People Who Grew Up Feeling Like The Black Sheep In Their Family Usually Carry These 11 Habits Into Adulthood
People who felt like the black sheep of the family growing up form lifelong habits as a result of never feeling like they fit in.
ShevarevAlex / Shutterstock Some people fit in so perfectly with their families that it’s almost hard to tell what makes them independent from the other members. On the other hand, some people are truly the black sheep of their family. They just don’t quite fit in, and they struggle with relating to the ones they’re quite literally related to. There’s nothing wrong with being the black sheep, although it may be uncomfortable for the person who’s living through it, and it’s highly stigmatized by the society we live in.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Annie Wright explained, “From an archetypal psychological perspective, ‘the black sheep’ may most closely resemble ‘the orphan’ archetype, or that of ‘the abandoned child.’ These archetypes are, in essence, recurring symbols or motifs that describe someone, or an aspect of someone, who doesn’t feel like they fit in with their family or community of origin, physically or spiritually, and perhaps because they do not seem to fit, the group’s ‘shadow’ is projected onto them.” If someone grew up feeling like the black sheep, they probably developed some habits that they continued to carry with them throughout their life.
People who grew up feeling like the black sheep in their family usually carry these 11 habits into adulthood
1. Setting boundaries
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Someone who grows up as the black sheep in their family will learn the importance of setting boundaries very early on. Their family will probably push them to do things they don’t want to and will show up in their life in a way they aren’t comfortable with. This means they’ll start setting boundaries at a young age, maybe even before they understand that’s what they’re doing. But they’ll do it out of survival to keep themselves feeling safe.
Psychotherapist Ilene Strauss Cohen, PhD, said that boundaries require clear communication and actually following through with them and sticking to them. “The key is to communicate your needs assertively but empathetically, conveying your need for boundaries while validating the other person’s feelings,” she stated.
Setting a boundary doesn’t mean that someone is being rude or hurtful. Instead, they’re actually doing what’s best for them and the other person. Although it may be difficult, kids can set boundaries without even realizing what they’re doing. It doesn’t necessarily get easier as you get older, but it does change. If someone grows up feeling like they have to set boundaries with their family, they’ll just continue to do so into adulthood. It may become even more crucial to set those boundaries as they grow up and start living their own, independent lives.
2. Questioning the status quo
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Every family has traditions and values that they stick to. Someone who feels like the black sheep is going to naturally question those norms and wonder if they’re really the right things to do. When they’re young, this may look like wondering why getting all A’s in school is necessary. When they get older, these conundrums will get more complex. For example, they may question their family’s political beliefs or ideas about getting married and starting a family. They won’t just stop doing this one day.
Figuring out what your own values are is a normal part of growing up. Even people who are very close to their family may find themselves questioning some of their patterns.
Professional coach Irina Cozma, PhD, said that developing your own value system involves figuring out what’s important to you, defining it and putting it into practice. She added, “There is so much power in understanding what your values are — they can help you make decisions, guide your career and even live a happier life.”
Someone who feels like the black sheep in their family is bound to question what their family does because they’re “supposed to” or “that’s just the way it’s done.” As they get older, they’ll find themselves questioning the status quo about basically everything. They may pursue an alternative career path as an entrepreneur because they don’t see the value in working a traditional nine-to-five, or they may choose not to have children. Whatever it is that they question and decide because of it, it will be authentic to who they are.
3. Defying expectations
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Black sheep are going to naturally defy expectations. When they’re young, this may look like their parents insisting they make the honor roll, but instead, they spend their time focusing on sports. As they grow a little older, they might choose not to get married young, even though it’s what their family expects of them. Before they know it, they’ll be defying expectations on a bigger scale, eschewing whatever stereotypes society tries to impose.
Laura Huang, an associate professor at Harvard Business School, explained how defying expectations can actually lead to success. “We go into situations, and we may not belong to certain circles, or we may not be given those opportunities, and so, part of being able to make your hard work work harder for you is going into situations, and allowing them, having people give you that opportunity,” she said.
