People Who Haven’t Healed Their Childhood Wounds Often Have These 4 Problems As Adults
Sneaky ways unhealed childhood wounds still show up in adulthood.
Mathurin Napoly | Unsplash Understanding the effects of childhood trauma and abuse isn't easy, but it's worth exploring if you ever want to move on. You grew up and did the best you could to let go and move on. But you’ve also had a lot of struggles, especially with mental health and relationships.
You’ve suffered from anxiety. You don’t feel lovable. You haven’t been able to find love that works. You’re afraid of wanting too much.
Maybe you have an eating disorder. You feel hopeless ... a lot. You've been haunted by dark, persistent episodes of depression. When you least expect it (or want it), panic attacks take over. And letting go of the past feels impossible.
This is no way to live. And, you’ve started to wonder: Could any of this be because of what happened so long ago? Could you still be suffering from childhood trauma? But, how?
Why would your traumatic past still be bothering you? You should be over it by now, shouldn't you? No. These are common thoughts in adults who have suffered some type of emotional trauma and haven’t had sufficient help, or any help at all. Or worse, when help has failed them.
Anyone who has endured childhood trauma has tried very hard to learn how to let go and move on from the past. You block out feelings and don’t think about what you went through. Sometimes you find yourself just going through the motions of life because what else is there to do?
People who haven’t healed their childhood wounds often have these 4 problems as adults:
1. They feel like they're 'not really there'
Going through the motions in a detached way is what psychologists call dissociation. It’s how anyone who’s had trauma (or repeated trauma) copes. Dissociation happens as a form of self-protection. During your trauma, you "went away."
You might describe it like this: "I was floating above myself... watching." As if you weren’t there. Mostly, you didn’t feel.
"Not being there" is a way to cut off feelings that are simply too much. They’d be too much for anyone, but certainly for a child. This is how most traumatized children live through their original childhood trauma.
And, later, when memories, flashbacks, or terrifying feelings return, there’s no option but to cut them off again and tell yourself to forget (so fast you don’t even know you’re doing it) and that you’ll be okay.
Yet, what happens is that you live with the secret of how you really feel, how terrified you are (and were), and how hard it is to trust.
2. They keep painful secrets locked away
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Yes, you’ve had to keep your feelings a secret from yourself. And, it’s part of the reason you’re still suffering. Childhood trauma is very complex — whether you were abused, neglected, or had no one in your early life who you could count on.
Very likely, no one ever talked to you about the trauma either. Or, as is often the case in abuse, they threatened you and told you that you’d better never tell.
But what if you weren’t threatened and still couldn’t tell anyone? Something inside held you back; you were too scared to open it up. Or, maybe, the people you tried to tell didn’t believe you or didn’t think your childhood trauma was that serious.
And, so you kept quiet. You were ashamed. You didn’t think it should bother you then, and you certainly don’t think you should still be suffering now.
So, you’ve lived with it alone for many years. Maybe you finally trusted someone enough to talk. Or perhaps it’s still a secret.
The reality is that you had no other option but to try to forget. And, the saddest thing you had to forget is the hurt and scared little child inside you, who has all the feelings you can’t and couldn’t feel. And that’s why you continue to suffer.
3. They carry their child self inside them
That’s right. You may be an adult, but your child self still lives inside. And that child lives in your memories and feelings.
The ones you can’t feel. For some people, there are good memories and feelings, and they provide a foundation to build a happy and satisfying life.
But, all too often, your childhood trauma has made (and is making) you suffer. And that child hidden inside has suffered deeply and lived with terror. A nine-year study of over 2,000 adults found that childhood maltreatment leads to insecure attachment styles and poorer adult relationships, often due to untreated depression.
Your childhood trauma — whether abuse, loss, illness, or something outside of anyone’s control — has deeply affected your life. Has interfered with your trust, success, relationships, and especially with your happiness.
No wonder you still suffer. The past lives on, as hard as you’ve tried to forget. And as much as you’ve done everything possible to build a good life despite it.
Perhaps you’ve managed quite well in the easier times. You work around your childhood trauma. Maybe you've even found love. Maybe you have your own children, and you do much better with them, or you've even created a very successful career. But there are other times in life, a loss, major stress, an abusive boss, or something else, and all the memories and feelings still living in that hidden child are triggered.
There you are suffering a lot. Even if you managed not to suffer so obviously before. Or, maybe you’ve been suffering your trauma all along. You just didn’t know it.
4. Their past trauma keeps getting triggered
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The past lives on inside, waiting for reminders. And, what if you’ve had no help for your childhood trauma?
You’ve had to put it aside or forget about the child part of you that is the one who suffered. Although it probably seems unfair, the past lies in wait for something that brings it up.
But why doesn’t forgetting work? You’re strong. You’ve managed to go on. Why isn’t that enough?
You’re pretty convinced that putting it aside should be successful, right? You haven’t needed anyone’s help before.
Yet, help may be just the thing you need. The unconscious mind holds all that has been buried and begins to show evidence of the feelings you’ve put aside.
There are reasons. First, if there are triggers for memories and feelings, they can’t be kept quiet. Second, if there are unsettled things from the past, part of what the unconscious does is to help them come up.
You have dreams, symptoms, or feelings. And, these are messages that the traumatized child needs to hear.
And if the child inside you is heard, you now have a new opportunity to work things out. Realizing that you’re still suffering from childhood trauma isn’t a bad thing, even if that seems strange.
Why would you want to suffer? But if you are, then you now have a new chance to know more about your suffering and maybe finally turn that suffering around.
To do that, it’s essential to take very seriously that the one who is suffering is the traumatized child still living inside you — the one who has had no voice, no one to listen, and no one to take seriously the effects of what happened.
The feelings of the traumatized child still live in your symptoms. It’s not too late. With the right kind of help, plus learning to trust it (with a therapist who understands why you wouldn’t trust easily), your suffering can change.
You don’t have to keep all your feelings secret or live with them alone. Yes, it’s a big leap even to consider that you might stop having to be so tough. Or stop telling yourself, "It’s over. It happened a long time ago. I should be done with it by now."
Isn’t it time to take a chance, listen to the child inside, and get help from someone who knows about childhood trauma?
You can have a place to share your secrets, take what happened seriously, and be with a therapist who listens well. Someone who knows how to be the right kind of guide to find your way out of suffering. Once and for all.
Dr. Sandra Cohen is a Los Angeles-based psychologist and psychoanalyst who specializes in working with survivors of abuse and childhood trauma.
