People Who Stay In Unhappy Marriages Usually Tell Themselves These 10 Lies
Marriage is supposed to make your life better and happier, not difficult and miserable.
F8 studio | Shutterstock More people find themselves in miserable marriages than they are willing to admit. A 2023 survey by Clever Real Estate found that about 14% of couples are unhappy in their marriage. Their unhappiness can stem from a number of issues, including financial stress, lack of communication, dishonesty, adultery, and lack of connection with their spouse.
Still, there are certain lies people who stay in unhappy marriages usually tell themselves in order to gaslight themselves into believing that everything they may be experiencing is normal and they would be far worse without their spouse. If they've been married for a long time, it can be difficult to even fathom a life without their spouse, even if it is the only key that fits into the lock to the door of their true happiness.
Here are 10 lies people who stay in unhappy marriages usually tell themselves
1. 'All couples fall out of love'
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Let's be real: you're probably not going to feel the same intense obsession with your spouse as you did in the early days, when everything was fresh and exciting. You're likely not going to be the same person as you were when you first got married, and sometimes it can either make or break a marriage.
Your priorities may shift to a point where you have outgrown your spouse and a life with them is no longer compatible with yours. Even if the companionship and loyalty still may be present, the romantic love and passion may cease to exist.
"The first real reason people feel they've fallen out of love with their partners is that they stopped doing what they were doing when they felt deeply in love," relationship therapist Michele Weiner-Davis shared.
"Couples recall fun times, conversations until dawn... and just hanging out, doing nothing in particular. They remember how little it took to make them happy; they just wanted to be together," she continued. "Then, over time, for varied reasons, people stop investing in their relationships. They tell themselves there are more important things to do. They assume they've checked the relationship box and it's OK to put their marriages on the back burner."
The second reason spouses fall out of love is tied to built-up resentment, anger and disappointments that have accumulated over the years. As Weiner-Davis explained, "Life throws couples challenges — infertility, kids, financial stresses, unemployment, interfering relatives, medical and health concerns... and they feel blindsided."
Still, people may convince themselves that there is no way of resolving the issues, putting themselves in an unhappy marriage that will only get worse.
2. 'Things will get better once the kids are older'
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One of the biggest lies people who stay in unhappy marriages usually tell themselves is that their marriage will change for the better once their kids grow up. But that's simply not true.
Research consistently shows a decline in marital satisfaction after bringing kids into the picture. Parenthood often takes a toll on a marriage, especially during the early days in the newborn trenches and unpredictable toddler phase.
Some people find it difficult to even have the time or energy to even look at their spouse amid the chaos of raising children. However, if your marriage is on thin ice throughout parenthood, it likely won't get much better.
A marriage that will last depends on a foundation of happiness and effective communication. If you maintain this foundation with your spouse before, during and after parenting, you will be more likely to have a happy marriage beyond the kids growing up.
Although some are never able to recover from the impacts parenthood had on their marriage long after the kids have moved out, if your connection and communication was poor with your spouse before and in the early days of becoming parents, it may only continue to decline.
3. 'At least they don't cheat on me'
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Unhappiness in a marriage is not limited to infidelity. Even if your spouse may be loyal to you, they are still capable of hurting you. They may ignore you during conflict, giving you the silent treatment and prompting you to always be the one to make the first move. They may belittle and invalidate your emotions when you're upset. They may dictate who you can talk to, when you can go out and what you wear.
All of this can be just as painful as them cheating on you. Those in unhappy marriages without cheating often fail to realize that their pain is still valid. Even if your spouse may be physically there and not off somewhere having an affair, they may have already emotionally checked out of the marriage, leaving you feeling just as betrayed and alone.
4. 'I would be more miserable single'
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People who crave companionship and love may not even be able to fathom a life where they are single. When you've been with someone long enough, you cannot imagine your world without them, even if the reality of it would be a much happier one.
Singleness does not equal loneliness and misery, however. In fact, research, including a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, shows that single people can be just as happy if not happier than those in committed relationships.
Happiness is subjective and will vary from person to person. You may find yourself feeling more fulfilled by the emotional freedom, control over time, and self-focused growth you could not quite have in your marriage. Even if you think you need to be married to be happy, you could very well thrive much more in singlehood.
