11 Things People Raised By Strict Parents Still Catch Themselves Doing As Adults
Many people who were raised with strict rules find that their parents still hold power over their lives as adults.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock There’s no denying how your upbringing played a significant role in your life today. Whether it’s battling toxic tendencies in your relationships, struggling to build self-esteem, or avoiding hard conversations, our adverse childhood experiences and the lessons our parents indirectly taught us linger into adulthood.
Many of the things people raised by strict parents still catch themselves doing as adults are rooted in authoritarian parenting styles, which can spark depression, anxiety, and other behavioral concerns later in life. Without addressing these lingering aftershocks and healing from childhood trauma, the cycle of generational struggle and disconnect continues.
There are 11 things people raised by strict parents still catch themselves doing as adults
1. People-pleasing
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Many strict parents with authoritarian parenting styles tend to lack a nurturing mentality. They have high expectations, wield inequitable amounts of authority and control, and often weaponize the unconditional love children deserve in transactional ways to get what they want.
While it may seem subtle, these toxic behaviors aren’t teaching kids self-discipline, but rather encouraging them to cope in unhealthy ways with their unmet needs, whether that be open communication, emotional support, or affection. They learn to put their own needs to the side for the sake of their parents’ requests, overlook their opinions to promote their parents' entitlement and authority, and protect the peace in uncomfortable situations.
Many adult people-pleasers had their emotions minimized as children or felt punished and shamed for expressing them, which is why they protect other people’s comfort and overlook their own as adults.
2. Over-explaining their life choices
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According to a 2016 study, many children who grew up with strict and overbearing parents struggle with emotional regulation, independence, and self-esteem later in life, largely because their parents constructed an unfavorable environment for growth. They not only set unrealistic expectations and forced their children to achieve without communication, but they also shamed them for pushing back or expressing their own opinions.
Their opinions, beliefs, and emotions were less important at home than their parents, so they were pressured to over-explain themselves to avoid being judged or shamed. Now, this is one of the things people raised by strict parents still catch themselves doing as adults, because they still internally fear the shame and guilt their upbringing sparked.
3. Avoiding confrontation
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Many adult children who grew up with strict parents struggle with communication skills as a result of conflicts, arguments, and interactions from early in life. Whether it was their people-pleasing that encouraged them to avoid confrontation or fear of judgment from their parents for not meeting their expectations, it often manifests in unhealthy attachment and communication styles as adults.
As a study from the Scientific Reports journal suggests, people who grow up with unmet needs or parental neglect tend to adopt avoidant attachment styles later in life, engaging in behaviors like emotional suppression or avoidance in relationships to cope with their internal discomfort.
4. Developing unrealistic expectations
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Many people who were held to unrealistic expectations by strict parents as kids, whether it was academic achievement or an unquestioning loyalty, often become perfectionists later in life. Their success was tied to admiration and affection from their parents early in life. They longed for love in an unconditional sense, and the lack of it encouraged them to continue chasing unrealistic and unsustainable goals.
It’s not uncommon for these adult children to catch themselves engaging in perfectionist behaviors or even holding other people in their lives to unattainable standards later in life. They’re still coping with and unlearning their parents’ treatment of them as innocent kids.
5. Shaming themselves
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According to relationship coach Jordan Gray, many kids who grew up in households with strict parents and perfectionist standards develop internalized shame from a young age. Authoritarian parents craft a million strict rules and expectations, oftentimes without support, grace, or affection.
Nothing they do ever feels good enough when they’re not flawlessly achieving what their parents want, which is why many kids with strict parents struggle with self-esteem into adulthood, according to a study from the Annals of Medicine and Surgery.
Of course, not every strict parent negatively affects their children; sometimes their strict rules benefit their behaviors and attitudes as adults, but when they cause shame, guilt, and insecurity, they’re essentially set up to fail.
6. Avoiding vulnerability and commitment
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Many people who struggle to commit in their relationships and truly lean into the discomfort of vulnerability grew up with unmet needs or parental neglect. Research shows that people who are hyper-independent and avoid committing to others are often still coping internally with the struggle of feeling unheard and unsupported by their parents early in life.
While it’s possible for strict parents with strict rules to still foster open communication and vulnerability at home, authoritarian parenting styles often suppress these emotional bonding moments, encouraging kids to cope and address their internal needs in sometimes unhealthy ways.
7. Tolerating misbehavior
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Whether it’s staying in toxic relationships that mirror the parental neglect and unmet needs of their upbringing or simply letting someone interrupt in a conversation, tolerating misbehavior is one of the things people raised by strict parents still catch themselves doing as adults.
They were socialized and pressured to never express discontent with their parents and to follow their rules and orders without pushback. As kids, this meant suppressing their emotions, coping with frustration in private, and adopting shame or insecurity, experiences that hardly go away on their own with healing.
8. Self-sabotaging
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From new jobs to meeting friends and even committing to a stable and healthy relationship, many kids who grew up with strict parents find themselves self-sabotaging later in life. According to social worker Joslyn Jelinek, self-sabotaging behaviors like avoiding or sabotaging the kinds of experiences you desire most often stem from low self-esteem, anxiety, and fears of the unknown, but they can also be a side effect of seeking control.
One of the things people raised by strict parents still catch themselves doing as adults is yearning for the kind of control they never had as kids. Whether they’re hyper-independent or controlling to a fault, trying to avoid change and uncertainty in their lives, it can manifest into self-sabotaging behaviors that negatively affect most parts of their lives.
9. Overworking themselves
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Whether it’s literally overworking themselves on the job and never setting work-life boundaries or failing to rest in their personal lives, adult children who grew up in strict families often put themselves at risk for burnout at higher rates, even if they don’t realize it.
Fueled by perfectionist expectations, low self-esteem, a need for control, and internalized shame, these adult children may find it easier to distract themselves from being alone or looking inward with tons of work and stress.
10. Struggling to make decisions
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According to experts from Michigan State University, kids who grow up with authoritarian or strict parents often struggle to think for themselves. They never had the opportunity to learn how to make decisions in their best interests or even regulate their own emotions.
In adulthood, they may find themselves looking to other people to approve of their decisions or even seeking external validation to cope with the discomfort they experience around independence. Whether these behaviors result in codependent relationships or lower self-esteem is another discussion, but at the root, it’s one of the things people raised by strict parents still catch themselves doing as adults.
11. Seeking out toxic partners
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Even if they’ve tried to heal from their trauma or left their unfavorable feelings about their upbringing behind, many people raised by strict parents still catch themselves seeking out toxic relationships that mirror their familial bonds later in life.
According to a study from the Journal of Family Psychology, caregivers can essentially sabotage the health of their children’s adult relationships, encouraging them to resort back to the obedient, codependent, and insecure persona that they personally benefited from as parents.
By seeking out partners with behavior patterns that feel familiar, they can wield a sense of control that their younger selves didn’t have, navigating toxic behaviors and attitudes, like authority and control, that they have experience in handling.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
