When A Man Is Deeply Ashamed Of His Behavior, He'll Make These 11 Excuses Often
A man may struggle to apologize and instead act out in these ways.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Let’s be honest, it’s never easy to admit when we’re wrong. In our minds, we may have concluded that our actions were bad, but it’s not easy to say those words out loud. Men struggle with this often. The ego can stand in the way of verbalizing an apology, and when a man feels deeply ashamed of his behavior, he'll often make excuses rather than say he is sorry or actually change his ways.
Men who do this typically believe that this is the easy way out. However, psychology says that apologizing is important. “All any of us need when someone hurts our feelings or upsets us is to know that they really understand why what they did bothered us and are sorry for it,” says Josh Gressel, Ph.D., for Psychology Today. “We automatically forgive as soon as we feel that, and the resulting intimacy is greater than before the offense occurred."
When a man is deeply ashamed of his behavior, he'll make these 11 excuses often
1. He'll say he can't commit
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When a man is ashamed of their behavior, they’ll struggle to apologize for their actions. Instead, he will start making excuses as to why they can’t spend time with you. When they’re around you, they will feel guilty. Instead of just saying sorry, they’ll suddenly be unable to commit to you or will suddenly break up with you.
This comes down to the idea that they are not good enough for you. They’ll excuse their behavior by claiming you deserve more than he can offer. It can seem sweet that they’re trying to protect your feelings, but in reality, they feel deeply ashamed of their actions and are unsure how to verbalize it.
2. He'll claim to be too busy
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If a man has acted out and is ashamed of what he’s done, an easy way to avoid coming to terms with his actions is by making excuses for why he can no longer see you. It’s easier for him to ghost you than it is to say sorry. This excuse is a go-to for men in this position.
“Shame and embarrassment are part of being human, but they don’t have to control your life,” says Denver Men’s Therapy. “When shame goes unnamed, it can quietly shape your self-worth, relationships, and how you show up in the world.” Men can respond to these feelings by pushing you away to avoid taking accountability.
3. He'll say he was just trying to be kind
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One way a man feels he can excuse his bad behavior is by trying their best to talk you out of how you are feeling. He’ll start becoming extremely kind. Maybe he brings you gifts constantly, or he’s suddenly sending you sweet texts. Of course, he finds doing these little actions an easier route than actually apologizing for what he has done. He wants to convince you he is sorry without actually having to say it.
Deep down, he feels bad for what he has done. He thinks he can convince you that he is sorry by being over-the-top with his kind gestures. It can cause you to become love-bombed. They’ll hope that you will care more about their kindness than their original bad behavior, and this excuse will get them off the hook.
4. He say he doesn't know how he feels
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We have all known a person who shuts down the moment they do something wrong. He’ll ignore your calls or stop telling you how he feels. He knows he messed up, but instead of taking accountability, he makes excuses. He avoids conversations to protect his self-esteem. He feels ashamed, but he won’t let you see it.
Gregg Henriques, Ph.D., says that avoiding these tough feelings can permanently strain a relationship, which may or may not be the man’s attention.
“This can create enormous difficulty in relationships, because the key variable in guiding couples to come together — or driving them apart, if the need is not met — is each partner’s need to feel known and valued by the other," he explained. "If either partner cannot put into words their feelings about not being known and valued, but instead hides, defends, or deflects such feelings, then the chances of disharmony and vicious relational cycles are greatly increased.”
5. He'll say he's not available
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An easy way for a man to make excuses for the behavior that he feels shame over is to ignore you completely. Suddenly, he’ll have a million reasons why he can’t spend time with you. He doesn’t want to be reminded of what he did. This is especially true if what he did was highly offensive. It’s easier to just cut you off than it is to take accountability.
Shame makes people act in different ways. It’s not easy for everyone to come to terms with their own behavior. A man will likely not want to see you because you bring back those feelings of shame. He’ll start making excuses as to why he can’t hang out to avoid facing his behavior.
