People Think These 11 Odd Things Are Personality Traits When They're Actually Unfortunate Coping Mechanisms
They may seem quirky or admirable, but in reality, they're destructive.
Stayman | Shutterstock Childhood maltreatment, trauma, and poor support are all often linked to worsened adult outcomes, whether that be struggling to form healthy relationships or suffering from mental illnesses. Like a 2020 study suggests, we can escape from and leave unfortunate circumstances as we become adults, but the coping skills, self-soothing rituals, and misguided beliefs we've internalized as children don't simply go away.
From harboring a sense of hyper-independence to withdrawing from commitment, and even people-pleasing to keep the peace at home, people think these odd things are personality traits when they're actually unfortunate coping mechanisms. Their childhood experiences have taught them certain "truths" about their identities, realities, and lives, many of which are actually destructive and limiting in the grand scheme of things.
People think these 11 odd things are personality traits when they’re actually unfortunate coping mechanisms
1. Hyper-independence
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Even if hyper-independence gives people a sense of control and self-assuredness over their adult lives, it's often a trauma response, according to relationship specialist Annie Tanasugarn. Not only is it often a sign that a person was parentified from a young age, but it may also be a coping mechanism for the opposite: a child who grew up with little support, love, and control over their lives.
Even seemingly harmless things like having strict parents or overbearing guardians as a child can encourage them to yearn for and seek out control in their adult lives, sometimes at the expense of connection, relationship health, and mental well-being.
They now have the control to seek out autonomy they lacked as children, but sometimes, it keeps them from exploring the commitments and vulnerabilities of intimate relationships and connections with others. It's not necessarily a personality trait — to be independent — all of the time, but rather an unfortunate coping mechanism.
2. Being 'low-maintenance'
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If you've ever heard someone say they're "just low-maintenance" or "don't need a lot" in a relationship, chances are they've just been taught to dismiss and invalidate their own needs.
Whether it's a result of parents who always invalidated their needs or a transactional relationship at home where they felt like they needed to "provide something" to be loved, people may think these odd things are personality traits when they're actually unfortunate coping mechanisms.
They don't want to feel like a burden to other people, even if that perceived "burden" is just expressing their emotions, asking for the bare minimum, and building a healthy, balanced relationship.
3. Being overly private
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Whether it's keeping internal vulnerabilities completely to themselves, protecting their homes and material things with hypervigilance, or keeping up walls in conversations about money, people think these odd things are personality traits when they're actually unfortunate coping mechanisms.
Being overly private could actually just be a sign that an adult child never had safety, security, or support at home early in life. They're hyper-aware of their control now, even when it comes to adding a layer of "privacy" to their relationships, at the expense of true connection, affection, and understanding.
4. Thriving under pressure
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Even though being capable of emotionally regulating themselves through stressful situations and learning to be calm under pressure can be personality traits, they're often coping mechanisms for people with childhood trauma or adversity.
From people-pleasing to seeking attention in a place where they were never validated, many children thrive in these pressured environments as adults because they've been forced to "keep the peace" from a young age.
Like a study from the European Journal of Psychotraumatology suggests, many adult children do become more resilient in high-stress situations as they get older, but it may be a case of "surviving" rather than truly "thriving."
5. Not accepting help from anyone
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In alignment with being hyper-independent, many people with childhood trauma also refuse to accept help from anyone — whether it's being lent money, accepting emotional support or sympathy from friends, or delegating tasks to co-workers in an office.
People who struggle to accept help may fear losing their control, according to psychologist Valentina Stoycheva. They've worked so hard to solidify their grasp on their own success, comfort, or stability that inviting other people in and giving them a task to help with feels like a misguided attack.
So, yes, being independent and personally empowered can be a personality trait on its own. But if being offered support feels offensive or asking for help is overly scary, chances are it's actually an unfortunate coping mechanism.
6. Being 'fine' all the time
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If a person was never given space in their childhood homes or relationships to "not be OK," chances are they overuse phrases like "I'm fine" in their adult lives. They were made to feel guilty for expressing their emotions, talking about their concerns, or asking for help as children, so now they worry about burdening people when they're not feeling well.
Whether it's a physical illness or mental and emotional turmoil, people who think these odd things are personality traits may actually be continuously coping with unresolved trauma. It may be a personality trait to be self-sufficient, but suppressing emotions and hiding personal struggles from loved ones as an adult is more a coping mechanism than a strength.
7. Perfectionism
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According to psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis, perfectionism is often a side effect of trauma early in life. For example, an adult child who was consistently held to unrealistic standards by their parents may still be coping with internalized shame and disappointment — trying to overcompensate as adults by making everything "perfect," at the expense of their own well-being and emotional health.
If they were overly criticized, judged, and attacked as children, they may take those perceived insecurities and "flaws" into their adult lives, trying to set impossible-to-reach standards to compensate.
Even if "perfectionism" seems like a quirky personality trait, it's often one of the unfortunate coping mechanisms people deal with when they have unresolved trauma inside of themselves.
8. Preferring solitude
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A study from Brain and Behavior found that children who experienced trauma early in life are more likely to experience loneliness and social exclusion as adults. Of course, introverted people who have a preference for alone time aren't always coping with unresolved trauma, but if they're consistently putting it before healthy social time or indulging it without healthy habits and hobbies, chances are it's a misguided self-soothing ritual.
Rather than embrace the discomfort of social interactions and face the complexities of their relationships, they retreat to their alone time to soothe their own insecurities and fears.
9. Being 'super chill'
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Many people with unresolved childhood trauma find ways to suppress discomfort and emotionally withdraw in the face of conflict to cope. Their "super chill" attitude and perceived personality traits are often unhealthy, urging them to suppress complex emotions and forgo asking for help when they need it.
Even if other people praise them for being "easy-going" and "chill," chances are this internalized coping mechanism is ultimately sabotaging their relationships, increasing the likelihood for disconnection, frustration, and resentment to thrive.
10. Intellectualizing everything
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Many people use "intellectualization" — using logic and facts to cope with complex emotions and feelings — as a defense mechanism against vulnerability and honest connection. Rather than feel, acknowledge, and express their emotions, they find a way to shame and suppress them with logic and intellect.
Of course, being prone to logical thinking can be an innocent personality trait for people who crave mental stimulation and understanding, but using it as a way to block intense emotions or vulnerability is often one of the unfortunate coping mechanisms people confuse with being a quirky character trait.
11. Being overly sarcastic
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Humor is often a protective factor for people coping with emotional distress and unresolved trauma, with sarcasm and irony being closely related to anxious and stressful feelings, according to a study from Europe's Journal of Psychology.
People think these odd things are personality traits — like making sarcastic remarks and overusing self-depricating humor — when they're actually unfortunate coping mechanisms. They belittle and invalidate their own feelings for the sake of making everyone else "comfortable," even at the expense of their relationships and general well-being.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
