11 Concrete Reasons A Wife Stops Desiring Her Husband
For many women, desire starts with the heart.
mimagephotography / Shutterstock At the beginning of marriage, life might feel like a fairytale, with a woman typically feeling a strong sense of desire for her husband. But as time passes and her husband slowly begins to do less and less of the things that drew her to him, the concrete reasons a wife stops desiring her husband begin to pile up.
Once a woman goes down the track of checking out of her marriage, it becomes increasingly harder to reverse. Thankfully, there is a way to prevent it from reaching that point. As long as husbands are willing to identify the reasons women usually have for losing that loving feeling, they can avoid experiencing their own marriage completely falling apart.
Here are 11 concrete reasons a wife stops desiring her husband
1. She no longer feels seen
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The first concrete reason a wife stops desiring her husband is that she no longer feels seen. From asking small questions like, "Honey, how was your day?" to making them feel acknowledged, sometimes husbands forget to put in the work to show their wives just how much they care.
Despite their forgetfulness, it isn't their intention to make their wife feel unseen. From busy schedules to burnout, there are many reasons why men and women forget to text back or forget to ask, "How was your day?" Yet, this is why it's important to communicate those frustrations and be upfront.
According to a 2021 study, the quality of a couple's communication predicts their relationship satisfaction over time. So, while it might be uncomfortable, if women truly feel unseen, they should reflect heavily on why this might be the case before approaching their husbands. While it's good to have a conversation, having a conversation without direction is bound to go nowhere.
2. She doesn't feel connected to her husband anymore
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Most men don't mean to be dismissive in their behavior. However, after being together for years, things like a kiss on the forehead slowly become automatic, sometimes making women feel disconnected. As great as it is that husbands give their wives affection, intention is equally as important. According to clinical psychologist Yosi Amram, Ph.D, "Intentions act as a compass, guiding decisions and behaviors toward meaningful change."
When they're in the middle of connection, whether that be a hug or a conversation, husbands need to ask themselves one question: "Am I all in?" While it may not seem particularly important, wives can often sense when their husbands are emotionally disconnected from them.
From being on their phone and vaguely nodding to looking distracted, it's easy for women to feel disconnected when their husbands fail to step into the moment. So, while it's great that men are doing the bare minimum and showing affection, they should remember that intention is important.
3. She has to take on the role of a manager
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If there's one sure way to ruin a relationship with a wife, it's allowing her to take on all the burden without so much as lifting a finger. From expecting her to set all the appointments to doing all the cleaning, a concrete reason a wife stops desiring her husband is that she continues to take on the role of a manager.
If a woman works just as much as a man, their roles should be split around fifty-fifty. From cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or helping the kids with their homework, there's no reason why a woman should be left to take on all the burden, as if she were a manager.
Not only is it downright frustrating, but it's also a huge turn-off. According to Professor Daniel L Carlson, Ph.D., couples who shared housework equally had greater relationship satisfaction than those who didn't. So, while it's normal for roles not to be exactly even, for the most part, couples should strive to make their relationships as equal as possible. Refusing to do so might end your marriage.
4. She is silently grieving
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When women discuss their feelings and are met with silence, there's a silent grieving process that comes with it. At first, it might feel unexplainable; however, as it stands, a concrete reason a wife stops desiring her husband is that she's silently grieving the feeling of once being longed for.
Women want to feel as if they matter. However, when a man's actions don't align with their words, it can feel confusing and like a slap to the face. On the outside, their lack of action doesn't feel like a huge deal. It's normal for marriages to grow stale and for women to feel no longer desired. However, according to a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, the quality of a relationship is a direct reflection of the effort you and your partner put into it.
So, while men might view her as dramatic, there's no denying that longing and feeling desired by their husbands is more important than people might think. So, if a husband truly wants to keep his marriage alive, he has two options: either pick up the pace and find ways to make his wife feel desired, or watch her desire slowly fade away.
5. She's tired of feeling like a roommate
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Now, if a couple has been married for many years, it's normal for them to feel like roommates. From forgetting to up the romance to having stale conversations, there will be periods in marriage in which marriage becomes boring and, at times, unbearable. Still, it's essential to pick up the pace, as a concrete reason a wife stops desiring her husband is that she's tired of feeling like a roommate.
Sorry, but if a man is barely acknowledging his wife and leaves her alone to do everything by herself, is it any wonder why she thinks of him as a roommate? He's not providing any romance in the marriage. From forgetting to plan dates to never buying her flowers outside of Valentine's Day, many no longer feel loved in their marriage.
