to track interactions in a journal so you can reflect later.
Ask for the opinions of people you trust and accept their answers. They are the ones experiencing you and are best equipped to give feedback. Make sure you do not threaten or punish them for their transparency.
If you are still struggling to be a better person, reach out to a licensed mental health professional to get tools that can help you build beautiful relationships.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
