8 Ways Couples Ruin Years Of Marriage By Coasting Instead Of Choosing Each Other
ohlamour studio | Unsplash No couple walks down the aisle thinking they'll slowly coast their way into destroying their marriage. But that's exactly how it happens. When you stop actively choosing your partner (their needs, their feelings, their presence) and start running on autopilot, emotional distance seeps in. Years of marriage don't just unravel overnight. They erode when indifference replaces effort.
Romantic disengagement can happen in any long-term relationship, especially when couples assume love will sustain itself without daily intention. Research shows that emotional withdrawal creates physical and psychological distance over time. If you want to ruin your marriage, just coast instead of choosing each other. These habits show exactly how couples ruin years of marriage without realizing they're doing it.
Here are 8 ways couples ruin years of marriage by coasting instead of choosing each other:
1. They cheat instead of facing what's broken
Federico Marsicano via Shutterstock
Nothing shatters trust like breaking your word and sleeping around with other people. This is in the number one spot because of the speed of the destruction that it renders.
Couples counselor Jen Duchene added, "Infidelity, in any form, is a sign of immaturity and insecurity. God knows I suffered from both. The reason people cheat on school tests — they want to pass — is also the reason they escape from a monotonous marriage by having an affair. It's a lot more fun than studying — or putting in the work in your marriage. "
2. They lie instead of being honest
Kmpzzz via Shutterstock
Sure, cheating is one way to lie, but don’t stop there. There are infinite ways to hide in an intimate relationship.
- Lying about your finances.
- Lying about your hobbies, passions, and interests.
- Telling your partner you’re thrilled with the relationship while quietly simmering with resentment.
How about: If there’s something that’s bothering you, tell your partner early and often before it starts quietly eroding your marriage.
"Trying to prevent resentment in relationships should be the primary goal of each partner," advised relationship coach Mitzi Bockmann. "Those thousand little cuts can negatively impact the health of your relationship even more than overt things like leaving your underwear on the floor. So, pay attention. Don’t lie, follow through, respect what is important, and be consistent."
3. They make their partner their entire world
MDV Edwards via Shutterstock
Make your partner your sole emotional support system. Don’t have friends. Don’t have hobbies. Don’t ever have a coach, therapist, a men’s group, or women’s group to go to. So long as your partner feels you are leaning all of your emotional weight on them, you’ll be doing this tip justice. (This is sarcasm, by the way.)
"It may be that the very foundation you're building your relationship on is based on old, unhealed pain," suggested intuitive healer Inga Nielsen. "Building your relationships on saving, caring, and giving, until you are fed up and have had enough, is an indicator of trying to resolve a wound within you. In basic terms, it's a recipe for disaster."
4. They get jealous instead of learning to trust their partner
Cast Of Thousands via Shutterstock
Have so little trust in your partner that you need to grill them about their every move. While you’re at it, put a tracking device on them at all times so you know that there’s zero chance that they would ever have even a sliver of an opportunity to cheat on you.
Relationship coaches Jan and Jillian Yuhas reminded that "Trust is everything in a relationship. It takes time to build it and only seconds to lose it. When you have your partner’s trust, it is important to value it. So, unless your partner is acting in a manner that breaks your trust, giving them their privacy is the respectful thing to do."
5. They avoid talking about money
pics five via Shutterstock
Finances and general money issues are some of the leading causes of divorce, so we definitely can’t forget about this one. Spend like an entitled child (aka well beyond your means). Keep money secrets from your partner constantly. Never discuss money. From now on, your motto is, "Don’t ask, don’t tell."
"Discovering you’ve been lied to about money can throw off your balance," explained The Money Couple. "Kind of like you are on the slippery deck of a ship, pitching up and down in the waves, and you feel like hurling over the side. You thought you could rely on this person above all others, to be honest with you, but now here you are. Do you bail? Do you hurl over the side? What do you do now?"
6. They focus only on their own needs
Paul Biryukov via Shutterstock
Give all of your time and attention to work, your friends, and hobbies, and leave your partner to fend for themselves. Criticize your partner for having so many needs, and then spend all of your time focusing exclusively on your own.
Relationship counselor Dr. Randi Gunther advised to discuss each other's needs and respond, "Great relationship partners know how to choose security when they need safety and predictability, and how to explore new dimensions when they need innovation and excitement. They know that the future of their relationship depends on that balance to stay intact."
7. They deny problems instead of addressing them
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
When your partner tries to bring up issues with you about your relationship, deny it all. Repeat after me: "Blah blah blah… all this talk and it never gets us anywhere. Can’t you just be happy? Why does everything have to be serious all the time with you?"
"When you live in excessive denial, the physical and emotional strain can result in self-destructive behaviors," cautioned leadership coach Sherry Winn. "Denial also has another cost: You are doomed to repeat the patterns of dysfunction that created your protective mechanism. Whatever emotions or feelings you deny persist until you bring them to the surface, face them, and release them."
8. They let problems fester instead of solving them
SynthEx via Shutterstock
When you sense there’s a significant issue that’s getting in the way, do nothing about it and let it fester for as long as possible. A study found that most couples wait a little over 2 and a half years after the onset of problems to enter therapy, and this held true for individuals seeking therapy for relationship problems. Quitters! If you want to excel above the average couple, try waiting for at least 10+ years.
Jordan Gray is a five-time Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, Women's Health, and The Good Men Project, among countless others.