Defying expectations is a habit that people who grow up as black sheep will carry with them into adulthood. Instead of doing whatever society expects of them, they’ll do the exact opposite. While the world will try to fit them into a box and set them on a specific path, they won’t follow it, just like they did with their family when they were younger. It will just become a part of who they are.
4. Going to therapy
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One habit that someone who feels like the black sheep of the family may pick up on is going to therapy. Of course, this may not be an option for them when they’re young and still beholden to their parents. But that won’t necessarily stop them from having an interest in attending therapy sessions and working on their mental and emotional health in any way they can. Once they’re old enough to decide for themselves, they’ll probably go to therapy.
Health and wellness writer Sara Lindberg noted that therapy can be beneficial for “navigating complicated family dynamics.” She added, “Individual therapy gives you a safe space to explore your thoughts, feelings, and concerns … The goal of individual therapy is to inspire change and improve the quality of life through self-awareness and self-exploration.”
For most people, going to therapy is not just a one-time thing or even something you do for a short period of time. It can easily become a pattern that you follow throughout your life, picking it up again when you need it most and letting it go when you don’t feel like you would benefit as much. It’s a habit that people who feel like the black sheep will probably develop and run with, as it will help them navigate their relationship with their family and with the world.
5. Being fiercely independent
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Someone who grew up feeling like the black sheep will likely have a tendency to be very independent. This will start at a young age, as they deal with their difficult feelings towards their family members. They’ll learn not to rely on them very heavily, and will likely create some distance. Because of this, they’ll learn to do things their own way and on their own terms. This will only increase as they get older and they become more independent by nature.
Unfortunately, if someone really went through a lot of trauma with their family, they may turn to being hyper-independent. According to clinical psychologist Amy Marschall, PsyD, “When someone’s need to be independent goes to an unhealthy extreme, this is hyper-independence. An individual who is hyper-independent will avoid asking for help or support even when this is detrimental. Hyper-independence can be a trauma response.”
So, there is such a thing as taking independence too far. In our society, being independent is usually viewed as a good thing, but that isn’t always the case when someone has trauma and an extreme need to do things on their own. But a healthy level of independence is always okay, especially when it makes someone feel like they are better protected from family members who did not make them feel safe.
6. Creating a found family
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Family is an innate need that we all possess because of our human nature. If someone’s family needs aren’t satisfied through their biological relatives, they’ll likely look for other places where they can still catch that feeling of family. This is where a found family comes in. A found family is made up of all the people that someone has chosen to get close to who feel like family to them. It can help fill the void left by a dysfunctional biological family.
The idea of found families has become so popular that it is often used as a theme in books, movies, and TV shows. Estefanía Vélez from the New York Public Library said, “The ‘Found Family’ or ‘Family of Choice’ trope refers to a device in literature and media where a group of characters find themselves united in a family-bond based on shared experiences, mutual understanding and interpersonal connection. These arrangements often bring familial love they may have otherwise missed into their lives.”
A found family isn’t just something you read about in books or watch on TV, though. It can be a very real thing that people seek after, especially if their own family leaves something to be desired. A black sheep will probably start to assemble a found family of friends and mentors at a young age and will never really stop. They’ll just continue on into adulthood.
7. Breaking generational curses
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One habit that will just come naturally to anyone who feels like a black sheep in their family is breaking generational curses or cycles. A generational curse is something that gets passed down from one generation to the next in a family. Instead of the family passing down something like wealth or a nice set of China, they pass down trauma and pain. Someone will have to break free of the family’s patterns to break the cycle. That’s where black sheep come in.
Psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, shared, “Breaking generational cycles can be lonely. It’s a courageous, often long journey that requires doing difficult work to create and maintain self-awareness. It involves immense and often painful vulnerability to heal. And all of these things often feel isolating.”