6. He'll insist that he didn't do anything on purpose
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A man who is ashamed of his behavior but is making excuses for his behavior will always come to his own defense. He doesn’t want to admit to doing things he regrets. Instead, he’ll go down making excuses to defend himself. It’s the best option for someone who needs to protect their ego. They care less about how they made you feel than they do about the pain this will bring themselves.
“In relationships, it is crucial for partners to honestly take responsibility for their actions, apologize for wrong behavior, and try and improve. Those who blame and make excuses will damage their own integrity and the quality of their relationships,” says Jason Whiting, Ph.D.
7. He'll say it was because of you
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Sometimes, when a man feels shame but is making excuses for his behavior, he will try to convince you he actually didn’t do anything wrong. It can be a form of manipulation. Sure, they know they messed up. However, they don’t want to take any accountability. They will begin acting as if you are lying or misunderstood the situation.
Unfortunately, this is a dangerous way for a man to try to excuse his behavior. He can play serious mind games to get what he wants. It’s especially scary because he may be able to successfully convince you that they did nothing wrong. This is even worse because they know they did it and are feeling ashamed, but are willing to do anything to excuse their behavior.
8. He'll say cruel things to deflect the shame on you
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While some men may respond to the discomfort their shame brings them by going out of their way to be kind, other men take the opposite approach. Suddenly, their behavior will become cruel. They could be trying to push you away because they feel bad about their behavior, but can’t verbalize it. Or, their shame is hurting them, even though they made that decision, and they want you to feel pain. It’s a complicated and unfortunate way to mask their pain.
“If something in a man’s brain says he is being disrespected, he will automatically feel his status is being lowered and that his very survival is at stake. And so he’ll go into ‘kill or be killed’ mode,” says Carol Allen for Flourish Together. “If this sounds extreme, consider that tribal hierarchy RULED mankind (and still does for millions of indigenous people all over the world!) until relatively recently. A man’s life depended on how he was perceived by those around him. If he appeared weak, his livelihood and that of his entire family was in danger.”
9. He'll say you don't know what he is going through
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To mask their shame and avoid coming to terms with their behavior, some men will use the excuse that he was going through something. He'll want you to feel sorry for him. It's a classic way to manipulate you. Why should you be upset with him when he is going through such a difficult time? He'll have a scenario, likely made up, in his mind.
It's a defense mechanism for men like this. They do feel bad for what they've done that got them in this position to begin with. However, they have no issue trying to flip the script. They want to wiggle their way out of the situation by making you feel sorry for them.
10. He'll claim his actions weren't that bad
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A man who is ashamed of his actions but wants to make excuses for them will often try to convince you that what he did wasn't that bad. He'll likely give hypothetical situations that are worse than what he did to you. He'll do his best to make you wonder why you're upset with him to begin with. This can be an easy way for a controlling man to get into your head. A man who makes this excuse to avoid apologizing does not have good intentions.
“Deflecting typically emerges in challenging conversations or situations where a person is confronted with their perceived mistakes. Instead of accepting responsibility and facing the uncomfortable moment head-on, the individual will try to shift the focus from themselves. This usually involves passing the blame onto someone or something else,” says Samantha Jones for UK Therapy Guide.
11. He'll blames it on his past
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It's easy for a man to take the blame off his own shoulders and place it on the actions of his family. When he acts badly and hurts you, he'll feel ashamed that he did it. However, he won't want to apologize. Instead, he'll jump into excuses, and an easy one is to claim it all comes down to the way he was raised.
Let's face it, family drama occurs more often than we'd like. Some people deal with difficult parents. There is a chance he was raised around the behavior he is showing you. However, it's still an excuse. Instead of seeing his mistakes, he'd rather blame it on anyone but himself. Using his family as an excuse is an easy way to shift the focus and try to make you feel sorry for his upbringing at the same time.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
