The Year A Marriage Is Most Likely To End, And How To Avoid Becoming A Divorce Statistic
After 30 years helping people get their 'spark' back, Dr. Laura Berman knows what works.
PeopleImages by Yuri A via Shutterstock We don't enter marriage or long-term committed relationships expecting to give up when the going gets tough, and yet that's what so many people do. They are emotionally intelligent enough to make a relationship work, but they often don't know how to stop a downward relationship spiral once it starts.
The relationship might start so lovely, but excitement inevitably wears away. That's often when we discover ourselves mired down in the muck of a degenerative negative loop of criticism that seems to flywheel for no reason.
Dr. Laura Berman, a psychologist known for her best-selling books and her work with Oprah Winfrey, joined Andrea Miller on the Getting Open podcast to get real about these traps. She explained why so many people make the same mistakes in marriage — mistakes that often drive them apart — and how to avoid making them yourself when your marriage loses its spark.
The year a marriage is most likely to end — and how to avoid becoming a statistic
The riskiest points at which a marriage may struggle, according to research, are the first 2 years and the fifth to eighth years. For many newlyweds, boredom quickly emerges, and the path of least resistance is having an affair. Those affairs generally end in divorce.
For those couples who make it to year give, another challenge is faced, and it is boredom (again!). Evolutionary biologists often cite a possible scienitfic reason for this: infant mortality declines every year, and children around age five are highly viable and in need of less attention. As a result, the subsequent affair can take place. Once more, divorce proceedings are likely to begin.
Even without an affair, unresolved issues from the couple or the individual partner's past may emerge at this point, wreaking havoc if not resolved in healthy ways. Often, people mistakenly believe that some mystical "other" will understand them better and go looking for someone else, not realizing that, most of the time, the problem lies with issues they haven't yet resolved.
How to avoid mistakes due to boredom in marriage
At some point, any relationship becomes boring. You likely have been intimate with only one person for a long time, and life becomes busy with kids, work, and so many other things that fill our days. You want to feel an intimate connection again, but the way to start is elusive.
The big mistake people make when they are missing intensity in marriage is opening relationships, having affairs, or bringing in other partners in various ways. Yet, as with so much in life, you should look inward for the solution, at your ability to create positive intensity in the interactions with your partner, and exciting nuances for your relationship's well-being.
Dr. Berman notes that when a relationship feels boring, blame-filled, or simply sparkless, couples tend to turn outside of themselves to find solutions. While opening up a relationship may work for some couples, Dr. Berman suggests looking inside ourselves and our relationship first, with physical connection, pleasure, and intimacy.
Don't get stuck in low-vibration emotions
Without a well-maintained intimate connection, couples can get trapped in low-vibe feelings, grow bored, and seek outside the relationship for an intimate connection as a quick fix.
Low-vibe feelings like envy, shame, blame, selfishness, and anger get stuck in a loop of replication and perpetuate more low-vibe feelings within you, your relationship, and can become a big mess low-vibe state of mind where everything feels like another amplification of negativity.
Don't freak out, you can move low-vibe feelings through yourself and out of your nervous system by intentionally focusing on more high-vibe feelings.
When you feel yourself spiraling downward, try to switch your focus to love, laughter, connection, and nurturing intimacy, which can be the highest vibe setting for human feelings!
Sharing physical pleasure and physical connection with a partner is your highest vibe, built with feelings of trust, empathy, and excitement.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
