People Who Use These 11 Hurtful Phrases Aren't 'Brutally Honest,' They're Just Mean
Brutally honest people are rarely ever coming from a good place.
Vladeep | Shutterstock There are some people who enjoy labeling themselves as someone who always tells the truth, no matter what. They claim to be "brutally honest" with everything they say, despite the fact that every single time they tell a truth, it somehow manages to hurt the other person's feelings. They enjoy acting as if they're doing everyone a favor by just "keeping it real," but they fail to realize that their words end up landing in a harsher manner than it needs to be.
Whether it's using "no offense" before a comment or claiming something is just a joke, people who use these hurtful phrases aren't brutally honest, they're just mean. True honesty is about being empathetic and respectful. It's not about taking the opportunity to be cruel. Once you're able to notice that these "brutally honest" people typically have the same playbook when it comes to the things they say, it's easier to see that it's not tough love, but just ways for them to be rude without having to sit for the consequences of their words.
People who use these 11 hurtful phrases aren't 'brutally honest,' they're just mean
1. 'I'm just saying'
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When someone usually says something unnecessarily rude, they tend to throw in an "I'm just saying," as an attempt to lessen the blow that their words just gave. It's the equivalent of shrugging when you brushed past someone too quickly and caused them to stumble. You know it wasn't a nice thing to do, but you're just pretending that you didn't do it at all rather than just taking accountability.
"Admitting to imperfection is the first step in opening horizons and learning new ways of restoration. Although it comes with colossal risk, accountability is a passage to recovery," encouraged licensed counselor Jamie Cannon.
It's as if they think this phrase will just magically turn the insulting words they just said into something akin to wisdom and thoughtful advice. They're wiping their hands of the things they said and hoping the other person will take it as honesty rather than being offended.
2. 'You're too sensitive'
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Usually, when people accuse others of being "too sensitive" after they've just delivered a rather brutally honest truth, they're simply trying to shut down the conversation without actually dealing with what they've just said or did. It's basically them telling others to stop making such a big deal out of their actions, even if those actions were incredibly hurtful.
They're attempting to flip everything back onto the other person to absolve themselves of looking inward and realizing they're not being respectfully honest, but disrespectfully at that. It's just a dismissal.
They don't want to have to deal with the emotional fallout and instead becoming incredibly defensive in the process, which doesn't help amend anything. In fact, that kind of behavior just makes things worse.
3. 'No offense, but...'
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People who use the hurtful phrase "no offense" aren't brutally honest, they're just mean. Because when someone starts off by claiming they don't mean to be offensive, it usually means they are about to say something wildly offensive that will surely hurt the other person's feelings.
And the worse part about it is that they could have definitely taken some time and thought about their words to realize that even with the "no offense" disclaimer, it's still a rude thing to say.
"We're most offended by the people we've given the most emotional weight to," pointed out therapist Charles H. Browning. "We care what they think. We've invested time, trust, love, hope, and approval, as well as opened up to them. Their opinions matter more than most."
People think by putting their hands up and declaring that they don't mean to be offensive, that whatever comes out of their mouth next won't be, even though it usually is. That just makes what they've said that much more intentional.
Being honest is not about being offensive. Being honest is about ensuring that you're speaking from the heart and with the intention of actually trying to help the other person or open their eyes to something they need to see.
4. 'I'm just being real'
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The funniest part about people who are "brutally honest" claiming that they're "just being real" is the fact that they are rarely even doing that in the first place. They'll make all these comments about another person's lifestyle, the relationships they have in their lives, and even their appearance. To cover up the fact that what they've said is mean, they'll claim they're only saying it like it is.
"This is why we don't say everything that pops into our heads. Can you imagine a relationship where both partners said everything they thought? Angry thoughts about your partner, their behavior — or their mom — are often biased and inappropriate," licensed marriage and family therapist Jason Whiting explained.
But the moment that you even attempt the flip the script back on them, suddenly they can't handle it. These individuals are constantly framing others as the problem if they take offense with the things they've just said as well.
Most of the time, the things they're saying aren't even the issue, it's just how they've delivered their thoughts and opinions. Instead of thinking how their words might land, they just throw out a flimsy disclaimer or defense of their personality.
5. 'You need thicker skin'
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Even if they don't mean it as a way to make someone feel insecure about the reactions they have when their feelings are hurt, it still ends up landing like a gut punch. Telling someone to just stop caring about what was just said doesn't help anyone.
Instead of being able to address why the comment was hurtful in the first place, these individuals are just telling others to toughen up, as if it's their own fault that they got so easily offended.
The underlying message is that you're the problem. You're just too much of a sensitive person, even though admitting that something hurt your feelings isn't being "too sensitive" at all. Brutally honest people just want you to suppress your own emotions so they can be absolved of feeling any type of guilt.
