Kids Who Go No Contact With Their Parents Usually Have These 11 Specific Reasons
They finally put themselves first.
Artem Zatsepilin | Shutterstock Similar to how individuals from different generations tend to feel disconnected from each other over shifts in culture, personal values, and general perspectives — hence "generation gaps" in many aspects of life — parents and adult children can experience tensions later in life. According to a study published in Psychology and Aging, many of these tensions — from parenting beliefs, to unresolved trauma, and poor communication — are impossible to ignore.
Kids who go no contact with their parents usually have these specific reasons. Of course, actually going "no contact" and cutting off communication with a parent is no easy decision or process, but for many adult kids, it feels like their only option if they want to truly protect and prioritize themselves.
Here are 11 specific reasons kids who go no contact with their parents usually have
1. Their relationship is transactional
fast-stock | Shutterstock
Many adult children live with childhood trauma from growing up with a transactional parent, whether that's using reward and punishment behaviors at home, weaponizing love and affection, or simply being entitled and authoritarian.
While these behaviors may help parents to get what they want in misguided ways, they alienate children — both early in life and in adulthood — and urge them to adopt insecure, people-pleasing, and attention-seeking behaviors as they yearn for unconditional love and support.
Rather than following a cycle of seeking this validation and begging for their basic needs to be met, it's often healthier to go no contact and to cut off communication from them in totality.
2. Their parents enable toxic habits
fizkes | Shutterstock
Whether it's financial irresponsibility, poor physical habits and vices, or poor personal behavior — like enabling emotional suppression or anger — kids who go no contact with their parents are usually negatively affected by their parents' enabling behaviors.
Like parent coach and psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein suggests, these behaviors don't just set up adult kids for the consequences or poor habits and vices, they sabotage feelings of independence and autonomy. Especially for kids who don't always have the self-discipline to say "no," cutting off contact completely is often the best option.
3. Their parents are emotionally manipulative
fizkes | Shutterstock
Many kids who grow up around or have emotionally manipulative parents in their lives tend to struggle with emotional intelligence and self-esteem, according to a study from the journal Parenting. Whether it's aggression, insecurity, people-pleasing, or mental health concerns, kids who are constantly manipulated by the people they're supposed to trust the most are set up to fail.
That's why kids who go no contact with their parents typically name emotional manipulation as the main cause — their parents actively worked to make them more insecure, doubtful, and easier to control, so getting out was the only way to regain that control and confidence over their own lives.
4. They were held to unrealistic expectations
fizkes | Shutterstock
According to a study published in Frontiers in Psychology, parents who lack a stable personal identity as a parent often develop depression, anxiety, and other mental health concerns, which tends to result in more conflict, resentment, and disconnection with their kids.
In some cases, this lack of personal identity can cause parents to rely on their kids for a feeling of fulfillment and success, even if that means misguidedly living through them or holding them to unrealistic standards and expectations. It's one of the specific reasons kids who go no contact with their parents usually have, because they feel like no matter what they do, they can't prove themselves worthy of love, affection, or praise in the eyes of their parents.
5. They have internalized shame
Kmpzzz | Shutterstock
Many adult children with unresolved childhood trauma, toxic relationships with their parents, and lacking communication deal with shame on an everyday basis, especially amid friends and peers who truly rely on and appreciate being around their own families.
However, in many ways, this shame can be rooted in experiences with parents growing up — from being manipulated, to dealing with name-calling and guilt, and even being talked about poorly behind their backs by the people they trusted the most. A study from the Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology argues that parents who lack boundaries, respect, and trust at home tend to spark more shame in their kids, especially if their bond and parental identity is vague.
Cutting off contact with these kinds of parents is oftentimes the only way to heal — giving kids the space to acknowledge their shame without being constantly reminded of it by talking to and engaging with the people who caused it.
6. Their parents avoid communicating
fizkes | Shutterstock
According to a study from the journal Children, avoidant behaviors — like refusing to resolve conflict, talk about emotions, or express concerns — is a form of emotional manipulation that isolates children from their parents. Not only that, it tends to leave kids burdened with their own suppressed emotions and coping with unmet needs, oftentimes into their adult lives.
While it may seem subtle, not having the space to deal with these unmet needs and unresolved feelings from childhood with parents can spark more disillusionment, causing adult children to grapple with resentment, mental health struggles, attachment issues in their own relationships, and insecurity.
7. They had controlling parents
Brian A Jackson | Shutterstock
According to experts from the University of Virginia, people who grew up with overbearing and controlling parents often develop long-term emotional, social, and mental struggles — from insecure attachment styles to depression.
Even as adults, they may still feel pressured to conform to their parents' demands and expectations, in ways that can sabotage their own personal autonomy, growth, and happiness. Kids who go no contact with their parents usually have these reasons — they want to break from the cycle of their parents' controlling behavior and, in order to do so, they have to stop communicating with and being pressured by them.
8. Their parents consistently crossed their boundaries
kryzhov | Shutterstock
Whether it was privacy violations or emotional distress, many children who go no contact with their parents later in life don't feel respected. Setting boundaries and consistently enforcing them is foundational to building a healthy family dynamic, according to psychotherapist Ilene Strauss Cohen, because they help to prevent burnout, facilitate healthy communication, and reduce psychological stress.
Having boundaries be consistently disrespected by parents, especially after they've been corrected and called out multiple times, can leave kids feeling unheard and isolated, which is why they tend to go no contact to heal.
9. Their identities were invalidated
DimaBerlin | Shutterstock
Whether it was their gender identity, their self-expression at home, or their career choices, kids whose identities were consistently invalidated by their parents often go no contact later in life when they have the independence and autonomy to do so.
Later in life, without going no contact or taking the time to heal, memories of childhood invalidation can urge people to seek validation and acceptance in the wrong places — compromising their well-being, safety, and mental health for the sake of approval.
Considering childhood invalidation is also often a precursor to psychological distress and narcissistic tendencies later in life — when adult children cope with feeling unheard and unvalued in misguided ways — it's important for many of them to go no contact to heal before their own mental health, relationships, and well-being is compromised.
10. They were the scapegoat
BearFotos | Shutterstock
According to trauma recovery coach Julie L. Hall, narcissistic and toxic parents often play the victim to avoid taking accountability for their own hurtful behaviors, language, and mistakes — painting their kids to be the perpetrators of harm, even when they're actually hurting. They shift-blame, guilt-trip others, and weaponize affection to avoid taking the blame, even if that's exactly what their kids need to feel safe and heard.
While there are a number of ways that adult children can cope with the guilt and shame of being the "scapegoat" growing up, sometimes the only way to move forward and heal — especially with consistently manipulative parents — is to cut off contact with them completely.
11. Their feelings were dismissed
Motortion Films | Shutterstock
Many parents who dealt with mental health stigma and shame of their own struggle to truly support their kids when they're struggling. While it's possible to unlearn this internalized shame to show up for your kids, it's no easy feat.
However, kids who grow up both without emotional vulnerability and access to mental health knowledge, resources, and support tend to struggle even more later in life — having suppressed and held onto all their struggles without access to help. They not only resent their parents, but often continue to be shamed for getting help as adults, which is what pushes them to a no contact situation.
If getting true help and prioritizing their mental health means going no contact, they're willing to do so.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
