11 Phrases People Use When They’re Settling In A Relationship
They don't feel they can do better, so they settle for just good enough and give themselves these excuses.
F01 PHOTO / Shutterstock When a person isn't feeling fulfilled in their romantic relationship but has chosen to stay, they will often make excuses to justify settling for less than they deserve. On the surface, the phrases people use when they're settling in a relationship might sound logical or even harmless, but they are usually meant to minimize or justify the deep dissatisfaction they feel with their love life. They've resigned themselves to staying in an unhappy place out of fear of the unknown or doubt that they can get someone who truly meets their needs.
Settling doesn't always have to be dramatic. It may be hidden in everyday actions and language that reflect the moments when your desires went ignored and you quietly compromised anyway. Someone may know in their heart that the relationship doesn't align with their deepest values or needs, but not have the courage to say that "just okay" isn't enough for them. If you frequently use these excuses, you might be in a relationship where you're settling for the bare minimum rather than the kind of love you truly crave.
Here are 11 phrases people use when they're settling in a relationship
1. 'It's not perfect, but no relationship is'
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People who bring up the toxicity in other relationships to make theirs seem less challenging are settling for much less than they imagined having in a partner. Instead of maintaining their high standards and expectations, they've opted to minimize red flags and forfeit genuine happiness by making dysfunction seem as if it's normal. It is true that no relationship is flawless, but we are still entitled to a real connection with a person who loves us enough to understand our needs.
Using this excuse serves as a rationalization to remain in a situation where your desires are not being met. It is used to make everyone, and yourself, believe that being emotionally uncomfortable is just part of the relationship package. Instead of addressing the issue head-on, you've decided to gaslight yourself into believing everything is fine, while suffering in silence.
2. 'At least they don't beat me or cheat on me'
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People who have decided to stay in unhappy relationships use physical abuse and infidelity as the measuring stick that determines whether they should stay or go. They believe that as long as a person is not engaging in those things, they can stomach any other dysfunction. A person who does not make themselves emotionally available to you or mentally checks out of the relationship does just as much damage as a woman-beater or serial cheater.
Using this phrase to justify your partner not showing up in the relationship reflects how your own trauma, fear of being alone, and past toxic relationships have lowered your standards. It suggests that, although you genuinely desire emotional connection, joy, and mutual growth, you are willing to settle for basic decency.
3. 'I've already invested a lot of time into this'
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The sunk cost fallacy is the belief that once you've invested a significant amount of time into something, you must see it through. So, instead of cutting your losses, you continue to pour your energy into a situation that will never give you the return on your investment that you are looking for. You feel an obligation to stay because you have given years of your life, money, and emotional energy to a relationship that might never turn out the way you want it.
People stay in stagnant or unfulfilling romances long after the love has lost its shine because their fear of starting over far outweighs their faith that there is something better out there for them. They believe the rumors about the dating pool being all washed up and would rather stay with the devil they know than venture into what they can't predict.
4. 'On paper, they're perfect'
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Everyone knows that an amazing resume doesn't necessarily translate to a great employee. Just because someone can package themselves perfectly does not mean they are an ideal mate for you. When you have chosen to settle for someone who checks all of the superficial boxes but lacks in the intangible attributes you want, you have made a head-over-heart decision and decided true love and chemistry will take a back seat to logic.
A person who looks like a great match for you on paper usually has the right job, background, and looks. They match the pre-qualifying characteristics that you want in a partner, but those are just surface-level traits. You might still crave emotional connection or passion, but know that getting it from them is like trying to get blood from a turnip. So, you settle for good enough and put on a happy face.
5. 'It could be worse'
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This, again, is one of those classic settling statements. You have put aside what you really want in a partner and downplayed your lack of satisfaction by comparing your relationship to those you perceive to be worse.
When you start comparing your love life to how bad it could be instead of how great it could become, you've officially lost the plot. You are no longer looking for true happiness because you don't even believe it's possible, given the current circumstances. Instead of understanding that the world has billions of people in it and that what one man or woman won't do, another will, you have decided that there are very few fish in the sea, so you're hanging onto the one you've got.