This isn't great, as Research from the Institute for Family Studies states that frequent date nights with your partner can lead to a happier marriage. So, while it's normal for marriages to get boring, don't let it continue for too long. Engaging in roommate behavior is almost always guaranteed to end in disaster.
6. She's resentful of unresolved conflict
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It's understandable when a man doesn't want to address a past conflict. While most men don't want to admit it, conflict is draining and, in some cases, brings unpleasant memories, as what was once supposed to be an easy conversation has now turned into a hurtful conversation that likely left a scar or two. Still, there's no denying that a concrete reason a wife stops desiring her husband is because she's resentful of the unresolved conflict. If a woman continually brings up the same issue during every argument, it's often the case that past hurt and conflict weren't properly addressed.
According to psychotherapist Katherine Cullen MFA, LCSW, "If an argument keeps cropping up, chances are you and your partner either haven’t found a solution to the problem at the argument’s root or you’ve come up with a solution but one or both of you is struggling to implement the changes that solution requires."
This isn't ideal, as resentment can lead to contempt, which, according to the Gottman Institute, is the most significant predictor of divorce. So, men, if your wife keeps bringing up conflict, address it quickly. You don't want to get to the stage in marriage where women no longer want to work out those differences.
7. She's frustrated by the lack of emotional intelligence
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Throughout marriage, there are bound to be explosive arguments and misunderstandings. From arguing about him not doing the dishes to whose Christmas party they're going to this year, it truly takes an emotionally intelligent person to navigate those tough situations. This is why another concrete reason a wife stops desiring her husband is that she's frustrated by the lack of emotional intelligence. Now, nobody is saying that men can't think differently from their partner or have a different perspective, for that matter.
However, lacking the emotional intelligence to listen and understand where their partner is coming from isn't the best for a long and happy marriage. According to a study published in Personality and Individual Differences, there's a correlation between relationship satisfaction and emotional intelligence. So, if husbands want their wives to desire them, they should try working on their emotional intelligence. Otherwise, that marriage might just crumble.
8. She feels as if she's being put last
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It's okay to have connections outside of the marriage. From wanting to go out with their friends to being close to their siblings, there's nothing wrong with cherishing other people. That being said, a concrete reason a wife stops desiring her husband is because she feels as if she's being put last.
In the early stages of dating, it's normal to prioritize other relationships still. However, once a couple is married, this is when priorities begin to shift. According to Professor Emerita of Psychological and Brain Sciences Susan Krauss Whitbourne, PhD, ABPP, "Sensitivity to your partner’s needs can help you grow not only as a partner, but as an individual who can adopt a fulfilling set of personal values."
So, while it's understandable and highly encouraged to maintain those old connections, as it stands, husbands and wives should always prioritize one another, no matter what.
9. She feels as if she's living with a stranger
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Throughout marriage, it's normal for both men and women to undergo gradual changes. Whether the change is suddenly liking vanilla cake or slowly getting into basketball, the real concrete reason a wife stops desiring her husband is because she feels as if she's living with a stranger.
No, women won't suddenly leave their husbands because they like vanilla cake. However, if a man begins to change and turn into the worst version of himself, then that is when women slowly start to lose desire. From men neglecting their kids to men becoming less ambitious, there are plenty of reasons why a woman gets turned off by her husband.
And while women don't necessarily expect men to remain the same, as it stands, changing too much and becoming the worst version of themselves is a reason why women stop desiring their husbands.
10. She's evolved, but he hasn't
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Marriage is supposed to bring out the best in people. However, when it doesn't, a concrete reason a wife stops desiring her husband is that she's evolved, but he hasn't. Sorry, but a man who can't seem to grow up or become more mature is a man who will slowly begin to lose all his relationships.
Call it cruel, but there's no denying that women want to reach higher heights. Yet, when the partner they settle down with doesn't share the same goals, it can put a damper on an otherwise happy marriage. So, while husbands shouldn't be inauthentic, at the very least, they should be willing to reflect on the past few years and make active changes within themselves.
11. She doesn't feel heard
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Finally, the last concrete reason a wife stops desiring her husband is because she doesn't feel heard. Not feeling heard when a wife pours her soul out is bound to cause issues within a marriage. Whether it's feeling heard on small things, like doing chores, or feeling heard on bigger things, like his not spending enough time with her, a husband's ability to listen is the difference between a successful marriage and an unsuccessful one.
However, if a husband notices that their wife is becoming withdrawn and opening up less, then they might want to check their behavior. If they've been dismissive, inconsistent, or defensive, all of this contributes to their wife feeling unheard, causing her to pull away from the relationship.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