6. 'If you can't handle the truth, that's on you'
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Individuals who hide behind brutal honesty usually claim that others can't handle the truth as a way to justify their unnecessarily harsh words. The moment that you start to react to the things they've said, which rightfully made you feel upset, suddenly it's not their fault that you aren't able to hear the truth.
"The point of concern isn't the honesty; it's the brutality. Because oftentimes the truth does hurt. But there are plenty of other ways to share an honest message that is thoughtful and not damaging — and not gaslighting," said licensed psychologist Jonice Webb.
The thing is, you probably were prepared to hear the truth, it's just that honesty shouldn't ever be delivered in a way that's purposefully meant to be hurtful and rude. These individuals enjoy being able to feel noble, even if what they're saying stings a whole lot. Rather than being able to have an actual conversation with them, you're now stuck having to defend your own feelings.
7. 'Calm down'
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It's never helpful to tell someone that they need to calm down after you've just said or did something that elicited a rather emotional response from them. Instead, it usually ends up having the opposite effect, as someone will just become more frustrated by their emotions being policed, especially by the person who hurt them in the first place.
Usually when someone is being brutally honest, they think that trying to control the results of their actions can be done by holding up their hands and outright telling someone that they need to just "calm down." But people who use these hurtful phrases aren't brutally honest, they're just mean.
It doesn't solve anything. Even if their intentions weren't mean to be harmful, it just ends up shutting down an opportunity to be vulnerable and open. Nothing is ever addressed because of how adamant they usually are with trying to stop the conversation from escalating even though they're the reason for it happening.
8. 'That's just life'
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There's nothing wise about pointing out something that's obvious. Of course, life is full of challenges and unpredictable moments that can really bring you down if you're not good at coping mechanisms and being able to overcome the stress of everything.
When you're talking to someone about the latest catastrophe that has happened to you, whether it's extremely big or just minuscule, you're not looking for someone to just shrug in your direction and claim that life just ends up being that way. It can feel incredibly dismissive and a bit annoying because, yes, you do know that already.
Brutally honest people think by just chalking it up to the way life is, they're giving some kind of revolutionary advice. Most of the time, this phrase is just them trying to exit the conversation rather than actually sitting there and validating that all struggles are hard, even if it is just a consequence of being alive.
9. 'I'm just trying to help'
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There's no doubt that not everyone who is brutally honest is trying to be rude on purpose. Most of the time, they are actually trying to help because they do care, it's just their delivery isn't always the best. But they shouldn't just expect others to feel grateful for their supposed guidance when it more often doesn't land at all.
"Honesty needs to be tender. If you have to say something to your loved one that may be unsettling, do it as gently as possible. 'Brutal honesty' has gotten a lot of press lately, but I have seen it do more damage than good. You need to present your issues with some degree of kindness," licensed psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith revealed.
Instead, it lands as if they're judging you by saying something hurtful, while at the same time, trying to make themselves look and feel like the good guy. That kind of "helpfulness" can feel unnecessary. It's not as if they outright asked if you needed the advice, and nine times out of ten, it isn't even something that will help with your situation.
10. 'It's just a joke'
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People who use the hurtful phrase "it's just a joke" aren't brutally honest, they're just mean. Because rarely is it ever actually a joke. Brutally honest people tend to hide behind humor even though what they've just said or done was outright hurtful to someone else.
Rather than being able to just take accountability for their actions, they hide behind everything just being humorous. What that does is put the blame on the other person because now they're wondering if they're overreacting when, in reality, they're usually justified in the response that they had.
"It's never just a joke. Okay, fine, sometimes it is just a joke. But there is always a nugget of truth inside the joke. It's like how we give dogs pills by putting them inside a scoop of peanut butter. The pills are the truth, and the peanut butter is the humor that makes it go down easier," explained licensed family and marriage therapist Phil Stark.
This phrase also comes from people who know exactly what they're doing. They are attempting to cover it up with humor so they don't have to face the actual impact of what they've just did. But the truth of the matter is, a joke is only a joke when other people are laughing. If someone has become offended, it's no longer humorous and funny.
11. 'That's a you problem'
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Brutally honest people tend to hide behind it being everyone else's fault rather than their own. Everyone else is just being "too sensitive" and overreacting. They never want to have an actual conversation; instead, they want to fully disengage entirely. So, rather than being able to address your feelings and the words they've said, they're basically just shrugging it all off and walking away.
The moment something actually ends up bothering you, they act as if it's not their issue to solve, even when they're the cause of it. They hide behind their brutal words and "truth" and then have no solution for when those words actually cut through a person.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