Believing that real love is rare and hard to get is scarcity thinking, and it does neither of you any favors.
6. 'Nobody gets everything they want in a partner'
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People who have settled in their relationship have resigned themselves to thinking that they can't have the perfect partner. While very true, when considering a relationship, there are "must-haves" and "nice-to-haves." The former are not up for debate or compromise. They are standards or traits that a prospective partner must have in order to move toward a committed relationship with you.
Those deal breakers might include things like communication, respect, trust, loyalty, or boundaries. But you know who you are, you know exactly what does and does not work for you, and you are unwilling to accept less.
Compromise is a significant part of any romantic relationship, but don't confuse it with chronic dissatisfaction. Suppressing what you really want just to be able to say you have someone is a way of keeping the peace at your own expense and avoiding change.
7. 'We've just grown apart'
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Many people who have been in a relationship for some time learn to adjust their needs to suit the dynamics. They've become accustomed to passing by their partner like two ships in the night. They are comfortable because the lack of affection or communication has become the norm. They know what they're going to get from their other half, and for them, as long as it stays that way, they can deal with it.
People who are not willing to settle for less know that a real connection is so much more important than comfort. They don't want to be in a relationship that feels more like roommates than romantic lovers. Emotional and physical intimacy is low or nonexistent. But for those who don't want to take a leap of faith, the familiar routine feels much easier than confronting the uncomfortable truth.
8. 'I don't believe in soulmates anyway'
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The people who believe in soulmates are usually those who have found theirs. People who have settled for a placeholder protect their feelings by telling themselves and everyone who will listen that not having the type of love that most of us dreamed of is okay because it doesn't exist. If you can successfully convince yourself that it doesn't get any better, why on earth would you strive for more?
This sad justification gives people who have taken less than they wanted in a partner a good reason not to reach for a deeper connection. It's a sign that they are disillusioned about the prospect of meeting the love of their life. This defense mechanism helps avoid vulnerability by hoping for something more and attempting to prevent the risk of being let down.
9. 'At least they're better than my ex'
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Your ex is an ex for a reason. Comparing your current partner to them because they are slightly better, but not exactly what you want, is not love. It just means that you have decided to settle for a relative improvement instead of genuine happiness. The bar is almost on the ground, and any person who is not as bad as the person you left behind feels like an upgrade to you.
This excuse is born out of your unresolved pain and trauma. You are so relieved to be out of the toxic relationship that you were once trapped in, and your new requirements are simply anything but that. That's why it's essential to take time for yourself to get grounded after exiting a relationship. You really need to heal so you don't bring old baggage into new love. Your relationship choices should be based on your deepest desires, not proving you can do better than the last person.
10. 'I'm not getting any younger'
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Age is one of the most common reasons people settle into relationships that don't meet their needs. They hear the tick-tock of their biological clock in their head, and if they can find someone willing to give them the bare minimum, they will take it. As people get older, the pressure of time takes priority over true compatibility. They need somebody, anybody, to make sure they don't live out the rest of their days alone.
People who are intent on getting the person they want know that age is just a number. People find love at all stages of life, and it's never too late. Whether it's the fear of aging alone, societal expectations, or concerns about your biology, people who use age to justify settling don't have the patience to wait for their true love. They will take a lukewarm relationship and ride it out just to have a warm body next to them.
11. 'It's fine'
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When people tell you that something unappealing is fine, you can rest assured that they are not at all enthusiastic about it, but have settled because they don't think they will ever find more. They minimize their disappointment to avoid confrontation and convince themselves that as long as they are not arguing, cheating on each other, or physically fighting, they shouldn't expect more.
But just underneath that "fine" exterior lies boredom, loneliness, emotional starvation, and a quiet longing for someone who makes them light up. They want to feel happy and connected with their partner, but instead have anxiously attached to a person whom they were likely never meant to be with.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
