If Your Mom Used These 11 Phrases, She's Likely Not A Very Good Person
carlos larrechi / Shutterstock Right now, America is facing a major trend among families. Specifically, we’re seeing record numbers of adult children going no-contact with parents and other relatives.
Anecdotally, I’ve noticed that some of the biggest rifts tend to be between mothers and their estranged children. While some moms are absolutely wrongfully estranged, others have genuinely hurt their kids in the past. Not all moms are good people, even if they should have been. If your mom said phrases like these below, it’s likely that she wasn’t the best person she could have been.
If your mom used these 11 phrases, she's likely not a very good person
1. 'I never said that'
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Imagine the following issue: you recall your mom insulting you or threatening you. You remember it vividly during a heated argument. You bring it up one time later, she blinks, and she says, “I never said that.”
This type of phrase is regularly used by narcissists as a way to gaslight victims and remove accountability from themselves. This is one of those reasons why it’s so hard to actually argue with a narcissist. They will never cop to what they should admit to. Sadly, if your mom backpedals on things, it might be a sign that she’s not a very good person.
2. 'No one else would put up with you'
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Let me be abundantly clear: a parent should be your biggest cheerleader. They should be the ones who make you feel good about yourself. If you faced most of your childhood dealing with a mom who regularly put you down, told you that you were unlovable, and told you to be grateful that she bothered, you were likely being abused.
Verbal abuse is not okay. If she did that regularly, your mom is likely not a very good person, and she's possibly a narcissist, too.
3. 'Oh, poor you!'
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Do you remember Tony Soprano’s mother, Liv, in The Sopranos? Whenever Tony would bring up a very valid issue, she would turn it back on him by sarcastically saying, “Oh, poor you!”
She was a character who was notorious for being an awful person, especially to her own son. The easiest way to see that was how she minimized her own kids’ problems while pointing out all the issues wrong with her life. Minimizing is a common tactic abusers use to try to make their victims stay quiet, which is a part of DARVO, the tactic of deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender, really.
4. 'Your father doesn't love you'
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While some moms keep their kids separate from their dads as a result of abuse, the truth is that others use their kids as pawns in bitter divorce battles. If your mom made an effort to turn you against your dad or pit you against your siblings, she wasn’t a good mom to you.
Make no mistake about it: no kid deserves to be estranged from a father figure, unless that father figure wasn’t good to them. If your mom is guilty of this, you have every reason to be angry.
5. 'I'm not the problem here'
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If you’ve ever dealt with a person who refuses to take accountability for their actions, you already know how awful they tend to be. Taking accountability is a cornerstone of being a decent human being.
If your mom constantly blamed you for things she did, that’s a sign that she wasn’t a good person to you or anyone around you.
6. 'You want to hurt me? Because you're hurting me!'
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Don’t get me wrong. When you actually do hurt someone, you should be told so, and you should knock it off. Moms who say this phrase generally aren’t the ones being hurt, though. They take offense to being expected to be held accountable, or for their kids just having their own opinions.
This can be a sign of insecurity or a weak sense of self. It can also be a sign that an abuser is trying to blame you for their actions.
7. 'If only you were pretty…'
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If you’re a girl who had a mother who picked your looks apart, you already know how much it hurts. Despite what your mom would try to say, she likely was not “trying to help you,” nor did she always mean it in jest.
More often than not, these are the words that are spoken by mothers who view their own children as competition rather than as a child who needs love and care. And no, it’s not the child’s fault. It’s a shame when someone has their moms as their first bully.
8. 'You were an accident'
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Let me be abundantly clear here: there is absolutely no way for a parent to say this without hurting their child. A parent who says this, especially during an argument, is extremely abusive.
In most cases, moms who say this don’t need to do it. They’re often so angry, so bitter, and so downright awful that everyone around them notices how little they want to be a mom.
9. 'I don't like your friends. You're staying with me'
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To a point, this type of speech can be warranted. However, there are limits. One of the key signs of a toxic parent is excessive control and excessive demands, often to the point of crossing serious boundaries, using religion as an excuse, or using emotional blackmail to keep you in line.
A good rule of thumb is that if you were terrified to do things that are normal and healthy for kids (such as hanging out with school friends or trying new clothing styles), you probably had a mom who wasn’t a good person.
10. 'You're demonic!'
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People often underestimate how commonplace spiritual abuse is in the United States. Spiritual abuse is abuse that is often disguised as spirituality. It shows up in behaviors such as unreasonable restrictions, body-shaming growing girls, telling people they’re awful because God hates them, and more.
If you regularly were told that you were a “sinner” or that you were an awful person for even thinking of living in a way outside of your mom’s wishes, you likely dealt with spiritual abuse.
11. 'You're not very smart. Maybe you should just try to marry a guy instead'
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True story, I heard my friend’s mom say this when I was growing up. She eventually believed what her mom told her, even though she actually was decently intelligent. She stopped studying and had to repeat the year. Her mom eventually pulled her out of school.
That young girl was permanently scarred from her mom not believing in her. Unsurprisingly, many in the community who knew her ended up saying the truth: her mom was not the best person around. I don’t know what happened to her after we parted ways, but I do hope she went no contact with her parent. She deserved better.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
