The Common Phrase That Sabotages Too Many Future Marriages, According To A Relationship Expert
Two words we use often combine and create serious negative energy and low expectations for any relationship.
KrakenImages | Shutterstock Marriage is hard, and anyone in a committed relationship knows it. When you are living with another adult under the same roof, it is naturally going to be challenging, no matter how much you love them. But it isn't the daily annoyance that causes divorce and breakups, it's resentment. And one common phrase sets people up for that misery.
Case Kenny, author of The Opposite of Settling: How to Get Everything You Want Out of Love and Life Without Losing Your Spark, has been helping millions rethink the way they approach love, purpose, and self-worth. He joined Getting Open to talk about empowering relationships so they are rooted in mindfulness, optimism, and what he calls “settling up. “
The common phrase that sabotages future relationships? 'Settle down'
"Settle down" can be a way to silence someone or tell them to be quiet. But it also means finding someone to love, getting married and having kids. And that's the way Case Kenny sees the phrase being problematic to your future.
Instead of settling down in a way that dims your spark, Case offers a blueprint for finding love that expands who you are instead of shrinking it.
It's important to avoid feeling restricted by the other person or the relationship, or making someone feel restricted. No matter what inspires it, whether it is monogamy, financial compromise, or loss of your free time, feeling constrained can easily lead to resentment.
Settling builds resentment
The Gottman Institute teaches how resentment can become poison to even the most loving relationships. Too often, we don’t realize how much resentment is building until we find ourselves snapping or even secretly rebelling.
Case Kenny insists that once a couple starts trying to settle down, they begin to struggle in long-term relationships. The phrase "Settling down" brings negative energy and low expectations for what long-term commitment can look like.
Settling conveys the idea of accepting less than you deserve
How can settling down be negative? It starts with "settling" being associated with taking less than you deserve. Then it gets even worse by adding the word “down”, as if we are lowering our standards to conform to what society expects of us.
So, what can we do about it? If you’re single, Kenny points out that it starts by reframing how you meet potential partners. You must center your authentic self rather than what you think other people find appealing. Stop thinking of being in a committed relationship as "settling" or lowering your quality of life. Think of it as an opportunity to grow as a person.
Authenticity is the antidote to settling
Authenticity in dating
Kenny also encourages single people and those in newer relationships to let people show who they truly are — not the "you" that you think they're expecting. By being your truest self, you can learn whether they'd be a good match for you.
If they are not a a good match, they seem to be expecting someone else, or give indications they want to change you or have you perform a role, let them go! It cannot work in the end, no matter how hard you try, if the other person falls for someone who simply isn't real.
Finding where you feel constrained in long-term relationships
If you’re in a relationship, take some time to identify where you feel bound or restricted. You can identify these deeper feelings through meditation, journaling, or even a simple heartfelt conversation with a trusted friend or counselor.
Once you have identified the root of those feelings, you can start solving the problem, before resentment takes over and sabotages your love life. Remember, if you need to reach out for support from a qualified counselor or couples therapist, be brave and do it! There's nothing wrong with asking an expert for tools and guidance when it comes to the most important relationships in your life.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
