People Who Make Jealousy A Non-Issue In Their Relationship Rely On These 9 Simple Shifts
You have to tame your envy if you want a healthy relationship.
Brock Wegner | Unsplash Darwin believed our bodies attempted to ward off competition for mates and protect our offspring. Psychologists often describe it as a close cousin to madness. Whatever its origins, romantic jealousy often has no basis in reality and makes us feel like we've totally lost it. It's not fun. But it is a good thing that we're capable of higher reasoning.
Jealousy doesn't magically disappear in healthy relationships, though — it just gets handled differently. Instead of snooping through texts at 2 a.m., they approach those prickly moments in a way that actually brings them closer to their partner.
People who make jealousy a non-issue in their relationship rely on these 9 simple shifts:
1. They think positively
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You may not be able to control a jealous attack, but you can — with some concentrated effort — redirect the thoughts to a happier place. Psychologist Ayala Pines, author of Romantic Jealousy, recommends concentrating on recent happy times. For instance, "some loving thing your partner has done recently, or something wonderful that has happened that made you feel great about yourself." It's not a permanent fix, but it may keep you from dumping your glass of pinot in that other woman's face.
2. They get a second opinion
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Before dissing my partner with a jealous-fueled rant, I always call my best friend for a reality check. She does the same. Recently, her boyfriend took a female friend out to dinner on the friend's birthday, just the two of them on a Friday night.
I told her that I didn't think he was interested in the woman, otherwise he wouldn't be so flagrant about taking her out, but that it's normal to feel jealous. Then, I told her that I was jealous that my boyfriend wanted to hang out with his friends two nights in a row. We decided I'd boarded the crazy train and should keep this one to myself.
Research supports the value of getting an outside perspective when managing jealousy, as an external view from a neutral party can offer the clarity needed to distinguish between protective jealousy that signals a real threat and irrational jealousy that has no basis in reality. This technique of perspective-taking helps interrupt automatic negative thoughts by imagining alternative explanations for situations that trigger jealousy.
3. They stop pretending they aren't jealous
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A friend of mine, Denise, was recently convinced her boyfriend and his cute coworker had snuck off to a hotel during their lunch hour. But because she felt unentitled to the way she was feeling ("I knew I was being insane"), she pretended to be okay with their friendship. For folks with jealous tendencies, stop pretending you're not a jealous person. It ends up just bubbling up and exploding.
A better method for coping is to start asking lots of questions about the situation/person that has triggered your jealousy. What does she look like? Is he attracted to her? What do they talk about? In time, you may be able to ask these questions without sounding accusatory. Baby steps.
4. They meet the person they're jealous of
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It's funny how when we imagine our partners running off with someone else, the other person is the most perfect human being in God's creation. These delusions can be remedied through fairly simple means: meet the other person. A former girlfriend of mine was always talking about her coworker, who shared my name, so I had her ask the coworker out to drinks with us. Boy, was I relieved to find see she looked nothing like what I imagined.
Jealousy is often triggered by a perception of a real or potential attraction between your partner and an imaginary rival, and chronically jealous people tend to misuse their imaginations, creating vivid mental images that feel real but may have little connection to actual threats. Cognitive behavioral therapy for jealousy emphasizes testing negative thoughts against reality rather than relying on mind-reading, fortune-telling, or catastrophic thinking.
5. They have hobbies of their own
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Until a few years ago, I dumped everything into my relationships. I had few friends or hobbies outside of work and my partner. I got jealous constantly because losing my partner was a very real threat to my well-being. Somewhere along the way, I got very busy (potentially self-absorbed), and now I'm just as invested in my job, my band, and my friends as I am in my relationships. And voila! I'm less prone to jealousy because I'm just as likely to be the one meeting new people and choosing to do things outside of the relationship.
Experts recommend establishing and strengthening feelings of independence and competence as a key countermeasure to jealousy. This is an important way of reassuring yourself that you would be fine without your partner and have plenty of other interests creates emotional resilience.
6. They use the 'flooding' method
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Therapists use a process called "flooding" to treat jealousy, but you can do it at home for free. Set aside an hour to think about the thing or person that is triggering your jealousy and avoid thinking about it at any other time. Make sure your cell is off and there are no other interruptions.
Using props — pictures, that email you found — that create your most intense jealous aches, let your mind "flood" with those feelings. Repeat the process for two or three days, and your jealous impulses actually begin to dull and eventually disappear.
7. They develop a plan to handle cheating
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We can be pretty hysterical about cheating and often see it as the de facto end of a relationship. But most of us will cheat or be cheated on (it's happened to me twice, and I've committed it twice), and it's not a bad idea to discuss if you can get through it ahead of time. Carolyn, 31, says, "My boyfriend and I agree that being with one person for the rest of your life is a little unrealistic and unrelated to what it takes to make a relationship work. So, we've talked about what would happen if we were with someone else once, and now I think we could get past it."
Research indicates that 60-75% of couples stay together after infidelity is revealed, and couples who remain married after working through an affair often report relationship satisfaction levels indistinguishable from couples who never experienced infidelity. Even couples reporting high relationship quality face a non-zero risk of infidelity, which suggests that proactively discussing how you'd handle such a situation is realistic.
8. They unpack issues from their childhood
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Dad was a big flirt? Mom was out of the picture? That may explain why you keep dating people who make you feel insecure. Says Pines, "A child who did not feel secure in mother's and father's love, or as a teenager witnessed one of the parents being unfaithful to the other, is likely to grow up with a greater predisposition for jealousy." Being aware of childhood issues is the first step towards overcoming jealousy triggers.
Studies of adults who experienced parental infidelity found that 70% reported lessened abilities to trust their romantic partners, with many developing fears of abandonment and relationship breakdown. The good news is that awareness of these childhood patterns represents the crucial first step toward healing, because it allows you to work through those triggers instead of unconsciously repeating old patterns.
9. They trust their instincts
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There are, of course, instances where jealousy serves its purpose and tells you that your relationship is in danger. When my ex-girlfriend started bringing this college girl around all the time, I felt very uneasy. My gut told me she was interested. My girlfriend cheated on me with a college gal a few weeks later, and we did not have a cheating survival plan in effect.
Of course, usually there are other things off about the relationship in a situation like this, but you get my point. Don't be afraid to trust yourself.
Elizabeth Cline is an expert in sustainability and labor rights in the fashion industry and a professor of Fashion Policy and Consumerism and Sustainability at Columbia University. Her publications have been showcased in Forbes, Sierra and Atmos Magazine, Vogue Business, Slate, Los Angeles Times, The Atlantic, The New Yorker, AMC.com, SundanceTV.com, The New Republic, The Nation, and more.