5. 'They're not that bad, I'm the problem'
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Unhappy people will often gaslight themselves into believing that their unhappiness is their own fault, and it's one of the big lies people who stay in unhappy marriages usually tell themselves. If their spouse is engaging in behaviors that are making them miserable, they'll put the blame on themselves, saying things like, "My husband is belittling me, calling me a horrible wife. But I deserve it, I didn't empty the dishwasher last night."
However, it takes two to tango. If you're always the scapegoat, your spouse will never be held accountable and your self-worth will continue to erode. Convincing yourself that you're always the problem creates a power imbalance where your spouse is never challenged to grow and learn from their behavior while you're left feeling miserable.
6. 'No one else would want me anyway'
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No matter how unhappy they are in their marriages, some people will stay out of fear that they will never find someone else. However, if someone was able to love you before, it will happen again with another person, as statistics show that 75% of people remarry after a divorce.
Staying with someone because you're afraid you're unlovable isn't loyalty, it's emotional survival. You are worthy of asking for more of your spouse in a marriage. Even if it may take time to find someone who meets all of your needs, it is far less lonely than trapping yourself in a marriage with someone who doesn't.
7. 'Staying together is what's best for the kids'
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Your children should never be your reason to stay in an unhappy marriage. Instead, they should be your reason to leave. A PNAS study notes that children of married parents with high levels of conflict are "no better off" and "may fare worse in some respects" than children of single parents.
Children are not going to thrive in an environment filled with constant tension, arguing and unhealthy dynamics. They learn by example, and may find themselves in an unhappy relationship of their own when they grow up, since it was the kind of dynamic that was normalized for them growing up.
Staying together for the kids is one of the lies people who stay in unhappy marriages usually tell themselves. But it's best for couples to remember that your children deserve the best version of you, and as long as you remain in an unhappy marriage they may never get it.
8. 'We're just too busy to connect right now'
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It is easy for married couples to dismiss their lack of effort in their relationship as just a busy phase of life. It can be hard to go on a spontaneous weekend away when finances are tight. You may be so tired from chasing the kids around all day you may not even want to talk to your spouse.
However, sometimes it is more than just busyness that prevents couples from connecting with one another. They could just be emotionally neglectful of their relationship. They may have evolved into different versions of themselves that they no longer find to be compatible with their marriage.
No matter how hectic life may be, a happy marriage where love and connection are present involves both spouses carving out time to check in with one another. Anyone could have an at-home date night, even if money is tight and there are no sitters available to watch the kids. All it takes is time and effort.
9. 'I could never be alone'
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Some people become so dependent on their spouse they would rather stay in an unhappy marriage than even risk being alone. Codependency can completely strip people of their individuality to the point where they cannot even imagine living without the people they are most attached to.
However, no relationship is worth trading your sense of self and overall happiness. It is possible to be completely happy on your own, despite the opposite mindset being one of the lies people who stay in unhappy marriages usually tell themselves.
"If anything, what is modeled to us is incredibly unhealthy. 'You're my other half' is an extremely codependent way of saying 'I am only half of a person without you,'" therapist Hannah Rose shared. She added that the ultimate goal is this: "I want to be a whole person who is able to come together with another whole person and make something so much bigger than us. I don't ever want to be in a dynamic where I feel that I am less of a person without my partner."
You will never be as miserable being on your own as you will be in a draining and unhappy marriage.
10. 'Our relationship is far beyond help'
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Unhappy marriages do not always have to end in divorce. If you and your spouse are both willing to put in the work to resolve the issues that have been negatively affecting your marriage, you could very well improve the quality of your relationship.
It is never too late to focus on getting help. You could try marriage counseling. Have difficult conversations with each other. Rebuild trust through small actions. Express your appreciation for each other daily.
Whatever the issues may be, most of them are entirely fixable with team effort. It is possible to transform a once dying and unhappy marriage into a marriage that has never been better.
Megan Quinn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing. She covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on justice in the workplace, personal relationships, parenting debates, and the human experience.
