If Your Mom Texts These 11 Phrases, She Probably Feels Lonely And Needs Your Attention
GaudiLab / Shutterstock While the empty-nest lifestyle is often empowering for many aging adults, the truth is that the loneliness many are experiencing isn’t going away. According to an AARP study, more than 40% of adults over 45 are experiencing loneliness on a regular basis, trying to cope with life changes, disconnection from their families, and isolation. While the signs can be subtle, especially considering it’s a natural part of life for many people, as an adult child, there are “red flags” that can point to your parents’ loneliness.
Even in conversations over text messages, one of the primary modes of communication between parents and their adult kids, there are signs. If your mom texts these certain phrases, she probably feels lonely and needs your attention to cope.
If your mom texts these 11 phrases, she probably feels lonely and needs your attention
1. ‘What are you up to today?’
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For many people, cell phones and screens are a coping mechanism for dealing with loneliness, but when they’re overused for escapism or constant comfort, they can quickly spiral into a much bigger problem. However, if a parent is using their phone mostly to connect with their social circles online or to chat with their adult kids about their day, it could be productive.
So, if your mom texts a phrase like “What are you doing today?” often, she probably feels lonely and needs your attention. The good news? A quick text thread or phone call can be comforting and serve as a reminder that they’re not actually alone, even if they feel isolated and lonely.
2. ‘Call me when you get a chance’
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According to a study published in the Aging and Mental Health journal, loneliness tends to increase with age. As they begin to experience more life shifts and changes, including living without their kids under the same roof, isolation can shift their routines and affect their mental health.
So, if your mom is reaching out more often or sending texts like “call me when you get a chance” frequently throughout the week, she probably feels lonely and needs your attention. Even if it’s just a small part of your busy day, it could be the thing she looks forward to most throughout the day.
3. ‘I know you’re probably busy…’
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Considering the majority of parents think positively of their relationships with their adult kids, according to a study from the Pew Research Center, it’s not surprising that they continue to rely on them for emotional support, advice, and connection, even after they’ve left the house to start their own separate lives.
That’s why they may use their phones or send a text message to check in with their kids often. For some, it’s simply a means of connecting and checking in, but for others, a phrase like “I know you’re probably busy” is a ploy at coping with their own loneliness. They want to protect their kids’ time and avoid being a burden, but still need the connection to feel at peace.
4. ‘I saw this and thought of you’
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Whether it’s a TikTok on their phone or a photo of a flower they’ve stumbled across on a walk outside, if your mom is always sending text messages like “I saw this and thought of you,” it may be a subconscious ploy at coping with isolation. They’ll find any way to connect with you, even if it means sending random check-ups or photos throughout the day.
Even if these moments seem simple, they’re often representative of a close bond where a parent is still thinking and worrying about you, even when you’re not around.
5. ‘When are you stopping by?’
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“When are you stopping by?” is one of the many questions that parents ask their adult kids that guilt-trip them without even realizing it. They may be coping with their own feelings of disconnect and loneliness without realizing these tactics are actually pushing them away from their kids. So, if your mom texts this phrase, she probably feels lonely and needs your attention.
Of course, guilt-tripping can take many forms, even in a phrase like “Are you too busy for us now?” While these behaviors and phrases may increase contact, as family therapist Sarah Epstein suggests, in the end, they end up increasing tension in the parent-child relationship and pushing people apart.
6. ‘It’s been quiet here’
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If your mom texts things like “it’s been quiet here” often, she probably feels lonely and needs your attention. For many people, especially parents, getting older forces them to confront more alone time with quiet. If they don’t have habits or hobbies to fill that time, they can be left with a sense of loneliness that’s hard to deal with.
That’s part of the reason why mindless entertainment, such as watching TV in their free time, becomes so popular among aging adults coping with loneliness, according to a study published in The Gerontologist. The quietness of an empty nester’s household and feelings of isolation can quickly amplify loneliness without distractions or social connections.
7. ‘We went to your favorite place’
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Even when you’re not around, a parent who misses you will find ways to connect. They’re clean your childhood bedroom, cook your favorite meal, or even go out to your favorite place to feel closer to you, even if it’s not a ploy to get you to come over.
Even if their kids are out living their own lives, these small moments of connection, even if they’re happening online, can be influential on parents’ moods and well-being on a daily basis, according to a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family.
8. ‘Do you need anything?’
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Parents of adult children often feel a responsibility, even after they’ve left the house, to support and resolve their problems. They want to feel needed, which is often the feeling that’s lost when their kids start their own adult lives. So, if your mom texts phrases like “Do you need anything?” she’s probably lonely and needing your attention again.
They’re still trying to reconnect with their individuality outside of only being a parent, and will cope along the way by checking in subtly with phrases like this.
9. ‘I haven’t seen you in a while’
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Even if they’re not actively trying to guilt their kids into coming over and helping them cope with isolation, a phrase like “I haven’t seen you in a while” encourages adult kids to take the blame for not maintaining constant connection. While it may encourage them to come over more often, the guilt it also causes them can strain the relationship and spark resentment.
Of course, this kind of guilt isn’t new. It’s part of the reason estrangement has become such a taboo practice between parents and their kids, but just because it’s not inherently malicious or manipulative doesn’t mean it’s not harmful.
10. ‘Love you and miss you’
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While asking for help, especially from our own kids, is often a silent struggle, according to a Stanford Report, when we finally hit our breaking point of dealing with loneliness, it’s phrases like this that finally come up. So, if your mom texts things like “love you” and “miss you” randomly throughout the day, that could be her way of asking for help, a sign that she feels lonely and needs your attention.
There’s a reason why higher levels of social support are often tied to lower levels of loneliness. When we ask for help and seek out support from our loved ones, we’re more grounded and supported in tackling subtle feelings of isolation as they creep in.
11. ‘I don’t want to bother you’
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Mental health struggles are often tied to other uncomfortable experiences like loneliness and chronic stress, largely because they overload the brain and exhaust us internally when we don’t have the regulation skills or coping mechanisms necessary to deal with them.
Alongside these mental health struggles, like anxiety, that pop up for lonely parents, a fear of being a burden may also appear, as a study published in the Aging and Mental Health journal suggests. So, if your mom texts these phrases, she probably wants to protect your peace, but still feels lonely and needs your attention.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