Black sheep are almost always generational curses and cycle breakers. They are going against the grain of what their family expects. If there’s something that their family has always done that they know is wrong, they will be the first to put a stop to it. They will carry this with them into adulthood as they continue to end these cycles for their own children, if they choose to have any.
8. Reading people’s emotions
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Someone who grew up feeling like the black sheep is probably going to be very good at reading people’s emotions. Their family members may have been emotionally distant or unavailable, so they’re left to figure out what it is they are feeling on their own. If someone feels like the black sheep, they’ll probably also get very good at reading and understanding their own emotions. Their self-awareness will be heightened.
While it may be uncomfortable to read difficult emotions coming from the people they’re supposed to be closest to, it could actually benefit the black sheep of the family. Communications consultant Nick Morgan, PhD, said, “Reading other people’s emotions, as well as our own, is essential for good communications, and public speaking. The research shows that we are more alike than different suggesting that humans can profitably learn to become more accurate at reading emotions and that the results might pay off in better communication for anyone who attempts it.”
Of course, the emotions one can read are not limited to their family. This is a skill that someone can carry with them into the workplace, dating, friendships, and more. Reading people’s emotions is also not something that you really stop doing once you’ve become good at it, so they will definitely bring this habit into adulthood with them.
9. Not communicating with family
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There are a lot of different circumstances that could make someone feel like the black sheep of the family. It may be something as simple as their parents and siblings pursuing careers in medicine while they chose a more creative path. There may not actually be any ill will or bad blood in the family. Unfortunately, that’s not true in all cases, and some people who feel like the black sheep also feel the need to cut off certain family members who made them feel that way.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson offered some examples that show it may be time to go no-contact with a family member. She said that repeated violation of boundaries, or acting like boundaries are not important, may warrant such a decision. “Nobody arrives at the point of estrangement on a whim,” she shared.
However, she also added, “When there is harm to your health, you really may be forced to choose between your own physical well-being and contact with that person.”
Cutting off communication may start in subtle ways, like not telling your family about who you’re dating, or just not having very frequent conversations with them. However, as one gets older, this will likely lead to not talking to them very much or at all. Adults may become fully estranged from their families. As unfortunate as it is, sometimes it’s necessary to cut off communication with your family, and black sheep will carry this with them into adulthood.
10. Feeling guilty
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Someone who feels like the black sheep in their family has most likely done absolutely nothing wrong. However, they may still feel guilty. This could mean that they have a guilt complex. According to Kendra Cherry, MSEd, a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, “A guilt complex refers to a persistent belief that you have done something wrong or that you will do something wrong. In addition to constant feelings of guilt and worry, a guilt complex can also lead to feelings of shame and anxiety.”
Causes of a guilt complex, Cherry said, can include “anxiety, childhood experiences, culture, religion and social pressure.” So, if someone is made to feel like they are doing everything wrong from a very young age, they may develop a guilt complex and carry that with them throughout their lives. Feeling guilty for something you’re not responsible for is terrible, but it’s something that some people have to live with.
11. Being a people pleaser
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People pleasers are very common in the society we live in where everything is expected to be perfect. People pleasers put others’ needs before their own and always prioritize other people. Someone who feels like a black sheep may have developed people-pleasing tendencies because they always wanted to make their family happy. And, if they felt like their family was never happy with them, that need probably only intensified. They assumed it was their job to make everyone else happy, so that’s what they did.
In a separate article, Cherry shared that “painful, difficult or traumatic experiences can also play a role” in people pleasing. So, if someone had a very rough childhood, they may turn to people pleasing as a way to feel better about themselves. While this may provide someone with a sense of purpose, it’s not going to stick. Being a people pleaser doesn’t ultimately bring one any real happiness.
Someone who feels like a black sheep will probably develop a tendency to people-please and then continue on with it in adulthood. Being a people pleaser is a hard thing to recover from, and if someone develops it at a young age, they’ll probably just carry it with them throughout their life. Soon, they’ll be making everyone in their life happy, not just their family.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
