Couples Who Never Ever Fight About Money Have These 7 Things Figured Out
Money can make or break a relationship but for some couples, it's a total non-issue.
Vitaly Gariev | Unsplash Money is supposed to be one of the biggest relationship enders out there. We've all heard the statistics about how financial disagreements are a leading cause of divorce, and how different money attitudes can tear even the strongest partnerships apart.
Some couples genuinely don't fight about money, and it's not because they're wealthy enough to avoid the issue. They've established frameworks, mindsets, and habits that transform money from a source of tension into something that actually strengthens their bond. If you're tired of the same arguments about spending or saving, these insights will change how you approach money as a couple.
Couples who never fight about money have these 7 things figured out:
1. They reflect on their individual histories with money
Hananeko_Studio / Shutterstock
When you consider how much personal history goes into creating the adult that enters into a relationship with another, there’s a reason to marvel. Think about when and how you and your spouse met. Did you meet in college? Online? On a blind date?
However you came together, you came to your relationship from different worlds, different families, and different life experiences. And yet, you knew you stood a greater chance of reaching your life's potential and purpose by being together.
It shouldn’t surprise you, then, that your experiences with and feelings about money may be very different. Did one of you come from a long line of inherited wealth, while the other knew how to stretch food stamps over a month?
Did one of you come from a strict home that imposed frugality and saving, despite having money for a more comfortable lifestyle? Did one of you grow up stashing every bit of birthday and Christmas cash in a safe place, just in case you had to fend for yourself?
This component of understanding money is incredibly important to understand how you both think about and behave around it. It’s one of the most powerful insights you will ever have into who your spouse is and how they think and feel. It will also speak volumes about what they need from your relationship.
2. They acknowledge the emotions involved
fizkes / Shutterstock
Toyota created an interrogative method, now employed in many businesses, called The 5 Whys. The purpose is to explore cause-and-effect relationships underlying a problem by asking "Why is that?" after each response. Eventually, a root "aha" is reached, and effective action can be taken.
Looking at your financial communication as an exploration into why you both feel and act the way you do with regard to money will strengthen your bond. You may learn that your spouse feels overly burdened with financial responsibility.
Or you may reveal that your childhood memories of never having enough are triggered when your spouse tightens the purse strings. Perhaps your worries about having money for healthcare, children, or retirement underlie your frugality.
The important thing is that you treat your spouse’s emotions around money as tenderly as you would want your own feelings treated. Research suggests framing financial discussions as a way to understand your partner's perspective, not as a debate to be won. This helps de-escalate tension and encourages collaborative problem-solving.
3. They start the conversation with goals
Ground Picture / Shutterstock
Money conversations don’t have to be all doom and gloom. They can actually be a very positive (even if occasionally stressful) step toward making your dreams come true.
A 2013 study found that mutual financial goals and values predicted relationship satisfaction more strongly than communication tactics during disagreements. By focusing on what they are working toward together, couples feel more aligned and connected.
4. They admit their own mistakes
fizkes / Shutterstock
If you’re the one initiating the conversation, take the leading role in admitting where your spending habits could use some improvement. If you’re carrying debt into your marriage, clear the air ahead of time. Either way, be transparent and thorough and make it safe for your spouse to do the same.
Research suggests that couples who are stressed about money tend to avoid discussing it. Admitting a mistake, no matter how difficult, can reframe the problem as a solvable issue that you can tackle as a team.
5. They listen without judgment
ShishkinStudio / Shutterstock
Once again, it’s not about the money. Money is just a vehicle and a reflection of your choices. Look your spouse in the eyes, hold their hand, don’t flinch with confessions, and affirm always the priority of your marriage.
If a discussion becomes heated, one study advised couples to take a break. Stepping away for at least 20 minutes allows both partners to cool off and re-engage in a calm, respectful manner. This prevents emotional escalation that can hijack productive conversation.
6. They create goals and a plan to reach them
Chay_Tee / Shutterstock
Boring as it may sound, getting out of debt can be an exciting prospect — especially if you do it as a team. Make a list of the must-dos in addition to the want-to’s, then get to work devising a plan to accomplish them.
Keep in mind all that you have learned about one another when exploring your histories and emotions, and be fair. There is always a way to come away gratified, even if you have to sacrifice for a while.
7. They do something romantic after tough money conversations
La Famiglia / Shutterstock
Congratulate yourselves as a team for working through what can often be a difficult issue. You make a great team and deserve to celebrate by doing something special.
You will better know how to communicate with your spouse about money if you choose to approach the topic proactively and positively. By focusing on your dreams, values, and feelings, you can more easily avoid the reactivity that so often surrounds financial conversations.
Before you open the conversation, and as you approach each new step, remind yourself that it’s not about the money. It never is.
Dr. Jerry Duberstein, Ph.D., is a couples therapist, and his partner, Mary Ellen Goggin, JD, is a relationship guide. They lead private intensive couples retreats and are the co-authors of "Relationship Transformation: Have Your Cake and Eat It Too."
